A Successful, Happy Life - It Takes More Than You Think

A successful, happy life. I guess everybody knows it takes more than money and beauty. Just ask Bernie Madoff and Kim Kardashian.

And guess what...It also takes a lot more than a good education and business know-how.

I try to stress this point with parents. Yes, kids need a good education. They need basic language and math skills and they need to understand how the world works. So they should pay attention in school, try to learn and get good grades, so they can get into a good university. And when they enter the workforce, they should try to learn the business from the ground up. Parents who care about their kids know this. Most of them are sacrificing like crazy to help pay for college expenses.

What most of them don't appreciate is that while it helps to get a college degree and land a good job, these aren't the magic keys that unlock the door to a happy, successful life. Parents could make all these sacrifices and years later their child's life could take a downturn. Failed careers, failed marriages, and worse...

It happens all the time.

The reason is simple. To build strong relationships and prevail against adversity, a person needs to develop skills and strengths that are almost never taught in the home or in schools. This model illustrates the areas of ability a person needs to develop:

Copyright © 2011, Performance Support Systems

Life skills - Practical and commonsense know-how, such as cooking, etiquette, using tools and machines, safety, hygiene, health, fitness, maintenance, etc.

Critical thinking skills - The ability to understand why, cause and effect, relationships, the big picture; the ability to envision future consequences, control impulses, create action plans and manage execution. Schools used to do a better job of this; now they focus more on fact memorization to pass state achievement tests.

People skills - Dozens of skills to get along with others, communicate, lead, sell, influence, etc.

Personal strengths - Dozens of behavior patterns that enable a person to do the hard things to deal with challenges and adversity, e.g., patience, perseverance, courage, composure, integrity, optimism, creativity, and many more.

Some bottom lines...

• The core areas of ability are deal-makers and deal-breakers. They matter far more than an education and business know-how.
• People don't receive development in these core areas in the classroom. And practically no parents know how to nurture them.
• Nearly everyone becomes an adult without much conscious guidance and development in the core areas.
• Some adults sense their inadequacies once they begin raising families and competing in the world of work. Some of them try to play "catch-up" in these areas. We call this "personal development." Most never do catch up.
• An outside-the-box concept: Teenagers working on personal development. Yes, it adds to their "full plate," but it's important and they can do it. Many of them are intelligent, success-driven and are working on getting smarter. Getting stronger in the core areas of ability will give them a huge edge while in school and especially when they begin facing the challenges of adult life.

This is why we developed ProStar Coach, an unprecedented online virtual coaching service. It's the world's most effective self-development system for working on core strengths.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength .

A Christmas Memory - In Over My Head

During THE HOLIDAYS, our tradition is to spend Christmas with Kathleen's family at her sister Jane's house in Corpus Christi, TX. Corpus is located on the Gulf of Mexico and typically has a tropical climate. But at that time of year, a brisk cold wind usually blows off the water. The last time we were there, the blustery weather reminded me of a cold, blustery Christmas almost 50 years ago.

I was a "plebe" (freshman) at West Point, and the tradition was that the plebes were not permitted to go home for the holidays. Why this tradition existed, none of us freshmen knew. The best any of us could figure was that that being stuck in that miserable place while everyone else went home to their families would help build our character. As it turned out, there was no reason. It was just a tradition, and my class, USMA 1967, was the last class to have to spend the Christmas holidays at West Point.

I recall walking the halls of my barracks, when I walked past the room of my classmate Dave Horton. Dave was a back-up quarterback on the Army football team. Dave was sitting at his desk, mindlessly tossing a football up and down. "What's up, Dave?"

"Nothing's up. I'm just sitting here wanting to throw the football and there's no one to throw it to."

"Why don't you throw it to me? I'll catch for you." I don't know why I said that. I was feeling down in the dumps myself and maybe I was just trying to cheer Dave up.

Dave grinned. "Get your jacket on."

We went out to The Plain, which is the massive parade grounds in front of the barracks.

I thought it would be a good idea to be honest. "I've never done this before, Dave. You'll have to tell me what to do."

He looked at me. "Okay. It's actually pretty simple. You'll run a simple pass pattern and I'll throw the ball to you. Just get set over there and when I say 'Hut!' you take off running hard. Your first step is with your left foot. Then count to six. When you hit six, turn hard to the left, pivoting on your right foot. When you take that second step, the ball will be right there."

I ran the pattern a couple times to get the feel of it.

"You ready?"

I gave him an enthusiastic nod and got into the ready position.

"Hut!" he shouted.

I took off running and counting. On six, I pivoted on my right foot. On the second step I looked up and the ball was right in front of my face. It flew past me.

"Wow!" I said.

"You've got to get your hands up. I throw it before you make your turn. The ball will meet your hands on the second step. You've got to be ready to catch it."

"Okay. Let's go again." It was freezing outside, but I could feel my body heat under my jacket.

"Hut!" said Dave, and I took off running as fast as I could. I turned, put my hands up, and the ball hit my hands hard and shot through.

The ball was as hard as a rock when it hit my hands and rocketed through. An intense pain radiated through both my fingers."

"Better!" shouted Dave. "Come on, let's try it again. You can do it."

His encouragement was no balm to my hands, but I didn't want to ruin his practice, so we ran the pattern again. And again. When I thought I could take no more pain, I admitted to him that I didn't think I could hold onto the ball. He put his palm next to my palm.

"Your hands are too small," he said. "That's your problem."

I was too short, too slow, and even worse - my hands were too small to run a simple pattern and catch Dave's perfectly thrown passes. To put a fine point on it, I was in over my head as a wide receiver. Thankfully, he suggested we go back to the barracks.

Later in life, I would be in over my head again and again. But something like small hands wouldn't hold me back. I would work harder than the people around me. Probe related areas of knowledge my colleagues had missed. I engaged self-confidence, my work ethic and imagination and persisted until I had created something unprecedented, something of value. In other words, even though I was initially behind the learning curve, I used personal strength to prevail.

Playing catch with Dave all those years ago taught me that sometimes when you're in over your head, your limitations make it impossible to catch up and achieve what you desire.

But most of the time, this isn't true. So when something really matters to you, make a realistic assessment of your abilities and ask yourself if you're willing the pay the price. Faced with a daunting challenge and long odds, most people don't make the commitment. But for those who do, it's a wide-open door of opportunity.

I encourage you to acknowledge the role of personal strengths to achieve difficult challenges. You can realistically assess your own personal strengths. You can even improve these strengths by exercising them more often.

That's why we developed ProStar Coach, the only personal development system in the world designed to help you do that.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength .

Teen Boys and Sex - How Girls Can Set Boundaries

The book, Conversations with the Wise Aunt, is now available as a Kindle ebook. In the chapter, "A Nice Way to Say No," Aunt Maria explains to her niece, Trisha, how boys are different from girls when it comes to attitudes about sex. This brief excerpt is about how a teenage girl can set boundaries.

"The desire to have sex is a physical urge caused by the presence of the hormone testosterone. The more testosterone you have in your body, the stronger the urge to have sex. It’s biology. This is true for both men and women. Testosterone production is one of the body changes you experience as a teenager. It’s why you start thinking about sex at this age.”

“So if both boys and girls are starting to think about sex, what’s the difference?”

“The difference is that boys have ten times as much testosterone as girls.”

“Wow! They must have sex on their brains a lot.”

“Honey, you have no idea. It’s true that girls think about sex from time to time; but for most boys, thinking about sex is like background music playing in their minds a lot of the time.”

“It’s hard to imagine.”

“Yes. You don’t feel about sex the same way they do. Which is why I wanted to talk with you. To manage your relationships with boys, there are some things you need to do.”

“I’m all ears.”

“Okay. First of all, you need to be the one who sets boundaries in a relationship.”

“Boundaries? What kind of boundaries?”

“I’ll explain, but first do you mind if I ask you a couple questions about Michael?”

“Sure, go ahead.”

“Do you like him in a romantic way? Is he a boyfriend?”

“No. He’s nice. I haven’t known him very long, and I don’t think he’s interested in me that way. It’s just a lot of fun learning the guitar from him.”

“Is that okay with you? You don’t want him to be your boyfriend?”

“Not really. He’s a little old for me.”

“So you’ve set some boundaries with him.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean it sounds like you’ve decided you want to do certain things with Michael, such as learn to play the guitar. But you draw the line at other things, like kissing or dating.”

Trisha went silent. She frowned as she looked at her fingernails.

“Did I say something that upset you?”

“No. It’s just that I haven’t thought about Michael like that.”

“We don’t need to talk about this now if you don’t want. Does it make you feel uncomfortable?”

“No, it’s all right.”

“I only mentioned Michael because you said he was sweet. Usually when a girl says that, she really likes the boy. Has he ever kissed you?”

Trisha glanced over at her aunt, and then began examining her fingernails again.

“He did try to kiss me once, but I didn’t know if I wanted him to, so I asked him to stop.”

“And did he?”

“Yes. We talked about it. He said I was pretty and sometimes he just felt like kissing me. I told him it scared me a little and maybe we better not. So he never tried it again. But I think he probably wants to.”

“How about you? Do you want to?”

“I’ve imagined kissing him. It might be exciting, but I keep thinking I’d better not.”

“Why not?” said Aunt Maria.

“I don’t know. Maybe I’m not ready.”

“Well, Honey, I think that’s a very honest answer. And I think your instincts are natural and good. It’s a good thing to like boys, and it’s natural to want to kiss a boy you care about.”

“But I don’t think about Michael that way.”

“I understand. I’m sure Michael is a fine young man, but from his point of view you’re a really pretty girl, and physically you’re more mature than most girls your age. So when he’s with you, I guarantee that he has thoughts about sex. As I said, it’s nothing against him. It’s the way the male body works.”

“I want it to be about the guitar, not sex.”

“It can be, Trisha. Michael’s not an animal. He has urges, but he’s an intelligent human being. He has the ability to think and make choices. He can control his behavior.”

“But will he?”

“That’s where boundaries come in. You not only need to draw the line for yourself, you need to tell him where the line is. You tell him what you want and don’t want. For example, with Michael you could say something like, ‘I want you to know you’re a terrific person, and I love coming over to learn from you. To me, you’re like the older brother I wish I had. And that’s how I’d like it to stay between us. Not boyfriend-girlfriend. No more kissing or anything. I like our friendship just the way it is, and I don’t want to change it. I hope you feel the same way.’ Something like that. You draw the line. You make sure he knows what’s okay and what’s not okay. Basically, it’s saying no, but in the nicest possible way. Do you think you can do that?”

“I think so.”

“This doesn’t mean you should go through your whole life as a teenager without getting kissed. After all, you might care about a boy sometime.”

“I hope so,” said Trisha. “When the time comes I want to go on dates and maybe even have a boyfriend.”

“That will happen someday. The thing is, when it does you want to know how to handle any situation. Sexual feelings are strong, and if you’re kissing and petting, the two of you could get carried away. It happens all the time.”

“I’ll have to draw the line.”

“Exactly. But where?”

“It seems to me that kissing is no big deal.”

“Personally, I think kissing is a big deal, in a nice way. But kissing can get pretty steamy. It can quickly lead to touching. And once you get excited, it’s hard to say no. If you don’t want him to do this, you have to draw the line at kissing.”

“But it must be awkward talking with a guy about this.”

“You wouldn’t bring it up when you’re first getting to know each other. But later, if you realize you have feelings for each other, he might want touch you where you don’t want to be touched. He might want to have sex. You need to be the one to tell him what’s okay and what’s not okay. Your boyfriend probably won’t be the one to set limits. Most boys aren’t made that way. They want to get past first base.”

“What do you mean?”

“That’s how a lot of boys talk about it with each other. First base is kissing. Second base is sexual touching. They get to third base when they get her pants off. You can guess what home plate is all about.”

“Gross.”

“When a teenage boy pushes a girl to have sex, he may be sweet and say things about love. But for most boys the real goal isn’t a long-term relationship. What he wants, deep down, is to have sex. For him, it’s like climbing a mountain. When he finally reaches the top, he’s satisfied. He’s done. In fact, it often happens that the boy loses interest in the girl after he has sex with her, because he got what he wanted. This would make any girl feel awful, because she thought the relationship meant more than that.

“And just as bad, some boys like talking about their sexual experiences with their friends. Then the story can passed along until a lot people know. This would change how people think about the girl. It could damage her reputation.”

“Oh, Aunt Maria, is it really this way?”

“I’m afraid so. Later, when boys mature into men, the good ones have learned more about women and how to treat them right. Sex is a wonderful thing. But there are risks, and you need to take charge of your relationships.”

For girls - Conversations with the Wise Aunt


For boys - Conversations with the Wise Uncle


Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use image purchased from istockphoto.com)

Cosmic Reflections - Some Mind-Boggling Facts about Our Sun

When the weather turns cold and the holiday season approaches, the message that courses through our culture is mostly this - buy, buy, buy. Buy this mass produced jewelry; every kiss begins with Kay. Or buy this $50,000 Lexus and put a huge red bow on it to surprise your spouse Christmas morning. These messages are supposed to be charming and inspiring. But to me, they're outrageous.

I'm afraid I'm not with the program. This time of year, I'm more drawn to cosmic realities. Such as the fact that on the 21st of December, in the northern hemisphere the days begin to get longer, promising the approach of warmer weather.

Or on a cold night I'll look up at the stars and try to understand what I'm seeing. Before long, I'll be reminded of certain facts...

For example, the next time you're on a beach, pick up a handful of sand and imagine how many grains of sand you are holding. Now look up and down the beach. Imagine how many grains of sand you can see. Mind-boggling. Now try to imagine how many grains of sand cover the Earth.

FACT: There are more stars in the universe than there are grains of sand on Earth.

FACT: No two stars in the universe are the same. Their size, composition, internal chemistry and physics, and lifespan are determined by the nebula cloud from which they were formed.

You may have heard the saying, "We are made of stars." This happens to be true.

FACT: All the heavy elements, such as carbon and silicon, which are the basis for life, can only be created by the intense gravitational pressure caused by the end-of-life implosion and explosion (supernova) of a very large star.

FACT: Our own star, "The Sun," was formed by an aggregation of the stardust from such a supernova five billion years ago.

FACT: Our sun is a medium-sized star. 93 million miles away, millions of hydrogen bomb explosions happen every second. That's what I said...every second. So why doesn't it just blow itself up? The answer is that the immense gravity of this enormous object holds everything in. About 5 billion years from now, the fuel for all these explosions will be gone, and our star will die. But for now, it's radiating energy like crazy.

As you may know, our sun occasionally forms "sunspots" on its surface. They appear dark because they're relatively cooler than the rest of the sun's surface. Sunspots are associated with intense magnetic activity that erupts as solar flares. Some of these flares are so strong they escape the sun's gravity and blast into outer space. These flares can disrupt communication when they reach Earth. From time to time, these blasts are unusually powerful. Such a blast is called a "coronal mass ejection."

FACT: Coronal mass ejections rocket into space in random directions. It is unlikely - but possible - that one would hit the Earth head-on. But if it did, scientists estimate that the energy would knock out every man-made electronic and electrical device on the planet, including communication satellites. Power stations would be fried. Technologically, human civilization would be knocked back 200 years. It could take decades to restore everything to normal, assuming we survived the chaos and panic.

FACT: Most of the time, over 90% of the typical energy particles from the sun are deflected by Earth's electromagnetic field, which is generated by the movement of molten iron in Earth's hot core. Without this protection, our atmosphere would be stripped away by the constant radiation of this "solar wind."

An example of what can happen is Mars. Billions of years ago, the small iron core of Mars cooled, causing its electromagnetic field to disappear. Almost nothing is left of its atmosphere. The same thing happened to Venus.

Earth's electromagnetic field is what causes compasses to point north. But every 100,000 to 10 million years, the field switches poles. Scientists aren't sure when this will happen again, although the last known switch was nearly 800,000 years ago.

FACT: The poles will switch again someday. Scientists don't know when or how long the switch will take. If that transition isn't instantaneous, our atmosphere will be temporarily unprotected. The ozone layer could be stripped away, our atmosphere would be exposed to the solar wind, and life on Earth would be threatened. Earth could become a biologically dead planet, like Venus and Mars.

GOOD NEWS FOR YOU, DEAR READER...

The fact that you'll live to a maximum of only 100 years means that the chance that you'll be around to suffer any of these catastrophes is infinitesimally small. Woo-hoo! You have a better chance winning the lottery.

Whether you push against your credit limit buying stuff this season, be sure to lift a glass to toast your good fortune - that you are alive during the Golden Age of the cosmos, when stars were still burning brightly, and conditions were still just right for life to flourish on Earth.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength .

Actor Christian Bale Assaulted By Chinese Government Thugs

If you like movies, I have a question for you - What do Christian Bale and Ashton Kutcher have in common? If you're struggling with this one, here's a hint - The commonality is blatantly obvious.

Oh! They're both actors!

No, that's not it. Ashton Kutcher is an actor in name only. Actually, his job, regardless of his role, is to be Ashton Kutcher and look charming and cheerful in front of the camera while saying his lines. Christian Bale is an actor, an exceedingly fine actor. The only thing I can think of that the two have in common is that they're both good-looking men who work in the film industry.

And Christian Bale is by far the more interesting man. He was in the news recently for confronting Chinese guards while attempting to visit Chen Guangcheng, a blind political activist who is under house arrest for speaking out against the Chinese governments. Bale was in China for the premiere of the Chinese film, "The Flowers of War," in which he starred.

"What I really wanted to do was to meet the man, shake his hand and say what an inspiration he is," said Bale. After an eight-hour journey, the star of "Batman Begins" and "The Fighter" (Oscar for best supporting actor) was physically assaulted by the guards, and the incident was recorded by CNN cameras. He deflects attention from himself to the bravery of activists supporting Chen. "The local people who are standing up to the authorities and insisting on going to visit Chen and his family and getting beaten up for it, and my understanding, getting detained for it and everything. I want to support what they are doing."

After hearing about this, I watched "Harsh Times" (2005), starring Christian Bale and Eva Longoria. It's a dark story about an ex-Marine who had served heroically in Afghanistan, only to be rejected in his attempts to find a job in law enforcement. It's the kind of film that deserves Oscars, but will be dismissed by critics and audiences because it's so brutally realistic. It portrays the tragic flaws of a man who is ideally suited for extreme combat but is psychologically damaged by his war experiences. It reveals how a person can have many character strengths combined with many character weaknesses. If you prefer cheerful movies with happy endings, this one isn't for you. But if you have the guts to watch a painful, gritty story, check out Christian Bale's performance and try to imagine Ashton Kutcher doing that.

Betcha can't.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength .

Father Attacks Son After Boy's Team Lost a Basketball Game

As I interview mature adults about their "teen journeys," I've seen just about every kind of "baggage" - unresolved feelings about how their parents treated them. I was reminded of this as I read this article by Jonathan Wall, "Man arrested for punching son at basketball tournament."

Apparently, his son was a player on the losing team, and his father became so enraged that he grabbed his son and began punching him in the face - in full view of other parents, who stopped the attack and called police.

Some thoughts...

• Why did the father react with rage? There are so many other ways he could have reacted. To me, this is an example of an adult who, when he was an adolescent himself, presumably didn't exercise his developing prefrontal cortex much. In brain development, it's a use-it-lose-it proposition, and so he did little or no work to form the connections for his foundation for critical thinking. Sad.
• The father is like many parents. He thinks youth sports is all about winning and losing. It's not. It's about developing physical fitness, social skills, and - most important - aspects of personal strength. Sad that so many parents don't understand this, because it's an opportunity to use sports to help a child grow stronger for the challenges of adult life.
• The father committed a crime against his son. He needs to be found guilty and serve time.
• In the primitive times in which we live, anybody can become a parent. Anybody. Unlike driving a car, using a firearm or working in a skilled profession, you don't need a license. You don't have to certify that you're competent to raise a child.
• Nobody died. But psychological damage has been done, and this fourteen-year-old boy is going to grow up with some serious baggage.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use photo purchased from fololia.com)

ProStar Coach, Teenagers, and More - Recent Interview on Blog Talk Radio

Sharon Ball

Recently I was interviewed by Sharon Ball on Blog Talk Radio. Sharon is a prominent life coach and author of the book, Reinventing Yourself Today.

She asked some interesting questions about my work. I talked about the origins of ProStar Coach, how I discovered a passion for parenting teenagers, and my new books-in-process, Conversations with the Wise Uncle and Conversations with the Wise Aunt. If you're interested in hearing our conversation, CLICK HERE or click start arrow below.

Listen to internet radio with sharonball1 on Blog Talk Radio

ENJOY!

About the books mentioned in the interview...

For girls - Conversations with the Wise Aunt


For boys - Conversations with the Wise Uncle

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength .

Mike Krzyzewski's Weakness Exposed - Stall Ball

I almost never post about basketball. But I'm an over-the-top Duke fan, and I rearrange my calendar around Duke hoops. I monitor recruiting. I track what the players are doing in the summer. I read every article about Duke basketball on the Internet. I watch every single game on TV, if it is televised. Even with the windows closed, the neighbors can hear me shouting during games. I've been doing this the whole time that Mike Krzyzewski has been at Duke.

Plus, Mike Krzyzewski and I were cadets at West Point at the same time. I'm a HUGE fan.

Duke's legendary coach has more victories than any Division I men's basketball coach in history. He knows how to attract talented and develop them. He knows how to win. He's the ultimate class act in basketball, whether college or pros. He deserves all the adulation he has received.

But he has an Achilles heel. As I write, he has 910 victories and 4 NCAA championships; but if it weren't for this flaw, he'd no doubt have 950 victories and 6 championships. Most of the TV sports announcers know what this flaw is, and all the veteran coaches know, too. And when Coach K implements this ill-advised strategy, as he often does, the coaches have learned how to counter it.

The flaw is "clock management" or "slowing the game down." Many people call it "stall ball." It was invented by legendary UNC coach Dean Smith. He called it "four corners." The idea was to build up a lead and towards the end of the game, just pass the ball around, running the clock down. It drove opposing coaches crazy, because it didn't leave them with enough time to come back and win. It probably drove Coach K crazy, too.

Maybe that's why Coach K loves to use the strategy.

Actually, I do, too.

The problem is, Coach K implements it too soon.

I believe there's a fairly low-risk way to hold the ball and let the clock run down. It's simple mathematics. If the team that's ahead just holds the ball for 30 seconds, misses the shot, and the other team scores right away, that's no problem if the lead is more than 2 points. If you do that twice and stall for 60 seconds, you'd need a lead of more than 4 points. So the rule of thumb is to multiply the number of minutes remaining by 4 to determine the size of lead you need to play no-risk clock management. Hopefully, the leading team will force a turnover or score, which is all to the good. But if a team waits to stall the ball, using this guideline, it's almost impossible to lose.

But Krzyzewski consistently starts managing the clock much too soon, creating unnecessary risks. For example, in the game with Washington on December 10, 2011, he started managing the clock with 4:46 to go. By my calculation, he would need a 19-point lead to work the clock down to a safe victory. But the lead was only 14. With a 14-point lead, to play it safe, you should wait until 3:30 left. Seemingly, he trusts his team to score or create defensive stops or turnovers. And sometimes they do, and Duke wins. But sometimes they don't.

That's because of three things. First, Duke got the comfortable lead by implementing their offense. Shifting to stall ball means the players have to stop doing that. This is a jarring change of pace. It upsets every aspect of the offensive chemistry.

Second, after holding the ball and with only 10 seconds left in the possession, there's only time for one shot; and it's a pressured, well-defended shot because the other team can see it coming. Most of the time, the shot misses because the only available shot is a low-percentage shot. The other team gets the rebound, attacks, scores and closes the gap. If this pattern continues, Duke loses. So this seemingly conservative strategy is actually a very risky one if implemented too soon. And Krzyzewski all too often makes this mistake.

The third and scariest thing is that once Coach K shifts to stall ball, he almost never shifts back to his regular offense, regardless of how much the lead disappears. Why this is so, I don't know. I can only speculate. But it's great news for opposing coaches.

I remember watching a game several years ago when Duke squandered a 30-point lead against Virginia. They began stalling halfway through the second half. Duke kept missing time-pressured low-percentage shots, and Virginia kept slashing and scoring. In the end, Duke's lead was gone and Virginia won. I've never forgotten that game, because the pattern repeated itself in future games.

Ironically, the most conservative way to win is to stay with the aggressive basketball that got you the lead in the first place. Most teams do that. But Mike loves stall ball. I think he truly believes it's one of the reasons he wins so often.

At the 4:46 mark in the Washington game, Duke led 74-60; and they began slowing the game down. But then Washington stole the ball and scored on a fast break. This pattern repeated itself. Duke lost the ball again and Washington scored. At 3:00 the score was 74-64. Stall ball wasn't working. Duke was losing its lead. According to my formula, at 3:00 they would need a 12-point lead to stall safely, but they led by only 10.

But Duke continued to stall. At 2:17 the score was 75-66. They needed a 9-point lead, and they had a 9-point lead. Luckily for Duke, they were fouled repeatedly and they made some free throws. With 0:50 left, the score was 81-72. Mathematically, Duke's victory was all but assured. Washington had to foul deliberately for any chance to win, and Duke made more free throws. Washington made a buzzer-beater 3-point shot, and the game endded 86-80. Coach K made it happen. His gamble paid off in another victory.

But why gamble? Does Coach K enjoy the thrill of the risk? Duke went from a 14-point lead to winning by only 6. "Duke held off Washington," said the reports after the game. Actually, during that final 5-minute stretch Duke did not make a single basket. By contrast, Washington scored 20 points in those five minutes. Scary. But Duke was fouled several times and made about half of some free throws.

If I were to presume to advise the legendary coach, I'd tell him this - "When you get a nice lead, continue with what got you there. Keep playing aggressive basketball until the lead is 4 times the number of minutes remaining. Then - if you must - start slowing the game down. Train your players to protect the ball, because your desperate opponent will try to steal it and break for an easy score. My preference, though, would be to keep on working your offense and try to increase the lead. That's what the players would like to do and it's less risky. But if you absolutely must shift to managing the clock, don't do it too soon."

Coach K - "Thanks for your analysis, Denny. Good food for thought."

Denny - "You're welcome, Coach."

NOTE TO MY REGULAR READERS. Thanks for letting me depart from my usual focus on personal strength, people skills, personal strength and teen development. In a way, this article is about some of that. I know the chance that Coach K will see this article is pretty small, and even smaller that he would give it any credibility if he did read it.

But maybe...

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength .

We Mourn the Sudden Death of Max, Our Beloved Cat-Person

On planet Earth, over a quarter of a million humans died yesterday. In fact, that many people die every day. It's impossible to grasp the significance of this fact. Aside from the obituaries, only one or two of these deaths were mentioned in news reports that day. But each death is a loss, affecting the people who knew and cared about the individual.

My father died in a senseless car accident 45 years ago. He was taking his usual country road short-cut on his way to work. It was just before dawn. The other car failed to stop at a stop sign and t-boned the driver's side of the car. Dad was killed instantly. He was the father of eight children, and his death was not only deeply felt, it caused enormous consequences in the lives of my mother and younger siblings. His death was sudden and unexpected. One day he was playing with the kids in the front yard.

The next day he was gone. Forever.

My cat Max died recently. He wasn't among the quarter of a million humans who died, but his death mattered to me. The relationship I had with Max for fourteen years was one of the most important relationships of my life. I expressed my love for him often.

He and I had a morning ritual called "drinkee." Max slept with us every night. When I got up in the morning, Max would run to the sink and ask to be lifted to the counter. He could just as easily have jumped up, but he liked being lifted. I would then turn on a trickle of cold water for him. The ritual had two parts. First, he would step into the sink and drink from the faucet. Drinkee. Then he wanted me to pet him thoroughly. After a while, he'd take another drinkee. Then more pets. I couldn't shave until he was done with our ritual.

He was my TV buddy. I got this wide-screen HD TV so I could watch sports, movies, and science documentaries. Max would settle next to me in my recliner and watch all these programs with me. If I had cheese and crackers, I shared my cheese. If I had popcorn, I'd give him little pieces that he swallowed whole.

He had the most expressive face I'd ever seen on a cat. He had more than a dozen distinct, recognizable expressions. I could tell what he was thinking just by looking at his face. No language was required. His most common expression was, "I love you, Dad."

It happened like this...

• Afternoon the day before, Max scarfs down his dinner.
• Next morning he's late for breakfast - maybe the first time in his life.
• Later, he chases a cat toy, then takes a nap.
• That evening, he won't touch his food and eats only a little of his favorite treat.
• When Kathleen notices he's panting abnormally, we take him to the emergency vet.
• His condition declines quickly. Max seems in pain and is having a hard time breathing.
• The vet takes X-rays and explains he has a cancer tumor that is causing his chest cavity to fill with fluid. The fluid is pressing on his lungs so that he can barely breathe. She says without an intervention he will die that night. The intervention will be painful and will give him only another week. Other more radical options ruin his quality of life. No scenario has him living more than a year. She said he had probably coped and disguised his condition for some time.
• So we say goodbye.
• At 1:30 AM we go home without Max.

It's a strange thing to continue my life routines without him, because he was a special cat-person, a member of our small family. The whole episode was bewildering because it happened so suddenly. One day he was getting his drinkee and playing with cat toys.

The next day he was gone. Forever.

We know how to grieve, and we'll create a special memorial for Max somewhere on our property. Kathleen said she might want to plant a dogwood tree in front of the house.

Meanwhile, I'm going through the motions, slumping towards acceptance and ultimately, affirmation.

More about Max...

Kathleen mourns

Max - My Role Model for PATIENCE

My Buddy Max, An Intelligent Life-form

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength .

NASA Discovers Alien World Suitable for Supporting Life

About a year ago, I wrote an article reporting that scientists have discovered hundreds of exoplanets - planets outside our solar system, planets circling other stars. Now, reports from this research talk about thousands of such planets having been discovered. Maybe next year reports will speak about tens of thousands of planets. Maybe the year after that, hundreds of thousands.

Graphic image courtesy of NASA

In an article by Mike Wall, editor at Space.com, NASA reported that the Kepler spacecraft discovered the first ever alien world in the habitable zone. This means it has the right kind of star, is far enough from the star (but not too far) for liquid water to exist, and is far enough from the center of the Milky Way galaxy to be safe from dangerous cosmic rays. To set the record straight, the discovery is not really a world, but a "planet candidate," and must be verified by other telescopes. And other factors need to be in place to make the planet "habitable" for life.

Still, it's a unique discovery. It's what the Kepler team was hoping to achieve.

Why is the possibility that life exists on other worlds such a big deal? Well, I'm not sure. Regardless of what this discovery signifies for humankind, it's an impressive technological feat. If scientists could confirm that life actually does exist on this planet (which they have no way of doing), a fair question would be "So what?" What difference would it make to us Earthlings? Would it be just knowing that life exists elsewhere in the universe? Again, why would that knowledge be significant?

The report says that the planet is only 600 light years away. Well, maybe we should send a recon mission to check it out, then. Only 600? It's 700 miles to Uncle George's house in Carthage, Missouri, and we go there all the time. If it's only 600 light years away, let's get going!

Wait a second. Let's do the math. Light travels about 700 million miles per hour. The fastest spacecraft ever launched by humankind travels at 50,000 miles per hour. Say we could build a high-tech propulsion system and get the velocity up to a million miles per hour. Zoom! Zoom! Even that blinding speed is 1/700th the speed of light. So it would take the recon vehicle about 400,000 years to get there. And another 400,000 years to get back.

Yes, 600 light years is relatively near (our Milky Way galaxy is more than 100,000 light years across), but that's 800 millenia for a round trip. I guarantee you that by the time they got back, no one would care what the answer was.That far into the future, it's likely that there would be no people left on Earth to hear the answer.

But wait...if there's life on the planet, maybe it's intelligent, and advanced. Maybe they could come to us! No, that's not realistic. We could beam a radio signal to them, but it would take 600 years for the signal to reach them. And even if they traveled at the speed of light, it would take them 600 years to make the journey. It's too far to go.

So this news is very interesting, and exciting in kind of an ephemeral, geeky sort of way. It seems probable, even almost certain that life beyond Earth exists somewhere in our galaxy. But the distances are so vast we struggle to comprehend them. We are too far apart to connect. Any truly intelligent life-form would have to conclude - yeah, great. But so what?

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength .

Achievement Rule #1 - Ignore the Naysayers

When I was 25 and serving my combat tour in Vietnam, I got two important letters.

One was from the head of the Department of Psychology at West Point.

The other was from the head of the Department of English at West Point.

Psychology and English were my favorite subjects when I was a cadet.

I was passionately interested and worked hard, so my professors loved me.

Both letters invited me to teach in their department at West Point.

I was thrilled.

I replied to both letters that I would love to teach there, and what would be my next step?

I figured I would go with the one that responded first.

That turned out to be the Department of English.

I never heard back from the Department of Psychology.

I later learned that the Department of Psychology mysteriously never got my letter.

So it goes.

So I pursued a graduate degree in English at Duke University.

They accepted me even though I hadn't majored in English.

The Army told me I had two years to earn a masters degree.

All my Army colleagues had to take a semester of undergraduate make-up courses first.

I studied the catalog and determined I could earn the masters in one year.

I could meet all the course requirements for a Ph.D. in two years.

But I would need to take graduate courses right away.

I typed and signed my course request card and gave it to the department head.

He said, "No one has ever completed a card without counseling before. You already know what you want to do."

He seemed impressed and approved my request.

I didn't have to take any undergraduate make-up courses.

But I was in over my head.

Some of my classmates already had a masters in English.

My professor talked about novels I hadn't read.

At night I would go home and read one of the novels.

That meant reading a novel almost every night.

In class, my classmates used fancy words I didn't understand.

That night I would look up the words and add them to my vocabulary.

By the end of the first term, I felt confident enough to speak up in class.

By the end of the second term, I knew what I was talking about.

I took the exam for my masters degree and passed it.

By the end of the second summer and the third term, I had finished all 60 credit hours.

I had met all the requirements to take the Ph.D. candidate exam.

I took it and passed it.

After starting behind the eight ball, I had achieved "all but dissertation" status in 18 months.

My classmates with masters degrees were still studying.

I decided to write my dissertation about the celebrated American novelist John Cheever.

I met him, and we became friends.

I met Cheever and we hit it off. He told me everything about his life and work.

When my two years were up, I had completed my research and had written three chapters.

I joined the Department of English at West Point and maintained my friendship with John Cheever.

I earned my Ph.D. in 1977.

All this hard work changed my life.

This isn't a story about "fake it till you make it."

It's about following your passion, believing in yourself, being bold, working hard and never quitting.

I wouldn't be where I am today, who I am today, if I hadn't tried to do things that had never been done before.

It's amazing what you can do when you ignore people who say you can't do it and just get to work.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength .

Performing 'In a Flow,' 'In the Zone' - A Form of Mindfulness

In another article, I referred to the work of Eckhart Tolle, who advocates that people make spending time "in the moment" their primary mode of being. It's a spiritual message, because the failure to do so means failing to live an authentic life.

I'm a big sports fan, and one of the big fascinations for me is how the top performers do what they do on the playing field. How does a football team fall behind 0 to 10 and end up winning 42 to 10? How does a basketball player attempt a clutch 3-point shot at the end of a close game, with three defenders trying to block him - and make the shot? How does a professional golfer hit a shot to the green 200 yards away, in 30 mph swirling and gusting wind, with trees blocking his view of the pin - and land the ball within 3 feet of the hole? And on and on. This kind of achievement fascinates me.

Watching this sort of thing makes me think of what Tolle and others say about mindfulness and living in the moment. Because it's impossible to perform in competition without making a horrible, costly mistake. It happens almost every time. But the top players don't dwell on what has happened. And they don't think much about what could happen in the future. Their discipline is to focus their attention on the experience of making the play that is right in front of them...in the present moment. Bad things happen, they react to them, and in only a few moments they stop thinking about it. In other words, they practice mindfulness in their sport.

You've heard people talk about "being in the zone," especially as it relates to sports. Broadcasters say this when a player is executing at the full capacity of his skill, making one outstanding play after another. What's really happening is that the athlete has turned off his mind and is executing automatically what he has programmed his brain to do. He may have thought about details of technique and how-to during thousands of hours or practice. But the purpose of practice is to wire the brain to execute the skill automatically. You can't do anything in an outstanding way if you have to think about how to do it while you're doing it. You have to just do it.

This "flow" is also a form of mindfulness. You have to be fully present, in the moment. You can't be thinking about anything in the past or about future consequences. These things have nothing to do with performing well in the present moment.

Things like overconfidence and loss of composure are related to failures to be present in the moment. They come from thinking too much about the future or the past.

Of course this applies to any human endeavor, not just to sports, whether playing music, speaking in public, dealing with people or writing a novel.

Do you remember a time when you were "in a flow" or "in the zone," performing at a high level? It's a wonderful thing. Top performers have learned to shift into that mode at will. If you're an ambitious, success-oriented person who wants to perform at your best, I encourage you to learn how to consciously execute that shift.

And how would you learn to do this? Why, how you get good at doing anything...by doing it more often, doing it a lot, until the doing becomes second nature and you can do it without thinking about it.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use image purchased from fotolia.com)

Surviving Adversity - 17 Basic Truths

"Contrary to popular belief, there are no victims in this world – only willing participants. You can't always control your circumstances, but you can control how you respond to them. And everyone has the power to change at any time."

Dr. Edith Eva Eger

The quote is from Dr. Edith Eva Eger, clinical psychologist. She came from a Hungarian Jewish family, which was taken to Auschwitz death camp in 1944. She survived when after the camps were liberated in the spring of 1945, an American soldier found her nearly lifeless body with other dead bodies. In 1949 she and her husband moved to the United States. She earned her Ph.D. in Psychology at the University of Texas, El Paso in 1969.

Today, Dr. Eger is a sought-after clinical psychologist and lecturer, helping individuals discard their limitations, discover their powers of self-renewal, and achieve things they previous thought unattainable. Here's a sampling of fundamental truths she encourages people to reflect upon:

• 1. Every problem is temporary.
• 2. The quality of your decisions determines the quality of your life.
• 3. Dire conditions allow opportunities for inner growth.
• 4. Adversity is what life is all about. You have the power to use adversity to your advantage!
• 5. Blame and condemnation seldom produce positive change and almost always make things worse.
• 6. Others only have as much power over you as you let them!
• 7. The most obnoxious person in your life is often your best teacher.
• 8. Aggression and passivity are two of the least effective behaviors to effect a solution.
• 9. To find freedom we need to forgive.
• 10. Forgiving is a selfish act to free yourself from being controlled by your past.
• 11. Cooperation requires a lot less energy than competition or domination.
• 12. Every situation can be viewed from many perspectives. Is there a pattern to the way you view most situations?
• 13. Focus on seeing the world the way it could be, not the way it is.
• 14. Take responsibility for the responses you make.
• 15. Turn problems into challenges and crises into transitions!
• 16. You may walk through the Valley of Death but don't set up camp there.
• 17. To lead full lives we need to get in touch with ourselves, discard our limiting beliefs, and shed our prejudices.

Using her past as a powerful analogy, she inspires people to tap their full potential and shape their best destinies. It's a message of healing, personal growth, and freedom from self-imposed limitations  - a message that helps people build character, deal effectively with life's events, and enrich the lives of others. For more information about Dr. Eger, check her website...

An inspiring story about another Auschwitz survivor and her message of forgiveness...

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength .