Schadenfreude - A West Point Memory

In 1967 I got my undergraduate degree in general engineering from the U.S. Military Academy at West Point. My four years there were an amazing experience. Getting the chance to go there was one of the luckiest things that ever happened to me. 846 of us arrived there in 1963, and at the end 583 classmates graduated and were commission as second lieutenants in the Regular Army. Most of us served in Vietnam, and 30 of us did not return.

The story of our time at West Point and our service in Vietnam is told in a recently released documentary, "In Harm's Way." It's a well-balanced, extremely well-done production, although the DVD isn't available to the public yet. Watching that DVD brought back a lot of old memories - some of them unpleasant.

One bad memory popped into my head for the first time since graduation. It happened in the fall of my freshman (plebe) year. One evening after a parade, an upperclassman in my company stopped me as I was going to my room. His name was Al Randall (not his real name).

"Hey Coates!" he shouted at me.

I immediately came to a halt and stood at attention. I wondered if I had done something wrong. "Yessir!"

"Come here, I want you to meet someone. It's my date."

Alarm bells went off. Why this surly upperclassman would want to introduce me to his date was beyond me. I could think of no good reason and figured I was in for a ton of trouble. But I followed him outside, and I soon found out why he wanted me to meet her. She was Jane Steele, one of my high school classmates. I thought it was amazing that we could leave Ludwigsburg American High School (in Germany) in May and see each other again at West Point in September. It was a nice surprise. Maybe Al Randall wasn't such a bad guy after all.

"Fall out, mister. Relax. You're with friends for now," Al said. This meant I had his permission not to stand at attention. I asked Jane how she was doing and where she was going to school. After some small talk, Al said, "Well, Mr. Coates, I know you've got things to do. Time to say goodbye."

And that was that. I counted that as one of the many surprises that happened to me during that first year. The next surprise happened after supper that night. Al Randall stopped me in the barracks area as I walked back to my room.

"You seemed to be having a good time talking to my girlfriend," he said.

"Yes, sir. I mean, no, sir. I mean it was good to see a high school classmate again."

"I bet. She said a lot of good things about you. Did you ever get it on with her?"

"No, sir. We never dated. We were just acquaintances. I didn't know her very well, sir."

"Are you lying to me?"

"No, sir!"

"It looked to me like you were trying to snake her away from me."

Oh, man, I could see I was in big trouble now. "No, sir."

"Well, I tell you what. I don't think you're being straight with me. I want you to report to my room at nineteen-thirty hours in full dress gray, ready for inspection. Do you understand?"

"Yessir."

"Now post!" I did an about face and marched back to my room. I did everything I could to pass his inspection, but of course it wasn't good enough. That night I learned a little more about hazing than I wanted to. I concluded that he was a sadistic person and throughout my first year I did my best to steer clear of him. But our paths crossed a few more times, and each time he made me report to his room. These visits always resulted in humiliation and demerits and I ended up walking punishment tours on more than a few weekends.

After that first year, I forgot about Al Randall. As sophomores, my classmates were accepted as upperclassmen. I was beyond his reach.

But the spring of my junior year, when Al Randall was a senior and only a couple weeks before graduation, I learned that he had been dismissed from the Academy for cheating on an exam.

I never had to get my revenge. He did it to himself, which is what usually happens. Because of his low character he survived four years at West Point only to be kicked out before he could graduate.

At that moment, I experienced a moment of intense joy that I later learned was called schadenfreude, (pronounced SHAW-den-froi-duh) derived from a German word that means "taking pleasure in the misfortune of others." I'm not sure if I ever experienced that unique kind of joy again at any time during the next 45 years. But watching "In Harm's Way" brought that memory back. It was an amazing time to be alive at an amazing place.

I wondered whatever happened to Al. In my fantasy he became a police officer in a small town, where he could use his authority to make life miserable for people who had broken the law or who he suspected were capable of breaking the law. Don't worry, I'm not going to Google him to find out. No doubt there are lots of guys his age named Al Randall, and some of them are probably good, decent people.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2012. Building Personal Strength .

Physical Strength, Personal Strength - Some of Us Want a Better Life

I was at the grocery store recently when I decided to snap out of it and notice the people around me. After a few minutes I realized that most of the people there looked overweight.

But I already knew that. I've read the reports that say over two-thirds of Americans are overweight. We have an obesity problem in San Antonio, Texas, which is near where I live.

I work out at Planet Fitness six times a week. On occasion I snap out of it and notice the people around me. They are all working hard to become more fit and healthy. I honor them for that. Sometimes I count the number of men and women. Usually there are slightly more women than men on the machines.

There are lots of empty machines. I never have to wait. That's because I've never counted more than 100 people in the gym at any time. This means that only a tiny fraction of the people who need to work on becoming stronger and healthier physically are actually making the effort.

And so it goes.

My business is personal development. I know that practically everyone on the planet needs better interpersonal communication skills. Personal and work relationships are wounded because of this shortcoming, but not many people are trying to improve in this area. I find this amazing, and I think a lot about what could be done to change this situation.

In the world there are many exemplary human beings, but most of us are a mixture of strengths and weaknesses. Most of us need to become stronger as individuals in some way. A secret - doing things well requires know-how and motivation, but you won't achieve your personal or professional goals if you're not good with people and if you're not strong enough to work through adversity. People need to connect better and grow stronger as individuals - more courage, more patience, more compassion, more focus, more composure...the list of personal strengths includes over three dozen vital behavior patterns.

But not many people are consciously working on these core strengths.

Like the good-hearted people around me every morning at the gym, I know that some of us want to be stronger as individuals to live a better life. Like the folks on the treadmills and stationary bikes, they're in the minority. But they're trying. They care about who they are. They want better relationships. They want to be more successful.

My passion is to find ways to make it easier for people to make this happen.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2012. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use photo purchased from fotolia.com)

Wisdom 101 - Six Simple Rules for a Better Life

A friend whose judgment I trust strongly recommended that I read the book, Six Simple Rules for a Better Life: Practical, achievable ways to be happier, healthier and more (2011), by David J. Singer. When the book arrived I opened it to the Contents page. I thought, Only six rules? Each chapter is devoted to a rule. Chapter 1, Be Happy. The others were equally broad: Be Nice, Be a Leader, Be Organized, Be a Lifelong Learner, Be Healthy…

At first I was skeptical. What could I possibly learn about being happy in a single chapter? What could I learn about being a leader?

Intrigued, I began reading. What I discovered is that Singer is a terrific writer. He communicates in a clear, conversational style that makes it seem as if author and reader are sitting in a living room chatting. He’s a great storyteller. Each chapter is packed with stories, and the stories make his points convincingly. I soon realized that Singer isn’t trying to break new ground. He’s just focusing on the good stuff.

Having finished the first chapter, I thought, Yes, if I do these things I have a great chance of being happy.

And so it went all the way through the book. Singer is a student of success and happiness. He’s read most of the classics in the self-improvement genre, and he generously shares the best insights from these authors. Reading the book was like taking a short course in having a good life. And to get an A in the course, all I have to do is implement these reminders of good, commonsense advice.

The bottom line: Even if you’ve been reading books like this all your life, you should read this one as well. It brings all that wisdom back into focus and makes it fresh—in the most entertaining way possible.

David J.Singer's website...

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2012. Building Personal Strength .

Teens and Violent Video Games - What's Really Happening

An issue has been preoccupying my mind - young people who watch violent video games.

In the entertainment world, the video game business is much bigger than the movie industry, with more than $10 billion spent on video game devices and programs every year. In 1996 the US Marine Corps licensed the video game "Doom II" in order to create their own combat simulation game to train soldiers for combat. According to news reports, Norwegian Anders Breivik, who went on a bombing and shooting rampage and killed 77 innocent people, claimed he watched the video game "Call of Duty" for hours on end to sharpen his killing skills.

Only 2 or 3 teenagers out of 100 didn't watch a video game last year, and half of the top-selling games contained violence. If you kill enough people, you get to go to the next level. The question is, are these violent video games harmful to children?

Dr. David Walsh thinks so. He's the author of the best-selling book about teens, Why Do They Act That Way (Free Press, 2004), and president and founder of the National Institute on Media and the Family. Here's his position.

There are actually two sides to this issue. One side points to disturbing studies. The other side says the studies are flawed and inconclusive. It reminds me of the public arguments over whether smoking is harmful or whether humans are contributing to global warming. Here's a summary of the pros and cons.

And here's my two cents, if you're interested.

Behavior patterns are created when a person repeats an action often enough that the brain cells involved physically wire together. A life habit results, and the neural pathway is permanent. And the brain doesn't care whether it's a beneficial behavior or a destructive one. Repeat it often enough and the brain will wire itself to do it automatically. It's one of the most important things the brain does; it's a survival mechanism.More on this...

If a kid plays "World of Warcraft" often enough, his developing brain is going to wire itself for the behaviors involved in playing the game. What if some of those behaviors are the attitude that the game is totally fiction, crazy fun having nothing to do with the real world? Then probably it won't lead to murder and terror. Maybe the kid will turn out to be a great humanitarian. Who knows what kids are feeling and thinking when they play these games? I don't. Do you?

These video games aren't the cause. Like guns don't cause murder. Murderers with guns do. Money isn't the root of all evil. It's the root of a lot of good, too. But money in the wrong hands....

So maybe you think "it's just a game" and it's a good way to keep them off the street. Maybe it even gets them interested in computers. Well, it is just a game and it does keep them off the streets, at least for a while.

For me, the bottom line is a question for parents who think it's cool for their kids to play these games hours on end: "Do you feel lucky today?"

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2012. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use photo purchased from fotolia.com}

10 Great Quotes from Famous TV Psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers

Do you remember Dr. Joyce Brothers?

I ask because years ago she was a huge celebrity and popular author, but we haven't heard from her in nearly 20 years. As I write, she's now 84 years old, retired and living in Ft. Lee, New Jersey.

Dr. Joyce Brothers

She earned her Ph.D. in psychology from Columbia. Most psychologists either become counselors, do research, or teach at a university. I'm not sure whether she ever had a clinical practice, but she reached millions of people through the media. She broke into TV in 1955 by winning the all the marbles on the TV show, "The $64,000 Question," answering correctly all the questions on the topic of "boxing." After that she dispensed advice on radio and TV for years and became so well known that she appeared regularly on most of the game shows and talk shows. For years she had a regular column in Cosmopolitan. Dr. Phil notwithstanding, she was probably the most famous psychologist media star ever. She even had parts in some movies. She used her fame to write several best-selling advice books, the last of which was Positive Plus: The Practical Plan for Liking Yourself Better (1995).

She was intelligent, confident, smart, action-oriented, charismatic and attractive. While her personality shines in front of the camera, her intelligence comes through in her books. I've always found what she had to say helpful, on-target and well-spoken. It's as if her wisdom doesn't come from studying people, but from living life. Which is why I've collected so many of her quotes.

My favorites...

On ATTITUDE - "Success is a state of mind. If you want success, start thinking of yourself as a success."

On COMMITMENT - ”If your energy is as boundless as your ambition, total commitment may be a way of life you should seriously consider.“

On COURAGE - "Accept that all of us can be hurt, that all of us can - and surely will at times - fail. Other vulnerabilities like being embarrassed or risking love, can be terrifying too. I think we should follow a simple rule: if we can take the worst, take the risk."

On EFFORT - "No matter how much pressure you feel at work, if you could find ways to relax for at least five minutes every hour, you'd be more productive."

On INTUITION - "Trust your hunches. They're usually based on facts filed away just below the conscious level."

On LOVE - "Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable."

On OPEN-MINDEDNESS - "Listening, not imitation, may be the sincerest form of flattery."

On PERSEVERANCE - “The one quality all successful people have is persistence. They're willing to spend more time accomplishing a task and to persevere in the face of many difficult odds.”

On SELF-ESTEEM - "An individual's self-concept is the core of his personality. It affects every aspect of human behavior: the ability to learn, the capacity to grow and change. A strong, positive self-image is the best possible preparation for success in life."

On TRUST - "The best proof of love is trust."

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2012. Building Personal Strength .

Will Your Child Develop a Brilliant Mind? Two Things You Need to Know

The human brain has dozens and dozens of areas that perform special tasks. While a baby is born with a complete brain, it's like a brand new computer with no software and no data. So throughout childhood, the outer layer of the brain, the cerebral cortex - where "programs" and "data" are stored - programs its "operating system."

Each area of the cortex begins a window of development in which the foundation for that function gets wired up. As the child tries to perform the function - such as sight, hearing, physical coordination, crawling, walking, talking, etc., the brain cells in that area of the brain connect with each other. As brain scientists like to say, "the brain cells that fire together wire together." At the end of the period of development, The dendrites not used in the programing wither away and are absorbed by the body, and the process of building a foundation of basic capability for that area is over. The more exercise the particular area got, the more it wired itself, and the greater the platform of functionality.

Not all areas wire themselves at the same time. One of the first areas to wire itself is the visual cortex. Newborn babies don't see much, because that area of the brain isn't developed yet. But immediately they begin working like crazy every day to make sense of the information sent by the optic nerve to the brain. This is why visual stimulation is so important at that age. A child who is exposed to a rich variety of colors and shapes and textures will grow up with "an eye for detail." But if a baby were were kept in total darkness all the time during the first year of life, the window of development for the visual cortex would open and close without creating the programs for sight. The child would be essentially blind.

The last area of the cortex to develop is the prefrontal cortex, which is located behind the forehead. This is the area that "connects the dots." It forms associations and creates meaning and comprehension. So it relates cause and effect, envisions future consequences, evaluates information, performs logical reasoning, coordinates problem solving, decision making, planning, organizing and managing. You can see why they call it the "executive" part of the brain. When we say someone has a "brilliant" mind, we're talking about the prefrontal cortex.

Scientists now know that this area begins development at puberty. The window for laying down the basic wiring for critical thinking lasts about 12 years - the entire period of adolescence. Exactly like the other areas, development begins with "blossoming," as thousands of dendrites sprout from every brain cell in the area. But they aren't connected to anything. Like the other areas, the dendrites connect to other brain cells only when the person uses that brain area. The more it's used, the more robust the network of wiring. Sometime in the early twenties, the window of development closes, and all the dendrites that weren't used die off. Use it or lose it.

IMPORTANT - Development of this area is different from development of the other areas, in two significant ways.

First, the stakes are huge. When adolescence is over and a person is a physically mature adult, he or she will end up with a brilliant mind or a dull, simple one - or somewhere in between. I know people who are healthy, talented and nice people, but they don't reason very well. They have a hard time with conceptual thinking. On their own, they don't connect the dots very well. I'm sure you've met people like this - good people, normal people, but far from being brilliant thinkers.

This leads me to the second important difference. The development of the prefrontal cortex isn't like learning to walk or talk. It isn't a phase we all go through as we grow up, where we struggle initially but in the end we get the hang of it, we master the basics. Children have powerful intrinsic motivation to use the parts of their brain related to perception, physical coordination, crawling, walking and talking. They desperately want to have things, to hold them and use them. They desperately want to get from A to B. They want to ask for things and get them.

Teenagers aren't motivated in the same way to wire up their prefrontal cortex. They don't have a strong desire to think things through so they can foresee consequences, fight peer pressure, control impulses and manage their emotions. They can meet their needs and survive the ups and downs of teen years without working hard on cognitive skills they don't even know exist.

So the development of a fine mind isn't like a phase that kids work through to normalcy. At the end of adolescence, the brain cells in the prefrontal cortex that didn't fire together will not have wired together and the unused dendrites will be absorbed by the body. What's left is the individual's foundation for critical thinking. For life. There are no do-overs when it comes to brain development.

Yes, later as a adult the person can turn on to learning and build on the end result. But a minimal platform means limitations. It's hard to achieve comprehension when you aren't good at comprehending. So it will be hard to build on the basic foundation, and only so much connectivity can be constructed on a minimal platform.

All of this has huge implications for parents and teens. But sadly, what I've just written here is unknown to 99.999% of parents and teens today. If you follow my blog posts, you know I'm trying hard to get the word out.

Meanwhile, maybe a kid will get lucky and have a few teachers or other adult mentors who make him think. It happened to me, and it can happen to other kids. Or not. Or a parent can proactively interact with the teen to encourage independent thinking.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2012. Building Personal Strength .

On Judgment - What John W. Gardner Told Me about Leadership

John W. Gardner

Perhaps no writer on leadership has made a greater contribution to American life than John W. Gardner (1912-2002). I learned about him through his books, Excellence (1961), Self-Renewal (1964), In Common Cause (1972), On Leadership (1990) and others. He was Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare during the Lyndon Johnson administration, and he founded the "Common Cause" organization and the "White House Fellowship" program. And these were only a few of his accomplishments.

In 1979 I was a finalist in the White House Fellowship program. I wasn't one of the lucky ones ultimately chosen, but during the selection process it was my was good fortune to sit next to John Gardner during lunch. We engaged in pleasant small talk, but realizing that my one-on-one time with him would be brief, I cut to the chase with this question:

"Mr. Gardner, in your opinion what is the most important attribute of a leader?"

He paused a couple beats, then said: "Judgment."

His answer surprised me. I expected him to say something like vision, courage or creativity.

"Why do you think judgment is so important?" I asked.

"Because a leader is at the center of decision-making. And each time a decision is made, actions and consequences follow, which become the future. If a leader's judgment is flawed, the consequences can be horrible. For everyone."

It was an authoritative answer, the kind that required no follow up and inspired no rebuttal. I was a major in the U.S. Army at the time, and I thought of myself as a leader. I studied leadership and practiced what I learned. I wondered if I had good judgment. I knew that good judgment isn't in the genes; we aren't born with it. We acquire it through experience without thinking about it. I wondered if it were possible for a mature adult to consciously develop greater powers of judgment, and if so, how. These questions caused my mind to race. In fact, I don't remember anything else about that conversation.

That was over 30 years ago. I understand a lot more about judgment today than I did then.

For example, I've learned which part of the brain performs the mental operation we call "judgment." It's the prefrontal cortex - the lobe area right behind the forehead. That's the part of the brain that "connects the dots." It associates facts and data to create comprehension and meaning. It relates cause and effect, which allows us to envision future events. It's often called the "executive" part of the brain, because it coordinates functions such as evaluation, logic, intuition, creativity, problem solving, decision making, planning, organizing and managing. Important stuff! In fact, these abilities, along with language, are what make us so much smarter than other animals.

Also, I've learned that this is the last part of the brain to develop itself, a process that begins at puberty and continues throughout adolescence. At the onset, countless dendrites blossom from every brain cell, jamming the prefrontal cortex with unconnected wiring. This is why judgment is so hard for teens; it's like pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. But as a young person makes the effort, the prefrontal cortex steadily wires itself. At the end of that twelve-year period, the developmental window closes and all the dendrites that weren't used regularly are absorbed by the body, leaving one's foundation for judgment. Whether that foundation is minimal or robust depends on how much critical thinking the adolescent exercised.

As an adult, you can continue to improve your powers of judgment by exercising them. This causes more dendrites to connect with the wiring already in place. This means there are limits to how much you can improve your judgment. You can't build a huge edifice on a tiny foundation. The bottom line - those teen years are awfully important!

I wish I could have explained all this to Mr. Gardner. I'm sure he knew that judgment was something that happened in the brain and would have loved knowing the brain science explanation.

But even brain scientists didn't know about this back in 1979.

On the other hand, you and I know about it today. It's very empowering information. Maybe you can use this understanding to help some kids you know use their teen years well to prepare for the challenges of adult life.

Some of John W. Gardner's judgment...

On CHARACTER - “Some people strengthen the society just by being the kind of people they are.”

On CREATIVITY - “The creative individual is particularly gifted in seeing the gap between what is and what could be.”

On EXCELLENCE -  "Excellence is doing ordinary things extraordinarily well." 

On OPTIMISM - “We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as unsolvable problems.”

On SELF-AWARENESS -  “Life is an endless process of self-discovery.”

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2012. Building Personal Strength . (Photo in public domain, official government publicity photo)

Anatomy of a Trailer Park Murder-Suicide

I write a lot about the window of development for the part of the brain known as the prefrontal cortex, which happens during adolescence. It's a ten- to twelve-year opportunity for a young person to become wired for the cognitive skills for critical thinking: i.e., comprehension, analysis, logic, intuition, problem solving, decision making, planning, organizing and managing. Or not. The potential also exists for neglecting the opportunity, resulting in minimal development in that area.

The question sometimes comes up, so what? So what if a young person doesn't work that area much during the so-called critical period of development?

The answer is that at the end of adolescence, the areas of the prefrontal cortex that weren't reinforced and wired will lose the connections that weren't used. So if very little critical thinking was exercised in youth, very little foundation for logical judgment will remain.

The consequence is an adult who may have other good qualities, but who doesn't think things through very well.

I was thinking about this as I read a report in the paper about a local murder case. Elizabeth Trevino, 37, was with her family celebrating Easter when she got a call from her estranged common-law husband, Augustine, 39. The couple was having "relationship issues," and Augustine opted not to join the family gathering. He called to ask her to meet him at their home at the Windgate Mobile Home Park. When a female relative who lived with them returned to the trailer, she found the two of them dead. Apparently, Augustine had shot Elizabeth in the head, and then committed suicide.

Why this tragic result? Why this emotionally extreme way of resolving relationship problems? Yes, they were probably breaking up and it was painful for both of them. But why take another person's life? And then terminate your own existence? Were there no other options?

To pursue the answer to that question, you have to imagine what was going on in the mind of Augustine. Confusion? Humiliation? Loneliness? Resentment? Frustration? Anger? That's easy to imagine.

But why didn't Augustine try to think through what was happening in the relationship? What about taking his partner's feelings into account? What about considering the alternatives? What about foreseeing consequences? I can only imagine that he wasn't engaged in much of this kind of reflection. Apparently he was a man who reacted emotionally, with little capacity for logical judgment.

Had I been in his situation I, too, would have been deeply troubled. But I wouldn't have considered murder and suicide to be an option. Would you?

No one will ever know for sure why Augustine handled his issues this way. But apparently, thinking things through may not have been his strong suit. Maybe that was not his way of dealing with conflict.

So yes, people have the opportunity to wire their brains for critical thinking during adolescence. After that time of life is over, a person must live with the foundation that was constructed for the rest of adult life, whether it be a robust, expansive intellect or a minimal one.

Life is a perilous journey, especially if you don't appreciate how things work, the dangers and the consequences. Elizabeth's story is a tragic one, though it's not all that uncommon. Falling in love with Augustine turned out to be the biggest mistake of her life.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2012. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use photo purchased from fotolia.com)