Are You a Coach? 5 Reality Checks...

Someone asked me recently if I had anything to tell coaches—executive coaches, business coaches, life coaches, athletic coaches, managers, and parents—anyone whose role it is to help others perform better. I've been studying the neuroscience related to learning and behavior change for 25 years, and I've learned a number of crucial insights that, in my experience, are not common knowledge among coaches. For anyone who is truly interested in helping others make lasting changes in their behavior to get better results, here are five facts that are hard to ignore.

1. Knowing what to do is not the same as doing it. Even if you have given good advice, even if your clients agree with you and are strongly motivated strongly motivated to follow it—none of this means that they will start behaving this way. It’s because most situations in life don't allow for reflection and conscious decision-making. In the flow of performing or in a busy workplace, things often happen so fast that there’s little time to consider options. Most of the time, deeply ingrained habits kick in. People do things the way they usually do them—without thinking. If you want clients to consistently do something differently, they’ll need to ingrain your recommendations as a new habit.

2. It takes a lot of repetitions to rewire the brain for a new habit or skill. This is because ingrained skills and behavior patterns are triggered by neural pathways—interconnected brain cells related to the behavior. When any behavior is repeated often enough over time, the brain cells involved in the action will be stimulated to grow together. Once all the brain cells are interconnected, the habit will be ingrained. Only then will the new behavior pattern kick in automatically.

NOTE: This is true of positive, desired behavior patterns AND negative patterns such as bad habits. The brain doesn't know the difference. This is simply how the brain  works.

3. Most people get discouraged and quit before they can rewire their brains. Because the new way isn't a habit yet, at first your clients will often forget to do it. Instead, the old habits will kick in. Even if your clients make a conscious effort, in the early stages their effort will be unpracticed and feel awkward. These failures are an inevitable part of the behavior change process and can be quite discouraging. The disappointment clients feel is what I call “the crunch point." Many of them conclude that what you’re asking them to do doesn’t feel right and may not work for them. So they give up trying and fall back on what's comfortable. However, if they persist, eventually their success rate will improve as the new skill begins to wire itself. Then the skill will get easier and ultimately, the new pattern will become the default way of behaving. The effort to rewire the brain to improve a behavior pattern can take from three weeks to three years, depending on the complexity of the old pattern and how long it has been ingrained.

4. It's hard for anyone to make it through the rewiring process without coaching. It makes a big difference to have someone who cares enough about your clients’ success to give feedback, coaching, encouragement and accountability. This is the real reason they need you—to be there over the long haul to help them work through the crunch point and ingrain the new behaviors.

5. Core strength is always a component of success. Even if a client ingrains a new habit, without personal strengths and strong people skills the new behavior pattern may not be enough to bring success. Adversity is a fact of life; without patterns of personal strength, skill alone probably won't be enough to prevail. And nearly everything we do involves others. Being a skilled communicator is worth its weight in gold. So your client needs to be strong in these ways, too.

If you're in it for the long haul, you might be interested in this new coaching support technology.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2012. Building Personal Strength .

Remembering Two Heroes - One Long Dead, One Alive

One of the themes that runs through most of the blog posts here is this: Life is challenging, and it takes a strong person to do the hard things.

Recently I spent time remembering my time in Vietnam. The vast majority of my West Point classmates served in combat there. They faced challenges that most people can't even imagine. They had to do hard things.

I served in an area of Vietnam known as III Corps, which is the central part of that country. I wasn't assigned to an American combat unit. I commanded a mobile advisory team. Our job was to upgrade the combat capabilities of the Vietnamese Regional Force and Popular Force units around the town of Cu Chi. We lived and worked in the same villages where these soldiers lived.

I remember advising a Vietnamese captain and his unit one day on a mission to engage a Viet Cong unit that was known to be in our area. Sure enough, when we arrived at the location, we were taken under fire. The enemy was in a grove of trees on the other side of a swamp. I decided that the best way to engage them was with a gunship. I contacted the operation center by radio and requested air support.

AH-1 Cobra attack helicopter

About fifteen minutes later, the aircraft arrived. It was an AH-1 Cobra attack helicopter. I marked my position with a smoke grenade and gave the pilot a vector to the enemy location. He fired several rockets and his minigun into the area. This effectively silenced the Viet Cong's attack on us.

I didn't know it then, but two of my West Point classmates were serving as Cobra gunship pilots in Vietnam at the time I was there.

Richard C. Hulse

One was Rich Hulse. Rich and I were friends all four years at West Point. We saw each other nearly every day and attended many classes together. The sad thing about Rich was that during his final month, just before graduation, he admitted to the authorities that he had gotten married. On the one hand, I found it hard to believe that he couldn't wait until after graduation to marry his sweetheart. Cadets aren't allowed to be married, and they have to sign a statement that they aren't married each time they return from a pass or leave. Rich didn't want to lie about it; he didn't want to violate the Honor Code. So he turned himself in, and they dismissed him from the Academy just days before graduation. So he didn't graduate with us. It was tragic.

But I respected him for having the strength of character to do the right thing. It cost him his degree and his Regular Army commission, after all those difficult years. But he kept his honor.

He became an enlisted soldier, but was soon accepted into Officer Candidate School and became an Army Reserve second lieutenant. Then he went to flight school and learned to fly the Cobra. Soon afterward, he was sent to Vietnam.

In 1970 his aircraft was shot down and he was killed in the crash. Rich Hulse was a man of character and courage. He did hard things and gave his life in service to our country, and I think of him as a hero.

The other classmate who flew Cobra gunships while I was there was Woody Spring. Woody and I knew each other as cadets. He competed on the varsity gymnastics team. He went to Vietnam right after graduation, serving in the 101st Airborne Division. Then he went to flight school and served a second tour in Vietnam as a Cobra pilot.

Sherwood (Woody) Spring

This was a side of Woody that I didn't know. He was fearless. Looking back on my combat experience I believe the most heroic among us were the helicopter pilots. Whether gunship pilots or medical evacuation pilots, their job was to show up at the most dangerous moments. No matter what was happening on the ground, they came through for us. All these pilots were amazing heroes.

Woody survived his tour and eventually got trained as a test pilot. Amazingly, after that he was accepted into the NASA astronaut program. In 1985 he rode the space shuttle into earth orbit, where he launched three satellites during 12 hours of EVA space walks.

So Woody did a lot of hard things, too. He's another of my heroes.

Since graduation in 1967, our life journeys have diverged considerably and I never saw either Rich or Woody again, even though unknown to any of us we were busy fighting the Viet Cong at roughly the same time during 1969-1970 in Vietnam.

Today, there are young people who are still doing hard things and getting stronger for it. They'll be the achievers and leaders of the future. Some of them may even become true heroes.

However, in deference to the truth, most kids these days are involved in nonsense and being cool and taking the easy way out whenever possible. They have no clue what honor is. It's hard to say what their life journeys will be like.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2013. Building Personal Strength .

A Simple Quiz Reveals an Amazing Fact of Human Nature

A brief quiz...

Which will make the biggest difference for you to get what you want in your work and personal life?




A. What you look like - physical attractiveness, wardrobe, etc.











B. Who you are - Knowledge, skill, experience, wisdom, health & fitness






Did you pick B? I bet you did. "A" is really nice if you can make it happen, but where the rubber meets the road it won't get you very far, not even in your relationships.

Yes, "B" is where the action is, and you know it. BY FAR, most people pick B.

But you know what's amazing? When it comes to investing in themselves, most people spend much, much more time, personal energy and money on "A," trying to improve their personal appearance, than they do on "B," getting stronger as individuals.

Maybe it's human nature to know the truth but avoid doing the hard things.

It's easy to get your nails done. It's hard to lose 25 pounds.

It's delightful to indulge in your favorite guilty pleasure. Changing a bad habit can seem frustrating and even painful.

It's fun to shop for bling. Mastering a new skill or area of knowledge takes long-term commitment.

Of course all people aren't like this. There are always the notable exceptions - lifelong learners, people who work on personal development, people who are so motivated to achieve their goals that they work on preparing themselves to make it happen.

What about you? Are you one of these notable exceptions?

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2013. Building Personal Strength .

Adolescent Rites of Passage - Something of Monumental Importance Has Been Lost

I've been reading about traditional and modern rites of passage. So far, the two most helpful books have been Crossroads: The Quest for Contemporary Rites of Passage, ed. Louise Carus Mahdi, et al (1996); and From Boys to Men: Spiritual Rites of Passage in an Indulgent Age, by Bret Stephenson (2006).

A consistent theme: Long ago, "primitive" cultures evolved effective initiation rites to guide young people from childhood to adulthood. Modern adolescents feel the same powerful need to break away from childhood, prove themselves, find their identity, and be acknowledged by and accepted into the adult community. But traditional rites of passage have for the most part been diluted or discarded, and most young people are left to find their own way, often with disastrous results.

My reading has caused me to reflect on what happened to me during my own adolescence. My conclusion: I had amazing luck in the rites of passage department.

• At age 13, I earned the rank of Eagle Scout after two years of hard work.
• At age 14 in the Explorer Scouts I experienced the "Order of the Arrow' initiation ritual.
• At age 15 my father was assigned to Germany. Our family was on a waiting list for housing, and I had to take his place to help my mother control my six younger brothers and sisters for six months until we could join my father.
• At age 18, after 12 years at the top of my class, I gave the valedictory address at my high school graduation.
• At age 18, I survived the West Point summer "Beast Barracks" training and was accepted into the Corps of Cadets.
• At age 19, I was "recognized" at the end of "Plebe" year and became an upperclassman.
• At age 22 I graduated from West Point and was commissioned a second lieutenant in the a Regular Army.
• At age 22 I was married in a Mormon temple with my grandfather officiating.
• At age 22 I successfully completed the Army Ranger School.

Each of these rites of passage required that I accept a "call to adventure" and survive an ordeal, a test to prove myself. After successful completion I was recognized by my community in a way that made me feel I had arrived at a new level in my life. In other words, I was involved in several structured processes that helped me develop personal strengths that would empower me throughout my life and careers -and be recognized for doing so!

Nine of them! How lucky is that?

One of my most intense ordeals happened soon after my adolescence. As a young captain I served in Vietnam as an advisor to Vietnamese infantry units. During that year I participated in over 200 combat missions. I was given several awards for valor and service, but at the end the acknowledgement and acceptance back into my community was non-existent. Instead there was confusion and alienation. I remember an incident during my graduate studies at Duke University when an enlightened coed called me a "baby killer." So my service in Vietnam never became a true rite of passage.

And it wasn't a rite of passage experience for the three dozen of my West Point classmates who died on the battlefield. And soldiers returning from combat tours in Iraq and Afghanistan aren't made to experience developmental rites of passage either - a huge opportunity wasted.

Young people will always need to be challenged, tested, guided and accepted in a powerful way in order for them to define who they are and feel they've put childhood behind them. But modern culture has abandoned the old structures without replacing them. Gangs, high society, and college fraternities and sororities have their initiation rituals, but these are pathetic remnants of ancient traditions. It's a tragic, mostly unrecognized shortfall that has left our youth adrift.

The consequences of teens trying to find their own way towards being adults - unwed teen mothers, gangs, crime, substance abuse, and suicide. And yes, middle-aged offspring who still live at home and who have never become adults.

Given that the rituals that served ancient and primitive cultures are inappropriate for our time, is there a way to recreate effective rites of passage for today's youth that are appropriate for modern life? It's something I think about a lot these days.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2013. Building Personal Strength .

Old-School Take on New-Tech Social Networking Shiny Objects

My wife's smart phone started to crater after 2 years of pounding use, so she got a new, more advanced one. And one just like it for me!

Great. I hadn't figured out how to use the old one yet.

But I was trying to figure out this new one and wow! The look and feel and features are dazzling!

And that's the way it is with digital technology. To compete, the wow-factor has to continue to upgrade itself. Wow and more wow. Shinier and shinier wow.

I remember when Facebook first came out, that was WOW. Since then it has upgraded with even shinier wow and I guess there are still people on the planet who are still discovering it and thinking: WOW.

But after a while, you start to see through the WOW and realize that more is actually less. Too many options, too many people you never heard of wanting to "friend" you, too many posts of trivial details, too many comments that say absolutely nothing.

I've "followed" lots of people I know, and it leaves me with an empty feeling. Not much shared or learned. Only superficial stuff. Little of value added to the friendship. Sometimes it seems that we are slowly growing apart instead of hanging together. You know, "Is this all there is?"

I've read that lots of people are becoming disinterested in Facebook, even disconnecting. The wow stopped working for them when the shine wore off and they saw it for what it is.

The bottom line: Facebook, with all its bells and whistles, is a LAME, INADEQUATE SUBSTITUTE for being there with a friend, for actually relating to other human beings. Maybe the base market for Facebook is for people who prefer the shallowness, who prefer to keep their distance.

My No. 1 hot social networking medium - FACE-TO-FACE IN-PERSON CONTACT. Physically being there for the total reality experience, including hugs you can feel, not some stupid icon substitute. After nearly 70 years, I still feel the WOW of actually BEING THERE. It's truly addictive.

My No. 2 hot social networking medium - a phone conversation. No typing. I get the actual tone of voice with the content. And the back-and-forth replies are immediate. The interchange can go on and on. WOW.

All these other shiny tech objects are dull by comparison.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2013. Building Personal Strength .