A Rule for Relationships: Forgive the Small Things

Yesterday, as we prepared to go the gym for our morning workout, my wife discovered that she had misplaced her car keys. We searched for ten minutes and finally found them in the car, still in the ignition. Unfortunately, the battery was dead because she was listening to the radio when she left the car the day before.

We called Triple-A, and the tow-truck came to start the car. Problem solved. We went to the gym later that morning. 

But somewhere in the process, maybe when I realized she had left the car with the radio on, there was a perilous moment. My disappointment could have escalated to frustration or even anger. I could have thought, "How could you leave the car keys in the car - with the radio on?" 

Or maybe I could have actually said the words. Or worse. How about: "Why don't you pay attention to what you're doing?" Or "What's the matter with you?"

Do married couples actually say such things to each other? Do friends? Coworkers?

Of course they do. It wouldn't surprise me if some version of this scenario happened a million times a day across the planet.

But it's a costly mistake, for two reasons.

For one thing, it's hurtful. If you react in anger, it's verbally punishing. My wife was probably already feeling bad about it, but to have her husband pile on and put her down would attack her self-esteem. And that's the last thing I want. She's got challenging things to do in her life, and she needs to be strong and confident. 

Besides, I love her.

The other reason it's a mistake is that I'm not in a position to criticize. I've done the same thing myself - more than once. Who hasn't? People aren't perfect. And getting distracted and leaving your keys in the car is a good example of what imperfect people do. In fact, at this point in my life, I realize that almost everything that people can do to annoy me are things that I've done myself at one time or another. 

And besides, it's a small thing. Trivial. Petty. The correct thing for me to do is forgive her instantly. And reassure her that it's no big deal.

Do you want your relationships to endure? Do you want your marriage to grow stronger over time? It's all too easy to give in to anger and lash out. It does take a certain amount of strength to keep your composure and deal with your frustration without hurting the person you care about. But make the effort.

Forgive the small things.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., , Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Planets Collided and Life Was Made Possible

How old is the Earth? How did it form? Why does Earth have conditions that support life? Scientists are still pursuing answers, but what they've learned so far is fascinating.

Yesterday, I talked about the chance asteroid impact that caused the extinction of dinosaurs, which made it possible for mammals to flourish and evolve into the human species. Today, I'll talk about another, much grander impact--and the consequences for life on our planet.

A number of factors make it possible for life to flourish on Earth's surface. Two of them have their origins in early Earth history.

One factor is the Earth's electromagnetic field, which is strong enough to extend well into the upper atmosphere. It deflects radiation from the sun and cosmic rays from faraway events in the universe. Without the protection of this field, these deadly particles would reach the surface unfiltered, killing living organisms and stripping away most of the atmosphere. The result would be a planet like Mars, which has no magnetic field, no life and practically no atmosphere.

Not all planets have an electromagnetic field. Earth is unique and fortunate to have a large, molten iron core which is constantly in motion. It is this churning of molten iron that creates the electromagnetic field.

Another factor is that even though the Earth rotates on a tilted axis, it does not wobble. The reason the Earth's axis is so stable is that the moon's size and closeness creates sufficient gravitational pull to hold it in place. The consequence is that climates on Earth are relatively stable. If our moon wasn't as big as it and as close as it is, the Earth's axis would wobble back and forth widely, causing abruptly changing climates, conditions so chaotic that life as we kinow it could not exist.

So why are we so lucky? The answer has to do with with how our moon was formed.

4.5 billion years ago, as the matter left over from the formation of our sun was slowly coming together to form planets, the Earth's surface was a hot radioactive sea of molten rock. Meteors and comets rained onto the surface day and night.

About that time, another of the forming planets, somewhat smaller than the earth, traveled in its elliptical orbit and chanced to collide with the Earth. The glancing blow was catastrophic. The core of this planet merged with Earth's core and an enormous amount of debris was blown into space. As this debris orbited around the Earth, it soon gathered to form our moon.

Earth's enlarged iron core eventually caused our electromagnetic field. And the presence of our large moon stabilized the rotation of the Earth on its axis.

Put another way, this chance glancing blow 4.5 billion years ago--a direct hit might have had quite different, more disastrous consequences--caused our protective electromagnetic field and stable climates.
 
Put still another way, the chance conditions to support intelligent life in the universe may be more rare than previously thought. Actions have consequences. If this rogue planetoid had missed and continued on its way, you and I would not be here today to talk about it.

[Image copyright byartist James Garry, Fastlight Artwork. Used with permission.]

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., , Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

The Asteroid That Cleared the Way for Intelligent Life

Last week I read a fascinating article from Reuters out of London that reported a panel of 41 scientists from around the world met to discuss the various theories of why the dinosaurs, which had dominated life on Earth for about 100 million years, suddenly became extinct 65 million years ago. 

The most popular theory has been that a huge asteroid collided with earth. Another theory, which I was not aware of, involved a series of super-volcanoes that occurred in the area of what is now India. 

The group decided "once and for all" that the asteroid theory was correct. Their findings are published in a recent issue of Science. 

The impact was unimaginable - "a billion times more powerful than the atomic bomb at Hiroshima." But it was the after-effects that killed off the dinosaurs: wide-spread fires, earthquakes, massive landslides, tsunamis and a dust-cloud that caused a prolonged period of darkness.

However, the most important consequence of this awesome impact was not mentioned in the article. It's this: once all the dinosaurs were gone, the mammals that survived had the freedom to flourish. In the absence of their former predators, over millions of years many new species of mammals evolved, including modern-day human beings.

Let me state this another way. Because of the asteroid, intelligent life evolved on planet Earth. If the asteroid had missed, life on Earth today would be much different. I'm not saying worse - or better. Almost certainly, there would be no human species.

So, when theoretical astrophysicists speculate about intelligent life on earth-like planets orbiting around distant stars and when they calculate the probability of intelligent life existing there, they need to factor in things like chance collisions with giant asteroids, planetoids or comets.

But the KT extinctions asteroid wasn't the most important collision in Earth history that permitted human life to evolve. It was a collision hundreds of times more awesome. More about that event in tomorrow's post...

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., , Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

What Athletes Say about Being Strong for Life

Not long after returning from Vietnam, I arrived on the Duke University campus to attend graduate school. My professors were impeccable people, but not all of my classmates welcomed me. I remember one sweetheart called me a "baby-killer." She had embraced some kind of stereotype about military officers. For the record, my memory of my colleagues in uniform was that they were all unique individuals - a practically infinite range of personalities, talents and interests. Just like other people.

We love athletes, but people have stereotypes about them, too. "Dumb jocks." Ha! 

I thought it would be entertaining and instructive to hear what jocks can tell us about life.

On SERVICE:  "Wouldn't it be a beautiful world if just 10 percent of the people who believe in the power of love would compete with one another to see who could do the most good for the most people?" - Muhammad Ali, boxing

On INITIATIVE:  "Good thoughts are no better than good dreams, unless they are executed." - Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, basketball

On EFFORT:  “If everything's under control, you're going too slow.” - Mario Andretti, racing

On PERSEVEERANCE:  "Pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever." - Lance Armstrong, cycling

On SELF-CONFIDENCE:  "One important key to success is self-confidence. An important key to self-confidence is preparation." - Arthur Ashe, tennis

On COMMITMENT:  "What does it take to be a champion? Desire, dedication, determination, concentration and the will to win."  - Patty Berg, golf

On DECISIVENESS:  “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.” - Yogi Berra, baseball

On SELF-DEVELOPMENT:   “I don’t know if I practiced more than anybody, but I sure practiced enough. I wonder if somebody, somewhere, practiced more than me.” - Larry Bird, basketbal

On PERSEVERANCE:  “My greatest point is my persistence. I never give up in a match.” - Bjorn Borg, tennis

On CHARACTER:  “Being the first to cross the finish line makes you a winner in only one phase of life. It’s what you do after you cross the line that really counts.” - Ralph Boston, track

So...it takes personal strength for athletes to compete at their level. Plus, they know that. And that just gets us through the A's and B's in my quote database. If you enjoyed this perspective, let me know. I have a ton more wisdom from sports heroes.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., , Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT - Jim Rohn's Greatest Message

I really miss Jim Rohn and his reality-based messages. This 3-minute video contains the core essence of Jim Rohn's philosophy about success. It's inspiring to hear it.



"Work harder on yourself than you do on your job..."

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., , Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

LOYALTY - The Glue of Relationships

In his book Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell attempts to explain why some people are remarkably successful. His method is to focus on how they’re different from everyone else.  In one story, he describes Roseto, a town in Pennsylvania populated almost exclusively by immigrants from Roseto Valfortore, a small village in Italy. In the 1950s, doctors around Roseto noticed that almost no one under the age of 65 had heart disease. Also, there was almost no suicide, alcoholism, drug addiction or crime there. In fact, the major cause of death in Roseto was old age. After decades of studies, researchers found that none of the usual variables made any difference: not diet, not exercise, not genetics, and not the environment. 

To everyone’s surprise, the evidence showed that the major contributing factor was relationships. “You’d see three-generational family meals, all the bakeries, the people walking up and down the street, sitting on their porches talking to each other, the blouse mills where the women worked during the day, while the men worked in the slate quarries…It was magical.” They had transplanted their unique Italian village culture to create a close-knit community of caring relationships. That, far more than anything else, caused them to live long, healthy lives. 

One force that strengthens relationships is a dynamic we refer to as loyalty. But what is meant by that, exactly?

Our company has a great relationship with our banker, one that has endured more than ten years of high-flying and recession free-falling economies. A practical and personable businessman, he’s been loyal to us all that time. His most recent act of loyalty was to restructure our credit to our advantage, to help us thrive during the recession. He did this of his own initiative, even though it involved some risk to his bank. Naturally, we’ve been loyal to him, too.

So loyalty is earned, and it’s a two-way street. Being loyal means giving a relationship the higher priority. Simple enough—if you care about someone, then be there for them. Be true to them. Do what’s in their best interests. Based on your choice, a relationship will grow—or atrophy. The problem is, most people have many loyalties, including loyalty to oneself. And loyalties can sometimes conflict with each other. So it may be hard to choose one over the other. 

Our landlord, on the other hand, has consistently chosen not to give our company a high priority. The latest incident involved the dishwasher in our kitchen, which no longer works properly. Even though the dishwasher came with the property, he refuses to fix it. Based on his actions, we know that our relationship as a customer isn’t as important to him as the cost of repairing or replacing the appliance. As a result, we’ve started having creative discussions about becoming a virtual company when our lease is up.
 

Sometimes loyalty to a friend can conflict with loyalty to a principle.

Forty years ago, when I was an advisor in Vietnam, I was on a sweep through the countryside north of Cu Chi. On this occasion, I was riding on top of a mechanized infantry assault vehicle next to an old friend, who was the commander of the U.S. infantry company. On that day we had teamed for a joint mission—my Vietnamese counterpart’s infantry platoon and Butch’s mechanized infantry company. All the soldiers rode on top of the vehicles instead of inside in case one of them hit a booby trap. Together, we hunted for Viet Cong.

Actually, the Viet Cong were smart enough to hear our vehicles coming a mile away and hide until we passed. So Butch had arranged for a Cobra helicopter gunship to fly ahead of us looking for anything suspicious. Mid-morning, my friend got a call from the chopper that a “suspect” was running away in an open field. The pilot asked for permission to open fire. 

“How do you know he’s an enemy?” I asked Butch.

He smiled at me. “The friendlies don’t try to run away.”

“That’s not always true. You need more info.”

But instead, he gave the order for the pilot to engage him. Immediately, we heard a long, loud burst of the mini-gun fire. Butch then gave the order for his company to check the area ahead for more enemy.

We came through the trees to witness a scene that I’ll never forget. A dead body lay in the middle of an open field. The Cobra’s accuracy had been deadly. A young boy came running, screaming and crying. By the time I got off the track, the boy was crying over his father. When I removed the man’s ID card from his shirt pocket, it was covered with blood. But it confirmed that the man was a local farmer, not the enemy at all.

A terrible mistake had been made. An innocent man had been killed. It shouldn’t have happened. It was the result of an impulsive, callous decision. I felt certain that the boy’s sorrow would transform into hatred, and he would eventually join the Viet Cong. We hadn’t destroyed an enemy; we had created one.

This incident bothered me. I felt conflicted. Should I remain loyal to my friend? Or did the value for human life and humane treatment represent a higher loyalty? Later that week, I reported my friend to the authorities. It was a hard call, one that had repercussions. My friend was relieved of his command, a consequence that ruined his career. He and I never communicated again after that. Forty years later, I googled him and discovered that he’s now the CFO for a big company and a benefactor in his community.

For me, this experience had a hard lesson—that loyalty is an issue in every relationship and that loyalty decisions are sometimes hard to make. Also, it’s easy to make bad choices, especially if you aren’t conscious of how loyalty works or sensitive to this element in a particular relationship.

Also this: Doing the right thing usually means doing the hard thing.

INSIGHT

Be there for those you care about, and you’ll never be alone.

YOUR ACTION ASSIGNMENT

Think about someone close to you, such as a best friend, a business partner, or a spouse. Then do this:

1.    Assess how much you care about this person.
2.    Then make a list of anyone or anything that might take precedence over this person if you were faced with a conflict of loyalties.
3.    The next time you’re forced to choose between something this person needs and something else, analyze which loyalty is more important before you make your decision.
4.    Make your choice, take action, and make note of the consequences. 

*     *     *

Nurture relationships, and the garden of your life will flourish.

“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” - Oprah Winfrey

"Ah friend, let us be true to one another!" - Matthew Arnold
 
Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., , Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Love and Sex - Still a Mystery to Many

I remember when a friend told me, “Last week I met this guy. The chemistry was so wild we made love the first night. I feel something special with him. I think this is serious.” She isn’t a naive teenager. She has an amazing amount of life experience. 

I gave her a friendly smile. Inside, I felt like holding my head in my hands and rocking back and forth. Later, I found out the guy is no longer in the picture.

There's a vast difference between love and sex, and it amazes me that a lot of people who have been around the block a couple dozen times still don’t get it.

Relationship intimacy, when it happens, is a gradual coming together between two people. The more of themselves that people share with each other, the more intimate the relationship becomes. People have to trust each other to open themselves up to each other. It takes time together to achieve intimacy in a relationship.

I like to envision two selves as two circles. As strangers, the circles are apart. When strangers become acquaintances, the circles touch. When acquaintances become friends, the circles begin to overlap. If friends become close friends, there is greater overlap. Ideally, the self-circles of life partners are almost completely overlapped as they share their lives together. The two circles may never completely overlap. It’s probably healthy to keep some part of yourself totally private.

This concept of the merging of selves has helped me assess where I am in a relationship. It reminds me that the trust and affection of friends is earned. Relationships are constantly changing. They require attention, communication, giving and taking.

Sexual intercourse is only physical intimacy. The problem is that sex is often so physically exciting that it produces powerful emotions that can be mistaken for the love and affection of relationship intimacy.

And so it goes...

People are fooled, and we have the comedy and tragedy of love stories.


Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., , Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

PERSEVERANCE - Art That Will Amaze and Inspire You...

It's important that you scroll, and continue to scroll, as you witness ten of the most amazing sketches ever produced by an artist. Scroll slowly, take the time to enjoy them all.

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The artist...

...is a man who sketches with his mouth.

A wrestling accident left Doug Landis paralyzed from the neck down. His brother challenged him to continue his art using his mouth. He persevered until he did what any reasonable person would say could not be done. 

Do you complain about your limitations, the barriers that hinder your progress? Your challenges are trivial. Brush them aside and do what you know you can do.... 

And visit...
http://www.mouthart.com/mouthart/


Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., , Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Developing a Child's Brain - The Windows of Time

As I've mentioned elsewhere, the brain is a passionate interest of mine. One of the most fascinating issues is how people become smart: how brainpower is developed in a child's brain. While the science has been available in textbooks for over a decade, it hasn't been explained well for the general public, and very few adults know about it.

The simplified scientific explanation...

I like to use an architectural metaphor. Developing a child’s brain—her capacity to learn and function—is like building a house. If you lay down a bigger foundation, you can erect a bigger house on it.

And the opportunity to lay down a big foundation occurs during certain developmental “windows of time.” Once the window is closed, the foundation is set. After that, it’s all about house-building on the foundation you have.

The outer layer of the brain, called the cerebral cortex, coordinates perception, physical activity and higher-level thinking. Each of these vastly important functions is handled by different areas of the cortex. Perception is processed by back regions, physical activity is directed by a strip along the top of the cortex, language areas (both linguistic and artistic) are located in the temporal and frontal lobes, and higher-level thinking is handled by the prefrontal cortex—an area located directly behind the forehead.

In a child, each area of the cortex develops at different times, but each area of the cortex grows its network of brain cells the same way: (1) overproduction, (2) pruning, and (3) myelinization. These three phases happen during a limited period of time, during which the foundation is established. Thus, the boundaries of the child's potential are defined once and for all. If the foundation is small, it will be hard to build a big house on it.

During the first phase, overproduction, a frantic period of neuron (brain cell) growth takes place, in which the brain is stimulated to produce many times more cells than it will ever need. This gives that area of the brain enough neurons to set up a network to handle the input it receives.

How many brain cells survive depends on the demand for that function immediately after overproduction ceases. During the second stage—pruning—brain cells receive incoming signals and process them, while the unused cells die off. In order to see, hear, feel, move, associate and reason, the brain cells need to connect. If demand is intense, more brain cells will try to connect and a higher percentage of brain cells will survive.

If a child does not use certain brain cells during this development period, she loses them forever.

During the third stage, a myelin sheath covers the remaining neurons, creating a kind of insulation that greatly enhances cell-to-cell transmission speed. That’s when learned cognitive skills become powerful and easy.

After the foundation is set, the remaining system of brain cells can expand, not by growing new brain cells, but by interconnecting. As an individual tries to learn something new, filaments (dendrites) from existing brain cells are stimulated to reach out to other brain cells, creating new connections. This is the value of lifelong learning: it stimulates the growth of dendrites as long as the child (and eventually, the adult) is trying to master new skills and knowledge.

In summary, the greater the stimulation and learning during the initial phase, the more pathways will be possible later in life. After the foundation is in place, a child's basic mental structure is set, once and for all, except for the branching of dendrites within the existing network, which continues throughout life. The all-important question is, when do these time-windows open, and what should a concerned adult do to maximize the child’s cognitive development before they close?

Window #1 - Perception. If you’ve raised a child, you know that a newborn infant’s eyes may be open, but she can’t see anything clearly. She has to learn to see. The overproduction of perceptual neurons takes place while the child is still in the womb. Pruning begins on the first day of life. The child begins a furious process of learning how to see, hear, touch, taste—all the perceptual skills. This foundation learning and pruning takes place during the first six months of life. For maximal development during that time, a child needs a perception-rich environment—ongoing stimulation of all the senses.

Window #2 - Physical activity. The motor neurons also overproduce during gestation, but the window for basic learning and pruning of neurons takes place from 4-18 months. During this period, a variety of new physical challenges will stimulate growth and connection of motor neurons. The more the child does, the more diverse the challenges, the more extensively her foundation for physical capability will be.

Window #3 - Language and categorical thinking. The child learns language, along with the ability to name and categorize everything in her world. Overproduction of the language areas begins while a child is an infant, and pruning starts around the age of 18 months, ending at approximately age 5. During pruning, parents should communicate with a child extensively, giving good, thorough answers to all “what" and "why" questions. This is the time to build vocabulary and to introduce multiple languages. This foundation of linguistic skills will serve the child as she learns factual knowledge during the years before puberty.

Window #4 - Higher-level thinking. This is the last cognitive area to develop. During the onset of puberty, another period of pre-frontal brain cell overproduction begins. This can be an awkward, emotionally and rationally difficult time for a youth, because the areas of the brain needed for reasoning and understanding are disrupted. This is followed by a stage of learning-pruning which establishes the physical foundation for conceptual thinking. During this stage, teenagers need opportunities to solve problems and to seek answers to “major why” questions: scientific, social, cultural, philosophical, and intellectual. If family environment or social norms discourage this kind of discourse and learning, a child may waste this all-important developmental period forever. Ideally, the young person will be curious enough to exercise the conceptual areas of her brain as much as possible during the high school and college years. This developmental period, including myelinization of pathways, continues until the early 20s. After that, her baseline capacity for higher-level thinking and learning is set. During the rest of her life, she will use this foundation to continue specialized learning.

I believe that any adult involved in the raising or teaching of a child needs to understand these critical brain growth periods. Kids are ready for certain kinds of foundation learning at certain times. After these critical windows in time, the opportunities for foundation-building are over. She can continue to learn within the parameters of her limits, but her capacity will have been physically laid down in her brain once and for all. 

The learning of most children isn't guided by these insights. The adults around them have no concept of the developmental windows. So the kids grow into adults in a haphazard way, interacting with whatever environment is at hand. To examine the results, all we need to do is notice the diversity of intelligence in adults.

I strongly advise adults who want to give a child the maximum mental advantages for life to be conscious of these windows and make the most of them. In a way, nothing is more important than this. If you can imagine the behavior of an adult with limited brain power, you can appreciate how important it is to encourage the right kind of learning at the right times.
 
Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., , Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

My Guilty Pleasure - A Steak Sandwich

Recently I treated myself to a guilty pleasure that I allow myself only once or twice a year: a Steak Sandwich. It's not particularly healthy; but man is it delicious! Nothing fancy. I just slice some grilled steak and add thinly sliced onions, tomato and lettuce. I prefer toasted sourdough bread, coated with mayonnaise and horseradish.

When I married Kathleen, she didn’t make or eat sandwiches. For some reason, she didn’t consider them “real food.” After trying out some of my concoctions over the years, she'll eat sandwiches now. She even likes my steak sandwich, I think partially because I told her this story.

When I was 22, I had the opportunity to attend the Army’s Ranger School, where I learned the skills that probably saved my life in Vietnam. The experience was so physically and mentally demanding that I later thought combat was like a daily walk in the park. Except for getting shot at, of course.

During the Georgia mountain phase in late November, 1967, we were on a 13-day patrol. In a typical day we would navigate all day and all night up and down hills with thick underbrush, no matter what the weather, carrying 50-pound packs and weapons, and then attack an objective just before dawn. If we didn't get lost, there might be time for a couple hours of sleep, usually on the cold ground under a poncho curled up next to my Ranger buddy. Food was dropped by helicopter at prearranged coordinates; one day’s rations consisted of the equivalent of a can of beans, four crackers and a candy bar. It was a physical ordeal, and towards the end of that patrol, I discovered I was hallucinating.

You get the picture. We were deprived of all creature comforts. So when we had time to rest, guess what my buddies and I talked about. No, it was never about women or sex. The only thing we ever talked about was food—what we were going to eat once we were back home. Each of us described in detail a favorite food. When it was my turn, I described a steak sandwich. We did this over and over again in a kind of verbal ritual.

After graduating from Ranger School, the first thing I did was to find a restaurant in the Atlanta airport. Still in uniform, I walked up to the waitress and asked her if she could make me a steak sandwich. I described it to her exactly the way I had described it to my buddies so many times out in the boonies. "There's no steak sandwich on the menu," she said. But I gently reached out and touched her shoulder and told her it was important. She gave me a look, and then she disappeared into the kitchen. What she produced was exactly what I had imagined. I ate it with great relish.

On the plane I was served a hot meal, which I immediately consumed. I asked the stewardess if she had any more meals, and she brought me another. Flying was a lot different back then. I arrived in El Paso at midnight and was greeted by my wife, whom I hadn’t seen in three months. She said, “What are you up for?” I considered my options and said, “Let’s go get something to eat.” I ate a big breakfast at Denny’s. She didn’t seem that hungry, so I ate most of hers, too. The next morning, I ate another big breakfast. I had a lot of catching up to do in the food department.

Ever since, I've never been late for dinner. I'm blessed to be married to a beautiful woman who thinks cooking is a form of creativity and fun. But every now and then, I've just got to have my steak sandwich.


Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., , Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

SELF-CONFIDENCE: Frank Kern on "Right Mind"

Frank Kern has achieved "guru" status teaching people how to be successful internet marketers. His public persona is that of a brash "surfer dude," but professionally he is smart and leading-edge. In this brief clip he stresses the importance of being supremently confident about what you're doing. The confidence comes from knowing you're delivering something far more valuable than what it costs.

 

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., , Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

JACK CANFIELD - The Success Principles

For those of us who write, the story about how Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen turned the "Chicken Soup" books into a legendary success is great inspiration. In this five-minute video, Jack talks about the aspects of his life that contributed to his amazing success.



Also: Jack Canfield on optimism...

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., , Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

THOROUGHNESS – THE DEVIL IS IN THE DETAILS

Every now and then, while reading a book, I’ll come across a typo. It’s a rare thing, so I suppose I should give the publishers credit for attention to detail. Also, typos are relatively trivial compared to the content of the book. And I don’t claim to be the world’s greatest proofreader. Far from it. Still, it’s a big turn-off whenever I see a grammatical error or a misspelled word. It makes me wonder if there are other mistakes in the book.

So whenever my company publishes anything, we proofread it repeatedly. Does that mean we’re obsessive about details, or just thorough?

Back in 1972, when I was doing research for my dissertation on American fiction-writer John Cheever, I felt that I needed to read every story and every novel he had ever written—plus all the books and articles written about him. It wasn’t an overt requirement, but I felt that it would be a mistake to overlook any of his works. Fortunately, the Duke University library had a massive fiction collection; but they didn’t have Cheever’s first book of short stories, The Way Some People Live, published by Random House in 1943. So I ordered it from a rare book store.

When the book arrived, I was delighted that the dust jacket was still intact. I was surprised to see that the inside blurb referred to a story published in a magazine I hadn’t heard of before.  The magazine had published that one issue and then was discontinued. The Duke library didn’t have a copy, but they located one in the Harvard University library. Apparently, it was the only copy in existence. I felt that I had to read the story, so I traveled by car from Durham to Boston and presented my letter of credentials from Duke. They located the issue in their archives, and I made a copy of the story.

As a result of my fetish for details, I was certain that my bibliography was complete. Later, because the list was comprehensive, it was published. And nearly 40 years later my bibliography is still a standard reference for Cheever scholars.

INSIGHT

Detail by detail, your vision will become real.

My wife, Kathleen, used to be a commercial banker, and she developed a habit for doing “due diligence”—about nearly everything. Every time we travel away from home she creates a folder packed with information about the airline, rental car, hotel, interesting venues and routes of travel. It’s all there, courtesy of the internet. It’s amazing how trouble-free our trips are!

She’s also the document reader in the family. Before we bought our home in the Texas Hill Country, she studied the land survey and discovered that a small part of the driveway was inside the county easement. Further checking revealed that the county had the authority to make us move the driveway at some future date. It was unlikely that this would happen, but there it was—an unpleasant possibility. So she got the contractor to obtain an exception from the county. End of worries.

Her desire to do background research paid off well back in the stock market boom of the late 1990s. One day I purchased a highly-touted tech stock because its price was climbing rapidly. Concerned, Kathleen obtained and studied documents about the company. What she learned was that the structure was so convoluted that she couldn’t tell who owned it or how they would make money. Faced with these facts, we decided to sell the stock at a profit. Several months later, the company collapsed and the stock lost 99% of its value.

A success for us, but several years later I met a man who lost a lot of money by hanging on to that stock. The lesson: do your homework. You can’t control what you don’t understand. If something has the potential to do you harm, you’d better check it out. It’s usually not easy to get all the facts, but you should make the effort, even if you have to work to get them—and use what you learn to make your decision. That way, you won’t be taken by surprise. You don’t want to be blind-sided by dangers you assume aren’t there.

YOUR ACTION ASSIGNMENT

The best way to ingrain the lessons of thoroughness is to be thorough. I recommend this exercise:

1.    The next time you’re about to purchase something that costs more than $100, gather data for at least four options.
2.    Get detailed information about capabilities, features and costs. Be thorough.
3.    Arrange the information in a matrix to facilitate a comparison.
4.    Include qualitative or subjective considerations.
5.    Compare the options and make your decision.
 

*     *     *

Consider the facts, for they will prove your opinions.

“Genius is the capacity for taking infinite pains.” - Thomas Carlyle 

"Beware of the man who won't be bothered with details." - William Feather


THOROUGHNESS - Why the Compassion of 10 Missionaries Went Wrong

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., , Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

PATIENCE: Peace of Mind in an Unpredictable World

I don't just talk about it and write about it. I also do it. Over the years, I've worked on improving specific personal strengths. Not because I'm some kind of saint, but because I've been the recipient of relentless feedback from my wife and business partners.

My big success story has to do with patience.

Several months ago, I was on the way to the grocery store when I got stuck behind a car going 30 mph in a 45 mph zone. I looked in the rear-view mirror, and the car behind me was uncomfortably close. I could have honked or flashed my lights. Or I could have tried passing, but there was a lot of traffic and it seemed unsafe. The store was only three miles away, so I just followed along.

Going down a row in the store parking lot, I saw that the car ahead of me had stopped completely. I waited for him to move, but I quickly realized that instead of finding a spot in a less crowded area, he was camped out, waiting for someone to return to his car. I had no idea how long he would do this. I could have risked backing up against the flow of traffic, or I could have honked my horn. I waited four or five minutes until a spot opened up and I was able to pass.

Inside the store, I wheeled my cart along the dairy aisle. An old lady was standing next to her cart in the middle of the aisle, making it impossible to pass. I stopped my cart short of hers, but she didn't seem to notice me. I waited a minute while she gazed up at the shelves. She appeared bewildered at all the choices. I said in my gentlest voice, "Excuse me, may I pass?" She seemed surprised. I smiled and thanked her as she maneuvered her cart to one side.

On my list was "candied ginger." I wouldn't know candied ginger if I saw it, but I knew that if I could find some and bring it home, my wife would use it to make something wonderful. I asked the first employee I saw, a young man: "Can you tell me where to find candied ginger?" We made the tour of the store. "Well, it should be over here..." Finally I suggested that if he didn't know where it was, perhaps someone else might know. So he found his supervisor, who took me right to it. Maybe the young man should have done that in the first place, but he seemed new and he was eager to please.

At the cash register, a customer seemed to be having trouble making payment. Maybe it was an equipment malfunction or maybe his card wasn't reading properly. I couldn't tell. The lady in front of me rolled her eyes and turned away with a sour look. This trip to the store was taking a lot longer than I thought it would. Standing by my cart, I began thinking about my outline for some content I'm writing.

By the time I left the store with my purchases, it was pouring down rain. Great. I didn't know rain was in the forecast, so I hadn't brought an umbrella. I looked at the sky; I guessed (hoped) it was a passing shower. I was right. In a few minutes, only very light rain was falling and I walked to my car.

On the way home, I thought to myself: I'm getting better at this patience stuff.  

There are many dimensions to patience: waiting for the right time to act, knowing when not to do or say anything, and tolerating behavior that might otherwise be irritating. In my own struggles with patience, I’ve learned something important. When somebody falls short of my needs and expectations, I could easily get upset. 

But if I'm truly honest with myself, I have to acknowledge that in almost every case, at some point in my life I’ve done practically the same thing. I’m not perfect and neither is anyone else. Even with good intentions, people sometimes do weird things. When it’s my turn to be weird, I hope people will understand, forgive and be patient.

This humbling thought has brought me peace of mind and steered me clear of conflict in more situations than I can remember.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., , Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

COMPASSION - "Pay It Forward" Will Break My Heart Again

I love movies, and I have a DVD collection of favorites. I invest in a DVD when I love a movie so much that I know I'll want to watch it again at least three times in the future.

It's been five years, so tonight I'm watching "Pay It Forward" with Kevin Spacey, Helen Hunt and Haley Joel Osmont. For the fourth time. I'll watch this one alone. My wife Kathleen says she can't watch it because it breaks her heart. It breaks my heart, too, from beginning to end, but I have to watch it. This movie recalibrates and recharges my heart. 

If you've seen it, you know it's about compassion. I believe compassion is a form of personal strength, because it’s not always so easy to sense the needs, feelings and distress of others when you have your own burdens. Disappointment, pain and loss have a way of focusing your mind inwardly.

Also, people are remarkably different from each other, which makes communication, understanding and tolerance difficult. In most cases, other people's troubles are different from yours; and you don't know what these troubles are, which makes it hard to appreciate their situation. Imperfect people act imperfectly. Sometimes they're thoughtless or careless, and the instinctive reaction is not a compassionate one. It’s hard to keep in mind that this is just another human being struggling with life and feeling pain just as you do.

Much has been said about compassion. I checked my database of quotes, and I'm reminded that during the last 2,500 years, more people have had something to say about this topic than any other, or so it seems.

Here are a few of my favorites:

"We can do no great things; only small things with great love." - Mother Teresa, Indian humanitarian (1910-1997) 

“Even when you’re really needy, you’ve got to give more than you receive.” - Christopher Reeve, American actor (1952-2004)

"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." - Dalai Lama, Tibetan religious leader (1935- )

"If we want a love message to be heard, it has to be sent out. To keep a lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it." - Mother Teresa, Indian humanitarian (1910-1997)

"Be generous! Give to those you love; give to those who love you; give to the fortunate; give to the unfortunate - yes, give especially to those you don't want to give to. You will receive abundance for your giving." - W. Clement Stone, American businessman (1902-2002)

If you've never seen "Pay it Forward," or even if you have, I highly recommend watching it. Even if you think it might break your heart. 

* * * * *

Obviously, the idea of "pay it forward" hasn't taken over the world, but these sites may be of interest:
Pay It Forward Foundation
Pay It Forward Movement

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., , Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

One Extra Degree of Effort Makes the Difference

This inspiring three-minute video is ON-TARGET. Better than a dose of 5-hour Energy!



Usually the more worthwhile the goal, the harder it is to achieve. This is a great reminder for us to make the effort that will make the difference. I love the way it concludes by emphasizing key personal strengths.

Here's to you. Here's to your goal. I hope this video helps!

Evan Lysacek - A Good Affirmation and a Gold Medal

In the February 19th San Antonio Express-News sports section, the headline read, "Evan Almighty." American Evan Lysacek edged Russian Evgeni Plushenko for the Olympic gold medal in men's figure skating. Woo-hoo!

To me the interesting thing about his performance was his use of an affirmation to correct his fretting attitude. In the AP article by Nancy Armour, he said he struggled during his preparations for the Olympics, but he had to put that behind him somehow. "I've had to shove all those thoughts out of my head, and my thought process was just 'mind your own business.' I wrote that on a little card when I got here and taped it up in my room. Mind your own business, worry about what I have to do and what my job is."

And apparently, it helped.

Most sports psychologists recommend affirmations and visualization to enhance the performance their athlete clients. Yes, these are mental strategies. But thoughts guide our actions. And thoughts can affect feelings, which in turn affect our actions.

Affirmations can help you, too. This is the reason I sometimes include Fortune Cookies in my blog. And the Strength Journeys that are included in the weekly Golden Eggs ezine convey several affirmations in every meditation.

Affirmations can help, if they are true. 

In my opinion, it's not enough to be positive. The problem is, not every affirmation you come across on the web is "fit for human consumption." I sometimes see affirmations that while positive, are potentially untrue or unrealistic.

For example, "The world is conspiring to fill my bank account with wealth." Uh, probably not.

Another: "Women find me very sexy." that would be nice. But is it really true?

And this one: "I possess all the resources I need to successfully accomplish my goals." Maybe this statement is true. But maybe it's not. It depends on the facts. Thinking it won't make it so. 

If an affirmation isn't true, there are two problems. First, if you're hoping that repeating a false affirmation to yourself will lead to the results you desire, you'll probably be disappointed. The world doesn't work that way. In real world, cause and effect rule. You have to do the work

A greater danger is that trying to believe something that you know isn't true can cause what psychologists call "cognitive dissonance," which means that the brain struggles with conflicting input - the untrue affirmation statement vs. your knowledge of the truth. The conflict can lead to psychological problems and inappropriate behavior.

Good affirmations describe positives that are likely to be true and real. For example, "I can examine both the upsides and the downsides before deciding." Or, "I can get more done more quickly by using the talents of the people around me." Yet another: "I can follow through and deliver on my promises."

So be selective! Be careful to use "good affirmations," that is, affirmations that are grounded in reality.

Here's a well-grounded Fortune Cookie for you:

Don’t waste time on regret, and you’ll have more time for what’s happening right now.

The story behind the Fortune Cookies...

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., , Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Get It On - Frostie Dancing to Ray Charles Hit

Even serious bloggers and life-long learners need to take a break, groove and recharge the batteries. Get it on with Frostie, a cockatoo who really understands what rhythm and blues are all about. 





Enjoy, and have a great day!

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Building Personal Strength.

The Tiger Woods Apology - Repairing a Failure of Integrity

No doubt half the planet has viewed the recording of Tiger Woods' public apology. I've already seen some cynical and hostile reactions to his press conference. Maybe a lot of people are still angry and feel that his statement was insincere. I'm not one of them. 

I think, what else was he supposed to do, under the circumstances?  it's hard for people to understand what it's like to be Tiger Woods, who is perhaps the most famous man on planet Earth. And after a decade of domination on the golf course, he no longer seemed like an ordinary man. He seemed like a hero. But he is an ordinary man. And he's not a hero. He's a superb athlete who has a mixture of strengths and weaknesses just like you and me and everyone else.

And now he's made the kind of mistake that a huge percentage of ordinary men have already made: he cheated on his wife. And oh, my brothers and sisters, it was a costly mistake!

He appears to be doing everything he can to repair the damage to himself, his family, his reputation, and his enterprises. But how does a golf legend billionaire do that? He's an ordinary man who isn't allowed to act like an ordinary man. When he apologizes, he has to do it in front on camera, so that billions of people can watch. Those who think of him as an icon believe that his personal life is "public property," so they expect access to the details and won't be satisfied with his desire for privacy. They want more. They'll continue to criticize him, sometimes brutally.

But I'm not one of them. I've already had my say about why he did what he did and what the consequences will be. The damages came in many forms, but they all boil down to one thing: a loss of trust. Trust is what you earn when you consistently act with integrity. However, trust is lost in an instant, the moment people find out you betrayed them. 

Here's what some great minds have said about integrity:

"Wrong is wrong, no matter who does it or who says it." - Malcolm X, American political leader (1925-1965) 

“Nobody can ever take your integrity away from you. Only you can give up your integrity.” - H. Norman Schwarzkopf, American general (1934- ) 

"Whenever you do a thing, act as if all the world were watching." - Thomas Jefferson, American president (1743-1826) 

“A promise must never be broken.” - Alexander Hamilton, American politician (1755-1804) 

"Nothing is more powerful than an individual acting out of his conscience." - Norman Cousins, American publisher (1915-1990) 

“As I grow older I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.” - Andrew Carnegie, American business leader (1835-1919)

"It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you'll do things differently." - Warren Buffet, American business leader (1930- )

 In the end, talk is cheap. We've heard what Tiger Woods had to say. “The real apology will not come from words. It will come from my behavior,” he said. So let's see what he does in the months ahead, and grant him forgiveness - or more condemnation - accordingly.
 
Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., , Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Grandparents - A Love Story

Kathleen and I are making plans to go to Corpus Christi to visit her sister, Jane, and her husband, Charlie. Since their oldest daughter had a baby girl two years ago, they've been thrilled to be grandparents. And it appears that before long, they will be grandparents again. There's a lot of love going on there.

Love is what it's all about. But this kind of love isn't automatic.

As a youth I was an "Army brat," so I moved from place to place and didn’t get to spend much time with my grandparents. My grandfather on my mother's side was a foreman at a Kennicott open-pit copper mine in Nevada. In 1954, when I was nine, my family, which included five children at the time, piled into our 1951 Mercury and drove from Missouri to Nevada for one of our rare visits.

Ely was a small Mormon town. Back then none of the streets were paved and the main street looked exactly like a town out of a western movie. The businesses on both sides of the street had wooden porches and swinging doors. I was a Cub Scout and collected coins, so I was impressed that everyone in Ely spent silver dollars.

The first morning, my grandfather gave me a bowl of oatmeal. “Eat up. It’ll give you muscles,” he said, flexing his biceps. As I ate the tasteless porridge, he told me this story:

Your mother's very special to me, you know. I’m a righteous man today because of her. When she was a baby, we lived in a cabin in the country. We had no car, and we had to walk everywhere. Back then I drank alcohol. There was an awful winter night, three feet of snow had piled up, and I had too much to drink. I reached for my glass and knocked the iron off the ironing board, and it fell on little Beatrice, who was crawling on the floor. I left the house to find a doctor and before long, I was lost. I knew that if I didn’t find my way, I would die and your momma would die. I cried and prayed to the Lord to help me. I told Him that if He would help me save little Beatrice, I would give up drink and dedicate the rest of my life to the work of God. I pressed on and found the doctor. We got your momma fixed up, she grew up to be a beautiful woman, and I've dedicated my life to the Lord ever since.

Afterwards, Grandpa took Mom and me to see the mine. We got out of the car, and I followed them to the edge of a panorama that took my breath away. We stood before a man-made pit that was about a mile across. Huge earthmovers several hundred feet below us, almost too small to see, were busy scooping and loading dirt. I didn't want to join them on the edge of the precipice. There was no railing. What if we fell off? What if the earth gave way beneath us? My body shook with fear as I went to them. They held my hands.

I loved my grandfather.

Sunday the family went to services in one of the two Mormon churches. These were the largest buildings in town, constructed in the architecture of the early pioneers. It seemed as if the whole community showed up for Sunday School. In Missouri, our church services never had more than 20 people. Here, the authority of the church was pervasive, palpable.

Mom was the eighth of sixteen children, and three of my aunts were still living at home. The youngest, Janey, two years older than I, was bigger, stronger and wiser. One morning, she and I were playing in the living room. Our contest reached a physical stage and she grabbed me from behind. I turned hard to free myself and she fell to the floor. In one motion, my grandmother leaned forward, lifted her massive weight out of her chair and slapped me as hard as she could across my face.

“You don’t shove girls,” she said with a frown, and fell back into her chair.

I was on the floor, the left side of my face hot and stinging. Surprised and stunned, I struggled to keep from crying. "We were just playing. I didn't hurt her," I said.

She gave me a cold look. She didn't appreciate this challenge to her authority. "I don't care. Don't ever do it again."

I turned my head towards the living room window, a blaze of white light. I didn't want to look at my grandmother's face, and I didn't look at her again during that visit. When the family left, I didn't say goodbye to her, and we never returned to Ely. I never saw my grandmother again, and I never again thought of her with affection. It was as if a small flame in my little-boy-heart had been blown out by a winter wind, extinguished forever.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., , Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .