My Weird Notions about Time

A lot of people follow my blog; but beyond my bio, most people know little about me. On the one hand, I'm just a regular guy who has served his country, works hard trying to make a contribution, loves his family and friends, and is an avid sports fan.

On the other hand, in some ways I'm eccentric. For example, my relation to time...

First off, I'm a little weird about clocks and watches. I don't wear one. For two reasons. First, I think of mechanical time as a petty, confining concept. An hour can seem like a minute, or an hour can seem like a month. So I don't need some device strapped to my arm telling me about the hours and minutes. And I don't want my train of thought interrupted every hour and half-hour by some big, noisy antique clock.

Also, the whole world is geared to mechanical time, so time is displayed all around me everywhere I go. It shows perpetually on my computer screen, where I spend most of my day. When I watch TV I can see the time with a click of the remote. It's on the alarm clock in the bedroom and it's on the oven in the kitchen. When I leave the house, it's LED-displayed in my car, on signs in front of banks and on the walls inside of every building. I can even see time displayed while swimming laps in the YMCA pool. With reminders of time everywhere I go, wearing time on my wrist seems extreme to me. I know, I know - my attitude is a little outside the box.

The one exception, I wear a cheap sports watch whenever I travel. I want to make sure I'm always at the gate when my flight is boarding.

The second bit of time-weirdness: I'm fascinated with spans of time the human mind has a hard time comprehending. One is what my sister-in-law calls "geological time." She likes to say things like, "This river valley took a million years to form." A million years? Who can imagine a million years? People have a hard time imagining a century. A million years is 10,000 centuries. A million years ago, our ancestors were learning to climb down from trees and stand upright.

My weirdness is that I try. Besides, a million years isn't that long in geological time. At the bottom of the Grand Canyon are layers of rock that are 500 million years old. And that gets me into cosmic scales of time. Our star was formed a little over 4.5 billion years ago, and our moon was formed when a small planet collided with a hot, molten Earth a little over 4 billion years ago. And all this fits in context with the approximate age of our universe: 13.7 billion years. I want to appreciate these time scales because it's the real, true perspective of the planet where I live. My Earth home has a fascinating history. If I close my mind to it, I don't appreciate things as they are. So I'm interested. I think and rethink this time perspective until I grasp it. If you say that's weird, fine. You won't get an argument from me.

Third, I see my own life-time as the tiniest blink in time. My brief time as a person is running out so fast I can feel it rushing by me like the wind. I'll be old, dying and then dead before I know it. This gives me a sense of urgency to learn what I want to learn and do what I want to do as quickly as I can. I think this valuing of time is appropriate. Wasting time doesn't make sense to me anymore.

I wasn't always this way. When I was younger, I used to suffer fools a lot more easily and horse around with meaningless B.S., just like everyone else. But now, things like small talk make me nervous. Introduce yourself to me, and in five minutes I'll be asking you what disturbed you in your early teenage years. A lot of people find that weird, but it's my way.

Well, that's enough about me, at least for now. If you're still reading, that qualifies you as a kind, tolerant person, so chances are you don't have a problem with my weirdness. If so, I appreciate it.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use graphic purchased from istockphoto.com)

Beside the Still Waters - Relaxation Video

You'd be surprised how much you benefit from clearing your mind for a few minutes, a couple times a day. Like "Restart" on your computer...you dump all the garbage and unimportant data, begin again fresh with the important stuff. I've found that well-produced nature videos - some with soothing music, and some not - work wonders.

Try this one...



Other relaxation videos...

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Jeanne Robertson - World's Greatest Clean Comic

I've posted comedy from this 6' 2" grandmother before. When you literally laugh out loud twice a minute, you know you've got a serious comedienne on your hands!

Everybody should have a good laugh at least once a day. This one: "Don't Go Rafting without a Baptist in the Boat."

Enjoy :)



More from Jeanne Robertson...

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

The Wisdom of William Shakespeare

William Shakespeare (1564-1616)

As a graduate student at Duke University in the early 70s, I read most of William Shakespeare's plays and learned why today he's considered the greatest poet and playwright of all time. He achieved this reputation based on a body of work written 400 years ago. More has been written about him than any other literary figure in history. His plays are familiar to most people: A Midsummer Night's Dream, The Taming of the Shrew, The Tempest, Romeo and Juliet, Julius Caesar, Macbeth, Hamlet, Othello, and others. These and many more are routinely taught in high school English classes and have been made into movies.

What impresses me most is the timeless wisdom I've found in the plays, even though the world has learned so much since Shakespeare's time. His words, original and memorable, reflect an understanding of people and life. Here are some of my favorites...

On FORGIVENESS - “The quality of mercy is not strained, it droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath: it is twice blessed; it blesseth him that gives and him that takes.”

On HONESTY - “To be honest, as this world goes, is to be one picked out of ten thousand.”

On LOYALTY - "Words are easy, like the wind; faithful friends are hard to find."

On PROACTIVITY - "I wasted time, and now doth time waste me."

On SELF-AWARENESS - “Of all knowledge the wise and good seek most to know themselves.”

On SELF-ESTEEM - “This above all: to thine own self be true.”

On SPIRITUALITY - “There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamed of in your philosophy.”

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength . (Photo in public domain)

Team Sports - How They Help Teens

I remember a conversation I had at a dinner party a few years ago. An attractive woman holding a glass of wine came up to me and introduced herself. She seemed well-educated and articulate. When she asked me what I do, I told her that I produce self-development products.

She immediately told me how silly that was. We don't really change who we are, she said. Her opinion was that our big challenge is to accept who we are. When I asked her if that included liars and child molesters, she frowned and dug in for a competitive conversation. 

"How do you propose to make a person a better person?" she challenged.

"I think it's a matter of people forming positive behavior patterns. With effort, anyone can change a hurtful behavior pattern. For example, people can overcome a drinking habit or a smoking habit. Likewise, they can address any behavior pattern that's holding them back. But I think the big opportunity is to help people do this while they're young, still in school."  

"And what would that be?"

I said, "Well, for one thing, involvement in team sports can make a big difference in setting people up success."

She stood up straight. "That's ridiculous. What does team sports have to do with anything?" I sensed I was in trouble. Not because I didn't know the answer, but because I realized she considered herself to be a successful person and had achieved a lot without participating in team sports. Maybe she thought of athletes as dumb jocks. Also, she had a smug, self-satisfied tone. I thought she was in love with her opinions and would rather argue than engage in dialogue.

But I continued anyway. My way of countering her aggressiveness was to tell the simple truth. 

"I don't think team sports are necessary to becoming a successful person, but I've found they can help. Kids on athletic teams have to work hard every day to prepare for competition. In that way, it's a lot like life itself, how it will be when they're on their own. In practice and in competition, they learn the value of preparation, self-development, teamwork, passion, commitment, effort, perseverance, focus, awareness, effort, optimism, excellence, fairness, and other personal strengths. They're mentored by their coaches and teammates. They learn what success feels like. They learn how to deal with failure. They participate in this for years on the way to becoming adults. It's an amazing developmental experience, and I think it teaches them things that give them an edge."

"That's outrageous nonsense. You've got to be kidding. It's just a game. A waste of time." She didn't get it, and she was making a determined effort to keep from getting it. What I was telling her wasn't her take on things. I remember thinking how impotent the truth can be when it contradicts what someone believes. I also wondered if her closed-minded, arrogant nature was the reason she was still single.

So I took a sip of wine, smiled at her and said, "You know, you may be right." I excused myself to go help the host, making a mental note to avoid conversation with this woman during the rest of the evening. I never saw her again.

Today, I believe in the value of team sports more than ever. I've learned how difficult the teen years can be, and why. After puberty, changes in the body produce changes in their minds and personalities. While this is happening, they can become impulsive and moody and act irrationally. As a result, bad things can happen. Alcohol and drugs. Reckless driving. Fights. Gangs. They can get pregnant, run away, fall under the influence of people with evil intentions, drop out of high school, become depressed, commit suicide. You hear about and read about this stuff every day. Disturbed teenagers who go off the deep end and get into the kind of trouble that can derail or even end their lives. 

Team sports can introduce the kind of structure and discipline kids aren't capable of imposing on themselves. It can expose them to positive values and force them to exercise behavior patterns that may well become habits that lead to their future success. It can create relationships with adults who care about their development. In other words, it can give them some of the help they need during the roller-coaster time of life I call "the teen journey." 

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use photos purchased by istockphoto.com)

The Weather is Wonderful Here in the Middle of the Goldilocks Zone

Photo by Kathleen Scott

When temperatures dip below freezing, as they do a few times each winter in the Texas Hill Country, my wife likes to build a fire. To her a fire means, I'm safe. I'm indoors where it's warm. What's comfortable? We may be spoiled, but for us the range is pretty narrow - from 60 F. to 85 F. - same as for coral reef. But unlike the coral, we don't die when the temps are outside these boundaries. We just turn on the air conditioning. Or build a fire.

People like to complain when the weather is too cold or too hot. But compared to other planets in "the Goldilocks Zone," climate on Earth is always splendid. The Goldilocks Zone refers to a "habitable zone," a distance from our sun that allows water to remain a liquid - which is deemed essential for life. Not too hot, not too cold, but just right. Too close to the sun, and the radiation causes water to boil away. Too far away from the sun, and the water is always frozen. The range of the zone depends on the size of the star.

Mars is "in the zone," but just barely. Much further from the sun, temperatures range from minus 220 degrees F. in winter to a maximum of 70 degrees F. in summer. Martian air is poisonous to humans - 95% carbon dioxide. Gravity is one-third that of Earth, and the atmosphere is very thin, so the pressure on the surface is less than 1/100 that of Earth. Plus, Mars has no magnetic field to protect you from deadly radiation of solar winds. Nasty.

Venus is also "in the zone," but again, just barely. Much closer to the sun, it's nasty in a different way. Because of the "greenhouse effect," temperatures on the surface often reach over 800 degrees F., where the air pressure is nearly 100 times that of Earth. You'd be crushed, then burned to a cinder.

So...the weather ain't so bad here on Earth, where we are smack dab in the middle of the Goldilocks Zone. We can make do and survive, even in the dead of a record winter or in the middle of a scorching drought.

If it weren't so, I wouldn't be here today to write this article....

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Smiling in the Rain - A Turning Point in a Teenager's Life

I stood under the front entrance canopy of the H.E.B. grocery as I watched cold rain pouring onto the parking lot. Slowly moving towards me was a young woman pushing a train of about fifteen shopping carts. Her head was down as she leaned into the carts, maneuvering them into position. Then she looked up at me and beamed an exasperated smile.

It seemed like an intelligent smile. I smiled back and wondered what she was thinking. I imagined it was something like this...

After weeks without rain, I get it on my shift! I must look like a mess. This is a hard way to make money!

I was sure she didn't know it, but how she responds to a job like this will have a big impact on her life. I've written about about child brain development and about how the developing teen brain is a turning point in a person's life.

The discipline and structure imposed by employment can give her goals, a sense of purpose and accountability at a time when her brain is disrupted by spurts of growth and self-management is difficult. Also, it's valuable to gain a realistic perspective on what hard work is and what needs to happen in a successful business.

But another plausible reaction might be...

This is crap. I don't have to put up with this. I'm outta here.

I had no idea what she was thinking. But I knew that whatever it was, the consequences would not be trivial.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Collector's Items! - The Entire Tip Clip Series

Did you miss any of the 8 videos in the Tip Clip series?

On a visit to my company main office in Newport News in November, 2010, Meredith Bell encouraged me to try recording some brief blog-like HD videos on topics that interest me. She's a natural in front of the camera, but I couldn't imagine myself doing it.

But I gave it a try. I have to admit, it was a stretch. It takes a special kind of charisma to come across effectively in front of a camera. I decided that I would just be myself. I wouldn't knock myself out trying to be an actor or a polished presenter - just a regular straight-talking guy who cares about what he's saying.

And it worked! The result seemed to be worth the effort. So I decided to do more of them. I love learning experiences, and this was certainly that! I got better at it as I went along. They weren't difficult to set up and produce, so I continued doing them, and learning.

But after the 8th video, I realized that I needed to spend more of my precious daytime hours writing, not making videos. Writing is what I'm passionate about, what I do best. So I'm not sure I'll ever produce any more of them. As Yogi Berra says, "It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future."

You know what THAT means. Yeah, baby, these videos are rare artifacts! COLLECTOR'S ITEMS. So if you missed any of these little treasures, take your pick and check them out...

Tip Clip #1 - "The Listening Moment"

Tip Clip #2 - "Defeating Procrastination"

Tip Clip #3 - Feedforward - Get Coaching from the People Around You!

Tip Clip #4 - Break That Habit with an Accountability Coach

Tip Clip #5 - How to Break a Bad Habit

Tip Clip #6 - How to Develop Mental Toughness

Tip Clip #7 - How to Boost Your Gratitude

Tip Clip #8 - How to Nurture Relationships

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Mother and Child - A Love Story Full of Surprises

How can one of the great movies of 2010 not be shown in theaters?

Mother and Child is one of those rare movies that is nearly perfect in every way that counts - acting, story, dialogue, editing, directing. An independent film, it probably didn't show at a theater near you. 

Written and directed by Rodrigo Garcia, this story about the love of a mother for her child is told from the perspective of several relationships, each unique and full of surprises. Annette Bening is magical in the role of a difficult, fifty-year-old woman who when she was 14 gave up her child for adoption and has been haunted by the loss ever since. She deserves the Oscar for it, but she probably won't even be nominated. Other great performances: Jimmy Smits, Samuel L. Jackson and Naomi Watts.

Warning to Netflix junkies - no gun battles, no chase scenes, no suspension of disbelief, no special effects. But it's a must-see if you like realistically told, moving stories about relationships.

Another great movie ignored by the Oscars...

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Message from the Hubble Space Telescope - We Are Made of Stars

The Hubble Space Telescope exists because it can photograph the universe without the distortions caused by the Earth's atmosphere. The result is a collection of images that are truly AWE-INSPIRING.

See for yourself...



Many of these gorgeous images include massive clouds of matter. These clouds of gas and dust are the result of super-novae, colossal explosions of dying giant stars.

Most of the universe is made of hydrogen and helium, the simplest elements in existence. But the crushing gravity of the final implosion at the end of a giant star's life is what creates heavy elements. It's the only way these complex elements can come into existence. They are then blown into space by the super-nova event, creating the nebula cloud.

The clouds become "star nurseries," because the matter slowly aggregates until there is enough mass and gravity to form other stars. When a star forms, the remaining debris surrounding it aggregates into planets.

This is how our star and the planets in our solar system formed. And why heavy elements exist on Earth. These are the same elements that are essential to life, the same elements we are made of.

We owe our existence to a super-nova that happened billions of years ago. We are made of star-dust.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Words of Wisdom from Michael Jordan

Michael Jordan is now 48 years old. These days he's known for Nike's "Air Jordan" sneakers and for his Haynes underwear commercials, in which he plays the smiling, patient straight man to over-zealous admirers who wear the same underwear he does. And he's the majority owner of an NBA team, the Charlotte Bobcats.

And oh yeah, he's the greatest basketball player who ever played the game. He is personally responsible for the Chicago Bulls's achieving two three-peats in the 1990s - six NBA championships. Professional basketball is a worldwide phenomenon now, and it started with Michael Jordan. For an example of his greatness, check this story.

He's a perfect example of why athletes shouldn't be stereotyped as "dumb jocks." These are my favorite quotes from Michael...

On TEAMWORK - “If you think and achieve as a team, the individual accolades will take care of themselves. Talent wins games, but teamwork and intelligence win championships.”

On EFFORT - "Success isn't something you chase. It's something you have to put forth the effort for constantly. Then maybe it'll come when you least expect it."

On PERSEVERANCE - “I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

On PERSEVERANCE - “Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.”

On SELF-CONFIDENCE - "You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them."


Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength . (1997 photo by Steve Lipofsky, fair use permission from GNU Free Documentation License)

Structure Will Set You Free - Some Resources to Help You Focus

Most people think a disciplined approach to life is the opposite of a creative approach to life.

Actually, that's not true. Nearly all highly productive creative people have ingrained patterns of focus and discipline. Without work structure, where they focus on priority projects in a disciplined way - instead of doing something else that's easier and more fun - they wouldn't get their creative projects done. The most successful creative talents have well-established patterns of structure that get them focused during specific times of the day.

I used to kid some of my spontaneous, fun-loving creative friends by saying, "Structure will set you free." They would laugh as if I didn't know what I was talking about. There goes Denny being Denny. But I wasn't kidding.

Structure means focus, which means limits and boundaries. Because creativity has unlimited possibilities, it's capable of expanding in every direction, like a gas. But once a gas expands, it looses its identity, power and usefulness. Contain it, and the gas can be directed to accomplish something specific.

Beth Westmark, a long-time blog buddy who has enormous literary talent, posted recently about seeing the light about focus. It's an inspiring revelation.

To achieve what you want, time is the most precious resource you have. And it's running out, baby. Here are a couple other resources that may help... 

1. A secret I learned from Eben Pagan about getting focused...

2. The best book I've ever read on staying focused...

Make 2011 the year you kicked major butt.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use photo purchased from istockphoto.com)

The Ultimate Blog Visitor - Get Ten Times the Benefit from Your Visit

Welcome to my blog, and thank you for visiting! I trust you'll find something beneficial here. 

I recently noticed that I've posted over 500 articles here! I guess if you post a new article almost every day for over a year, this will happen. It adds up to a significant resource.

On the other hand, most visitors think that reading an older post is like reading an old newspaper. And with a typical newsy kind of blog, that's probably true.

But the articles I publish in Building Personal Strength aren't like that. I write them to be "timeless." Instead of commenting about current events and the things that happen in my day, I tell stories about developing people skills and personal strengths, which can encourage a person to be more successful in life and work.

So people who don't search my archives are missing something.

In case you're not in the habit of browsing a blog, here's how to get 10 times the value from a single visit...

1. In the right sidebar, scroll down to "Categories." Click on a category that intrigues you.

2. This brings up a page with all the previous posts (starting with the most recent) related to this category. Scroll down until you find an article that interests you.

3. After you've read the article, go to the last line of the post, which begins with the word "Labels." These are the key words related to this post. If you'd like to try another article related to any of these topics, click on the key word.

4. This brings up a page with all the posts related to the keyword. Scroll down until you find another article of interest.

You can continue this process indefinitely, reading one article of interest after another. And I guarantee it won't be like reading old newspapers! When you want to return to the most recent post on the main page, click on the Building Personal Strength top banner.

One more tip....

If you enjoy the articles, remember that I post a new one almost every day. So why not sign up as a Follower? In the right sidebar, click on the "Follow" button, follow the instructions, and you'll be notified immediately by RSS feed of the new topic of the day, which will be only one click away.

When you feel rewarded, please tell your friends! Send them a link to the blog so they can enjoy it, too.

I hope you benefit from every visit! And I wish you health, strength, and prosperity in your life and work.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Appreciating Our Great Big Moon

A full moon tonight, and it will be high in a clear sky.

When I look up at the moon, I see it differently than I did only a few years ago. It's amazing how your perception about something can change when you learn more about it.

I had never thought of the fact that our moon is the only moon in our solar system that is of comparable size to its planet. This creates a massive gravitational influence on our oceans, which we call tides. This pull has caused water to rush inland for billions of years, a dynamic that may have created the conditions for early life to form.

This pull also keeps Earth from wobbling wildly on its axis, as some other planets do. Such a wobble would create chaotic climate and intolerable weather conditions, such as frequent ice ages. Not good for intelligent life. Thank you for being there, moon.

Our moon was formed over 4 billion years ago when a planet crashed into Earth, spewing debris into space, which then aggregated into our moon. The impact was the most significant event in the history of our planet. It increased the size of our molten iron core, which is the reason Earth has a substantial magnetic field. This field protects us from the daily bombardment of deadly solar radiation, which would kill all life on the planet. Such a core isn't "standard issue" for planets. Our moon has no such protection, and neither does Mars.

Also many of the asteroids that might come crashing into the Earth are captured by our moon's gravity. That's why our moon has such an interesting "face." Good luck for us!

These facts have made me more appreciative and fond of the moon...and the chance events that created it. I used to take this gorgeous presence for granted. It can happen when something is there all the time.

But I certainly don't anymore. It's possible there would be no life on Earth today if it weren't for the moon. More about our planetary companion...

Planets Collided and Life Was Made Possible

A Full Moon Thought - Every Day Is Precious

Enjoy!

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Another Exoplanet - When Will the Search End?

The American Astronomical Society announced the discovery of the first "exoplanet" (outside our solar system) that is small and rocky, instead of a gas giant.

Someone at the annual meeting called the discovery "among the most profound in human history."

Goodness! Let's not get carried away, shall we?

Only a few years ago, it was widely believed that it was impossible to verify the existence of a distant star's planet. Then someone figured out how to do it! Now there's a lot of excitement in the world of science and a lot of money being spent to discover more exoplanets. If it's possible to ask a practical question with all this celebrating going on, how about this: When is enough enough? When do we stop searching?

Hundreds of exoplanets have been discovered so far, and they claim there are billions of planets in our galaxy alone. Do we stop at 1,000? 10,000? At 100,000? Do we stop searching after a million exoplanets have been identified? That would still leave billions and billions of undiscovered planets.

The best explanation of the value of the current effort is that it's teaching us more about the nature of planets and how they form.

Another reason we hear about is the search for life beyond our planet. Do we continue searching because we hope to find a planet that's ideal for supporting intelligent life?

We might find such a rocky planet in a star's "habitable zone," meaning it's far away from its star (but not too far) to allow liquid water to exist. But how young would the planet be? Asteroids rain down on young planets. Does it have an electromagnetic field to protect life from deadly solar radiation (Mars, for example, does not)? Does it wobble erratically on its axis? Does it have an eccentric orbit? How evolved would the life be? It's impossible to know these things without going there.

The latest exoplanet, the one everyone is so excited about, is 560 light years away. Considering that our galaxy is 100,000 light years across, 560 light years is pretty close. Scientists say this newly discovered planet is not a candidate. It's too hot (thousands of degrees) to support life.

But say a true Earth-like planet were discovered only 560 light years away, and we had an amazing space craft that could blaze through space at a million miles per hour (20 times faster than the fastest spacecraft in history). At this speed it would take our space travelers 3,880 centuries to make the trip - one way. To put that into perspective, Jesus Christ walked the Earth only 21 centuries ago.

So the search for extra-terrestrial life is not a valid reason for continuing to scan the heavens for distant planets. Yes, intelligent life probably is out there somewhere, or once was. But we will never know. I know it's not fashionable to say so, but it truly is too far to go. Once you run the numbers, you grasp this simple, practical fact.

And so, all the romance about "our destiny" as explorers aside, I ask again: How many exoplanets do we have to discover before it no longer makes sense to continue?

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength . (Image courtesy of NASA)

Excellence, High Quality and Achievement - Is This What You're About?

When I talk about excellence, I'm not talking about trying to achieve perfection. I've made this point before.

I'm talking about doing your best work. Deep down, you know there are big payoffs. Mediocrity is common. The results of high quality stand out. People notice. Doing something excellent just feels better than getting by. Excellence is rare and valuable, so when you do something as well as you can, your life is more meaningful. Achieving a high standard helps define who you are.

On EXCELLENCE - The Personal Strength of Excellence - My Friendship with John Cheever

A couple cool encounters with EXCELLENCE -

Peggy Cloar's Quest to Make the Best Chocolate in the World

Happiness Happens - Three "Best Evers" in 24 Hours

A Fortune Cookie...

Hold yourself to a high standard, and the world will hold you in high esteem.

More Fortune Cookies...

The story behind the Fortune Cookies...

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

The Golden Years - Dealing with Difficult Times

In the paper today was an article about the impact on older people of reduced state Medicare reimbursements. "These people deserve a quality of life in their golden years," said a nursing home official.

Golden years? I've heard that phrase all my life. This time it made me pause and really think about the words. What's so GOLDEN about getting old and dying?

Every time I see my father-in-law, a former fighter pilot who served in three wars, I give him a big hug and say, "You look good, Dad. How are you doing?"

He ALWAYS replies as follows: "This business of growing old is hard."

He doesn't smile when he says it. He's not kidding around. With the help of his wife and a cane, he slowly makes his way into the house - very slowly, about 100 feet. At 88, that's as far as he can go. If I ever mentioned the phrase "the golden years" to him, he'd think I was making some kind of cruel joke.

We cherish this time with him because we know there's not much of it left. We'd love it if he lived to be 100, but he's been declining and it doesn't seem likely. He isn't afraid of death. Besides being a man of courage and toughness, his strong Christian faith assures him there's more to his life after death.

All religions have this kind of reassurance. But millions of people live their lives without religion. I've met and known many "nonbelievers," and most of them are gentle, wise and productive people. They deserve peace in their hearts, too. But they have to find it some other way.

How do they deal with it? Here's what I've gathered from them.

1. They see death as a natural part of living. So they arrive at a place of "acceptance" that at some point their existence will come to an end. This commitment to acceptance is analogous to a believer's commitment to faith.

2. Since they don't have any idea when death will happen for them, or what the circumstances will be like, they don't dwell on it. They think it's futile to focus on something you can't predict. Instead, they focus on life. They see the present moment as a precious gift, so they want to relish it, make the most of it.

3. After seeing the struggles of their aging family members, they know the adversity usually gets worse with each year and at the end it can be almost intolerable. Life will have so little quality by then that they will welcome the end as a final rest.

I think these are the thoughts that give nonbelievers peace of mind, shielding them from waking in the middle of the night with feelings of terror. Which could happen to anyone, even those who've committed to a path of faith, especially if their faith is weak.

I give Dad his hug, knowing it's time for him to deal with these issues. Life is hard for him now, but his faith is strong.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Eben Pagan - Insights about FUN and RELAXATION

Success gurus Eben Pagan, Tony Robbins and Dan Kennedy tell us that one of the keys to success is something they call MASSIVE ACTION. They're probably right. In my company, we try to implement that imperative every day. It makes for some intense days!

But in my experience I think you also need to achieve something called BALANCE. There ain't gonna be any massive action if your batteries run out.

Actually, Eben Pagan agrees with me on this. Give a listen to this brief video clip...



By the way, in case you missed it, the techniques I describe in my post on FOCUS were adapted from Eben Pagan's productivity series, "Wake Up Productive."

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Relationships and Separate Journeys

My best friend called me yesterday on his way to a business appointment. I hadn't seen him since our three-hour lunch a week ago. He brought me up to date about some of his life and business activities.

What struck me was the stuff I didn't know. How could we be so close and I didn't know his business partner has cancer? That he's laid off some of his employees? That his wife goes in for surgery in a couple weeks?

It brought home to me again the truth of the separateness of our lives. Yes, each life is a journey, but the journey has it's own strangely wandering path, and it's mostly unknown to everyone else. Your journey can even be mostly unknown to yourself, if you lack self-awareness.

I look out my window and see my neighbor walking his dog. What's up with him these days? What will the rest of his day be like? Maybe he's planning his next hunting trip. I could make assumptions and dream up scenarios, but I'd only be fooling myself. To be perfectly honest, I don't have a clue.

I have six brothers and sisters, and five of them live over a thousand miles away. It's hard to know what's going on in their lives, especially the lives of their children. When I call, I'm always surprised by what I hear. When I try to imagine what they are doing each day, the images I get are not like movies, but more like still photos of years ago, sometimes faded and fuzzy, sometimes blank.

And so it goes. We discover a bit of each other's journeys through varying degrees of intimacy: acquaintances, friends, best friends, life partners. But we never know the whole story.

I guess this is one of the reasons I love stories. In my life I've read thousands of stories and novels, and I've watched thousands of movies. Through these fictions, I get the experience of penetrating through the membrane of separateness that keeps us from knowing about another person's life.

This separateness is a fact of life, but it's not comforting. It's a good reason to stay in touch with the people you care about. It's why when we say "goodbye" to our friends we sometimes jokingly add, "Don't be a stranger!"

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Henry David Thoreau - An Abundant Source of Wisdom

I had heard of Henry David Thoreau's classic, Walden (1854), while growing up; but I first discovered it in graduate school. Thoreau (1817-1862) was a prolific writer, but he was largely unappreciated during his lifetime. He was an early American transcendentalist philosopher and one of the first naturalists. He advocated the abolition of slavery all his life, and his book, Civil Disobedience, informed the thinking of Mohandas Gandhi and Martin Luther King.

Walden is his account of his solitary life in a cabin on Walden Pond, a 60-acre lake located in Concord, Massachusetts. It's written like a personal journal that collects his experiences and thoughts during the two years, two months and two days he remained on the pond. To give the book structure, he reframed his story as the four seasons of one year. Written in his later years, it contains most of his contrarian opinions about religion, business, government and culture.

Since his death, he has been one of the most often-quoted figures in American literary history. My favorites...

On FOCUS - "You must not only aim right, but draw the bow with all your might."

On FORGIVENESS - “One cannot too soon forget his errors and misdemeanors; for to dwell upon them is to add to the offense.”

On FRIENDSHIP - "We must have infinite faith in each other. If we have not, we must never let it leak out that we have not."

On INTEGRITY - “He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it.”

On LOYALTY - "Be true to your work, your word, and your friend."

On PROACTIVITY - “If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”

On SELF-AWARENESS - "Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after."

On SELF-DEVELOPMENT - “We should treat our minds as innocent and ingenuous children whose guardians we are—be careful what objects and subjects we thrust on their attention.”

On SELF-ESTEEM - “If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.”

On SPIRITUALITY - “Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads.”

On SUCCESS - "Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it"

On VISION - “In the long run, men hit only what they aim at.”

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Thoughts about Jared Lee Loughner - Feelings of Compassion for the Victims of the January 8 Shooting

On Saturday, January 8, 2011, over 250,000 people on Earth died. The next day, over 250,000 more people died. That many people die every single day. We will never know who they all were, about their lives or why they died. It's too many people.

It's hard to feel sad about the loss of people you didn't know existed and about whose deaths we have no information. But surely someone is feeling the loss. Surely someone is grieving.

But on Saturday, January 8, 2011, these six people, all Americans, died in Tucson, Arizona:

- John Roll, 63, Arizona's chief federal judge.

- Christina Green, 9, a third-grader who had been elected to her student council. She loved politics, animals, singing, dancing, swimming and gymnastics.

- Gabe Zimmerman, 30, director of community outreach for U.S. Representative Gabrielle Giffords.

- Phyllis Schneck, 79, a widow who spends her winters at her Tucson home.

- Dorwin Stoddard, 76, a retiree resident of Tucson.

- Dorothy Morris, 76, a retired homemaker and resident of Oro Valley, Arizona.

All these people were shot by Jared Lee Loughner, 22, a high-school drop-out and mentally disturbed individual, as he sprayed bullets from his Glock 19 semi-automatic pistol in a failed attempt to assassinate Rep. Giffords at a Tucson business community event. Giffords suffered a head wound but is likely to survive. Thirteen others were wounded and hospitalized.

These people too were total strangers to me, but because of the torrent of information in the media about this incident I've felt stirrings of compassion and sadness. Especially for the little girl, Christina, who seemed to be the kind of special young person who represents our hope for the future, and whose life journey ended abruptly before any of what was possible for her was allowed to happen.

And of course feelings of revulsion for the killer, otherwise referred to in the media as "the suspect" or "the alleged shooter."

This incident has reminded me of the nature of compassion. We literally have to "reach out" to feel compassion for people. We have to make the effort to learn more about them, their journey and their situation in order to feel genuine compassion.

And I've had thoughts about guns. Such as, what more can we do to keep guns out of the hands of disturbed people? And what's the best way to defend your home and family from evil people?

And about insanity. Is it possible for a sane person to do what Jared Loughner did? Apparently, he had a normal brain, with no brain disease or brain damage. Seemingly, his problem was bad data. He stuffed his brain with erroneous nonsense, which triggered his violent thoughts, feelings and actions. Does bad data make a person legally insane?

Also about criminal justice and corrections. Do we really want our taxes to pay for Jared Loughner's food, lodging, medical care, physical fitness, education, entertainment, and security every day for the next 70 years? As we've done for other deranged murderers and assassins?

These are troubling thoughts and feelings, which get mixed in somehow with feelings of sadness and compassion for the victims.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength . (Mug shot photo of Jared Loughner by Pima County Sheriff's Office)

Habit Control - The Big Secret

If you've followed my blog, you know I've posted frequently about how habits are formed, and how to break a bad habit. If not, check this...

But here's something you may not have considered: you are forming habits, unconsciously, all the time.

It's what your brain does. Habit formation is one of the ways intelligent life forms "get smart." Imagine what a bummer it would be to wake up each morning and have to relearn all your skills and routines all over again - how to tie your shoes, how to brush your teeth, how to make coffee, how to drive a car - and on and on.

Thank goodness your brain doesn't work this way. Instead, when you repeat an action over and over, the brain cells are stimulated to grow dendrite filaments that connect all the brain cells related in the action. Once connected, this physical network hard-wires your brain to perform the action successfully without having to think about it. You can think about it and do something else if you want to. But you don't have to. Habits greatly simplify your survival.

Call it a habit, call it a skill, call it a routine. Whatever you call it, it's yours, man. Yours for good because it's now a PHYSICAL circuit in your brain.

But you need to remember that your brain makes no judgments about whether it's a GOOD habit or a BAD habit. It just does what it does, and you end up with this funny urge to do it whenever the situation arises. And as I said, it could be ANY behavior pattern whatsoever, from a totally trivial routine to the kind of habit that can kill you.

The Big Secret: You can control which habits you create. 
After you've repeated an action only two or tbree times, you're already well on your way to establishing a new habit. So...if you can recognize that you're doing something for the second or third time, you can evaluate whether this is a habit you really want.

This means you can consciously do two things most people never think of doing:

1. Stop a negative behavior pattern in its tracks.  It's a 100 times easier to prevent a habit from forming than to try to break it after it's ingrained. Just realize you're doing it and stop doing it. Do something else. End of habit.

2. Consciously construct a positive behavior pattern. Just start doing it and keep doing it and after a while it will become an automatic routine.

You have the power to notice what's happening in enough time to easily change the game. Imagine the success you can create for yourself if you do.

This ability to self-manage your behavior by thinking about the way you think is called metacognition. More about this...

You're welcome.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Tip Clip #6 - How to Develop Mental Toughness

Life certainly does dish up plenty of adversity. An interesting thing about that - it can beat you down and unravel you, or it can make you mentally tough. The good news is, you can make that call. You can choose how to react.

As a young man, I had plenty of mental toughness learning opportunities. My freshman year at West Point was so stressful that over 100 of my classmates dropped out. The rest of us learned mental toughness. After graduation came the Army Ranger School, command of an air defense battery on a snowy hill in Germany, and a year of combat operations in Vietnam.

I've given a lot of thought to these experiences, and to mental toughness. One conclusion: whether you're a boss, a parent, a coach, a soldier, a nurse, a fireman - anyone who has to deal with emergencies, calamities, unexpected problems or stressful situations - you'll need mental toughness.

How can you get more mental toughness? In this brief video, I share the one thing that I feel is the key to developing this important aspect of personal strength...



By the way, this may be my last Tip Clip video for a while, maybe for good. I really have enjoyed making them, mainly because I love learning experiences and video is an engaging medium. But I'm first and foremost a writer, and I've decided that I'll be more productive if I stick to my knitting. Focus!

If you think you missed any of these gems, you can check all eight Tip Clip videos here.

My friend and business partner, Meredith Bell, also has two excellent videos about composure...

John Wooden on Managing Your Emotions

Composure - Control Your Emotions in Stressful Situations

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Wanna Cheat Winter? HD Video of a Perfect Caribbean Beach

Many years ago, when I lived in New York, there was a time during the winter when cold weather lost its charm. Each year, that time arrived earlier. And I would long to be able to stand outdoors in a t-shirt and feel the warmth all over my body. It seemed to take forever for that moment to arrive, but when it did I always appreciated it.

Much later, when I lived in Virginia, there were winters when it didn't snow at all. Still, the cold weather bugged me, and I could hardly wait for spring. I would take vacations in Mexico or Hawaii in order to "cheat winter."

If cold weather is bothering you, try watching this high-definition video of a perfect Caribbean beach. Maybe it will help you "cheat winter," too.

 

You're welcome.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

House Speaker Boehner - Why He Won't Quit Smoking

In a January, 2011 AP article posted on Yahoo News, new Speaker of the House John Boehner (Rep., Ohio) says that he smokes cigarettes.

"'It's a bad habit.' He says a lot of people tell him to quit, but 'I am who I am.'"

Like Rep. Boehner, a lot of people use this excuse to rationalize not having to do the heavy lifting to improve themselves or change a negative behavior pattern.

I now have Type 2 diabetes because of my obesity, but I'm not going to try losing weight because I am who I am.

I often say hurtful things to my family, but I can't help it because I am who I am. 

I collect child pornography, but so what? I am who I am.

Well, when I contrast this excuse with people who do the hard things to deal with their addictions and change their behavior, if I'm to be honest I have to say: it is what it is - a pathetic sign of personal weakness.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use photo purchased from istockphoto.com)

No Matter How Bad Things Get, Remember the Man with No Nose

I saw this quote on Twitter - "I had the blues because I had no shoes, until upon the street I met a man who had no feet." It was attributed to Denis Waitley, although some claim it’s an ancient Persian saying. Probably Waitley used it in a book or a program and people gave him credit.

Anyway, my interpretation of the aphorism goes like this: “No matter how bad things get, remember that it could always suck worse.” I didn’t make that up. It was told to me by a drill sergeant at the Army Ranger School in the fall of 1967.

I was too inexperienced to appreciate what it meant. What could suck worse than Ranger School? When I was courting my wife 15 years ago, I passed this little bit of Army wisdom on to her, and she didn’t get it either.

Now, we both get it. What did it for me was combat. The drill sergeants knew that would happen.

What did it for her was cancer. During her radiation treatment, she came home one day and told me this story:

In radiation therapy, an ionizing X-ray beam is directed at a small area of the body to kill cancer cells or shrink tumors. The beam is carefully aimed and adjusted to do its work at just the right depth. The radiation destroys or damages the genetic material of the cancer, making it impossible for it to continue growing. Even with all this precision, there is collateral damage. Healthy cells are destroyed along with the cancerous ones. Most of the healthy cells eventually recover and function normally again.

For Kathleen, the after-effects of radiation were cumulative. The same area was burned on the inside five days a week for seven weeks. Her body’s attempts to deal with this repeated injury cause a profound sense of fatigue. Eventually, her skin became painfully sensitive, like severe sunburn. Having to face this trauma each day with diminished energy could make anyone feel sorry for herself.

This didn't happen to Kathleen.

On her first day of radiation, she had no idea what was going to happen. How long would the procedure take? Would it hurt? When she thought about exposing her breast to the technicians, she felt anxiety and embarrassment.

Empty chairs lined the walls as she stood in a line to be processed for treatment. A tall man stood in front of her. Eventually, the nurses attended to him. When he turned around, Kathleen smiled at him. Then she realized he had no nose. Instead, a white plastic cone covered a cavity where his nose had been.

At that moment, she felt a powerful rush of gratitude. She thought, “I am so fortunate. I only have breast cancer!” Not only was her malignancy the type that was easily removed, she would not be disfigured.

Every time she returned for radiation treatment, she remembered the man with no nose.

Kathleen mentioned this incident on her own blog, Hill Country Mysteries, if you'd like to hear her version.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

My Favorite Zig Ziglar Quotes

Zig Ziglar (1926 - ) has been a best-selling author and motivational speaker for the past 40 years. He blends practical realism with Christian values and a plain-spoken style. The result is home-spun wisdom and inspiration about sales, success, life and many other topics. He's one of the best-known and admired speakers of all time.

Along the way, he's told so many stories and said so many wise things that so many people have quoted for so many years, that it may seem like you've been hearing his insights all your life. Here are ten of my favorites...

On ATTITUDE - "You cannot tailor-make the situations in life but you can tailor-make the attitudes to fit those situations."

On CHARACTER - “What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.”

On COOPERATION - "Individuals score points, but teams win games."

On FLEXIBILITY - "Be firm on principle but flexible on method."

On FORGIVENESS - "When you forgive somebody else you accept the responsibility for your own future."

On OPTIMISM - “Positive thinking will let you do everything better than negative thinking will.”

On PERSEVERANCE - "There's often no way you can look into the game of life and determine whether or not you'll get that big break tomorrow or whether it will take another week, month, year or even longer. But it will come!"

On RESPONSIBILITY - “You are free to choose, but the choices you make today will determine what you will have, be and do in the tomorrow of your life.”

On SUCCESS - “Success is the maximum utilization of the ability that you have.”

On VISION - “If you want to reach a goal, you must "see the reaching" in your own mind before you actually arrive at your goal.”

A favorite Zig Ziglar video clip - on changing an attitude.

Check this Zig Ziglar podcast - on forgiveness.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Tip Clip #8 - How to Nurture Relationships

I recently had lunch with my best friend. I'm glad I left a big tip because we dominated that table for over two hours, telling stories about recent events, sharing ideas, making plans.

The meeting caused me to remember my best friend from childhood. We spent a part of every day together, playing basketball, doing Boy Scout projects, and just horsing around. Eventually my father was transferred and we moved away. I didn't see him again for 40 years. Thanks to the internet, we found each other and arranged a meeting. Reunited again, we remarked that little had changed. But the truth was, a lot had changed. There had been a lot of water under the bridge. My old friend was still in there somewhere, but this man was a different person. I'd have to get to know him all over again. I remembered our closeness, but we were no longer best friends.

And that's how it goes with relationships. In my view, no relationship is static. A relationship slowly grows stronger, or it slowly grows weaker, depending on how much of yourself you invest in it. You're deceiving yourself if you think that nothing has changed after a long period without contact.

Nurturing relationships is a simple matter, but it requires effort, as I explain in this brief video clip...



Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Stretch outside Your Comfort Zone - My No. 1 Success Tip

There are quite a few things you can do that will make a huge difference in your success. For over 20 years I've been aware of a particular strategy that I have to say has helped me more in tough situations than any other. I've used it hundreds of times, and each time I was glad I did.

It's called stretching.

I was reminded of this at a social gathering I attended recently. I saw Preston standing by himself in a corner of the room. He was working on a small plate of food. I guess it's fair to say that Preston isn't very outgoing. It's not that he doesn't like people. He just spends a lot of time in his head. When I spotted him, he was paying more attention to his food than the people around him. He wasn't smiling. He's not a gloomy or unfeeling person. He just doesn't talk much or express his feelings easily. I went over to him.

"Hey, Preston. Good to see you again. Enjoying the festivities?"

"I'm here." He looked around the room. "Not much here for me. Food's not bad, though."

That's one thing I really like about Preston. He's honest. He's always real. But this was a chance for him to work some relationships, and he wasn't even trying. He showed up, and he was just being himself. But if there were any points to be scored, his tally was currently at zero. Maybe he was even losing points and didn't know it.

"Well, I'm going to get another drink," I said. "And schmooze a little. You should, too! Connect with some of these people, Preston. You know, for when you need something from them someday."

"Mmmm," he said, looking blankly at the room, still stone-faced.

I don't think he took my advice. In fact, the next time I looked around I couldn't find him. He probably left early.

He blew a great opportunity to further his own interests. What Preston failed to do was to STRETCH.

Everyone is different. Each of us has our particular set of strengths and weaknesses. Each of us has a comfort zone of preferred thought and behavior patterns that helps define who we are.

Maybe you love being with friends and having a good time. But you hate organizing things.

Maybe you love thinking creatively about new projects. But you hate small talk.

Maybe you like self-discipline and being on time. But you have trouble exercising tolerance and patience.

As I said, everyone is different.

It's a joy to spend time in your comfort zone. So much so that this is exactly what most people do. It's a natural tendency that if something is outside your comfort zone, you're not likely to seek doing it. You may even avoid doing it. Which is fine.

Unless the failure to do this thing that's outside your comfort zone creates problems for you. Maybe there will be situation when organizing things is crucial to success. Maybe the failure to engage in small talk will derail a key relationship. Maybe there will come a time when being impatient causes a major setback.

And so on. Here's the question: If something is important to your success, will you do it even if it's way outside your comfort zone? In other words, will you stretch?

Most people don't.

Stretching isn't about being phony. It's not about changing who you are.

Stretching simply means doing the uncomfortable or hard thing, even when it's not your natural tendency to do it. You recognize the need to do something. You see how important it is. You feel the familiar anxiety or distaste. But then you suck it up and do it anyway. The stretching is only temporary. Afterward, you return to your comfort zone.

As I said, everyone has their unique set of preferences and tendencies. But eventually the world will challenge you to do something that's outside your comfort zone. All the most successful people stretch. They do the hard things, whether it's their cup of tea or not.

How about you? Do you stretch? Or are you like my acquaintance Preston, who shies away from doing anything he doesn't like?

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use photo purchased from istockphoto.com)

BetterThan Blessings - Appreciating the Blessings

Before going to my workout the other day, I stopped by The Home Depot to get some decorative hooks for one of the bathrooms. On the way from the parking lot to the entrance, I noticed something. No sharp twinge in my shoulder joint. No lower back pain. No weak feeling in my hip. No stiffness in my ankle. No painful pressure on the side of my foot. I had a nice bounce in my step as I entered the store.

I had this thought as I headed for the Bath Accessories aisle: I won't always be free of pain. I won't always have good health. I need to take care of my body and appreciate my health while I can.

This thought process is part of a new approach to gratitude I've adopted, one I learned from a book called On Second Thought. I explain the technique in a brief video I made not long ago. I highly recommend it.

It's common to wish family and friends "long life." But even 100 years seem to go by at breathtaking speed. So instead I wish you health, happiness, and prosperity - more of whatever you want. But most of all, I wish that you appreciate the blessings you have.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use photo purchased from istockphoto.com)

Wayne Dyer's Insight - Change Yourself, Not the World around You

It's amazing to me how many major life issues I've resolved simply by changing my attitudes - the way I look at the things that have been troubling me.

For example, for the longest time I was bugged by Christmas. The gift thing was a biggie. Buying gifts because people expected you to, gifts that people didn't really need or want. Quantity matters. Gift overload. Gift fatigue. I've disliked this ritual, which is fueled mostly by business and the media, a tradition gone terribly wrong.

Wouldn't it be OK if we just skipped all the presents and just spent time with each other? What if we focused on celebrating the birth of Christ, maybe performed acts of charity and giving in the spirit of Christianity? The materialistic aspect of Christmas has really bothered me. The trees, the decorations, the music - after so many years the sameness of it all became tiresome, and the expectations an unwanted burden.

What about some simple Peace on Earth? No way.

Of course this irritation conflicted with the expectations and desires of family. I became the Party Pooper, the jerk with the bad attitude. I wanted to be with family and I wanted them to be happy, but I began to wonder if there were ways to make other plans, so I wouldn't have to endure all the nonsense.

Ultimately, I solved my problem. I realized that the problem wasn't with Christmas or my family's traditions. It was with me - how I thought about it. I realized all this was important to them. For whatever reason, they needed this ritual to be happy. Why they insisted on doing it this way was beside the point.

So i decided to change my attitude. I couldn't make myself enjoy the gift ritual, but I could be happy that they enjoy it. I decided to focus on these thoughts - all of them true...

1. I am happy when my family is happy.

2. They will not be happy without their Christmas rituals.

3. I can spend time with them and express my happiness that they are happy.

4. As I learned in Army Ranger School, "No matter how bad your situation gets, it could always suck worse." The big-deal gift ritual only lasts a few hours - a trivial annoyance in the context of the good times with family.

So I don't struggle with it anymore. Which is a huge relief.

Wayne Dyer is one of the people who helped me focus on changing myself, rather than expecting the world around me to change. And it was surprisingly easy.

There's a lot of wisdom in this brief video clip...



Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .