Zombies and Personal Decision Making

You have four ways of moving to action...

1. You do what other people tell you to do. Boss. Friend. Parent. Spouse. Your TV set.

2. You react instinctively, emotionally.

3. You unconsciously act out of habit. Your brain is wired for a particular behavior pattern.

4. You consciously evaluate your situation and your options and decide what to do.

If you aren't aware of why you're doing things, you're out of control.

There are good habits. There are bad habits.

There are good decisions. There are bad decisions.

If you aren't trying to improve your habits, if you acquire habits without thought and do things that are to your own detriment or the detriment of others, you're out of control.

When consciously making decisions, if you aren't carefully evaluating your options, you're out of control.

All actions have consequences. Some small. Some big. Some huge.

These consequences show up, impact your life and cause you to take more action. If you aren't aware of the role of your actions in a chain of events, you're life is out of control.

The truth is not many people think about why they do things. It's as if they're not accepting responsibility, not in charge of their own lives. Moving around in space but not fully alive. Like zombies.

How about you? Are you in control?

Are you aware of how and why you do things?

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2014. Building Personal Strength .

Want More Good Luck? Some Helpful Advice...

Often when I look over at my wife, Kathleen, I think: How lucky I am to be sharing my life with her. I can no longer imagine living without her.

And when I think realistically about it, luck had a lot to do with our being together. How we met, fell in love and eventually got married was a chain of events that began with an incident that turns out to be one of the luckiest things that ever happened to me.

It began over 20 years ago, when I was busy speaking and consulting. I got a call from a friend who was working for a large consulting firm.

“An association of retired CEOs is chartering a cruise ship,” he said. “They want to travel around the Caribbean for nine days combining fun and education. They want us to do a program, but they don’t want to pay for it. My company is passing. Do you want the gig? You’ll only have to present for an hour. Other than that, just enjoy the cruise. And you’ll meet people who could bring you some business.”

This wasn't an easy choice for me. I'd be away from work for ten days, and I'd receive no fee. There was a possible quid pro quo - I might meet a few well-connected former executives who could eventually bring me some business. After a long, uncomfortable pause, my intuition told me to go for it. “Count me in,” I said.

Well, it was a memorable cruise, and they liked my program. I met quite a few highly successful businessmen, and one of them later became a friend and mentor. We helped each other on several projects over the years.

In 1991, my friend asked me to give a consultation to a banker who was advising one of his business interests. The banker was Kathleen. She found my coaching valuable and in return offered to give me a “best of Miami” tour that Saturday. We became friends. We stayed in touch, and five years later we got married.

So, if I had said “no” to this no-fee opportunity, I wouldn’t have met my mentor, he wouldn't have introduced me to Kathleen, and we wouldn't be married today.

It was one of those decision points that have the potential to change one’s life in a big way. Life works this way sometimes — a sobering thought.

It was a momentous decision, and a lucky one. This is not the only lucky thing that's happened to me in my life. I could name a dozen more. Remembering this chain of events caused me to reflect on luck. Because "luck," whatever it is, does seem to play a part in our lives. Good luck. Bad luck.

Some thoughts...

Luck is when something significant happens, and the cause is external to you. You had no control over what happened. For example, in Vietnam I was on a patrol when a soldier in our group stepped on a booby-trap mine. It killed him instantly, and it seriously wounded the guy in front of me and the guy behind me. I was untouched. I'm writing this piece right now because I was lucky that day. It's a huge deal, but I had no control over what happened.

So you can't make good luck happen. You can't go out looking for it, hoping you'll be favored with it.

Also, you can't always tell when something lucky is happening to you. You can't always foresee the consequences or how momentous they may be. My story about how I met Kathleen is a good example.

In order to enjoy the benefits of good luck, you have to follow through. You have to make the most of whatever situation the "lucky" event put you in. So once the good luck door is open, you have to walk through it.

And because you rarely know when the "good luck door" is open, in order to reap the benefits of lucky happenings you need to always exercise your best judgment, skills and personal strength. In other words, you need to bring your best to every situation. Otherwise, something potentially momentous may happen to you, but you could do the wrong thing, go down a different path and never experience the chain of consequences that leads to the benefit. In other words, good luck can turn into bad luck if you aren't the kind of person who gives life your best shot every day.

So when someone says to you, "Good luck!" you know that person cares about you. But you need to get real. You've got work to do if you want to walk through some doors that you don't even know are open.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2012. Building Personal Strength .

On Judgment - What John W. Gardner Told Me about Leadership

John W. Gardner

Perhaps no writer on leadership has made a greater contribution to American life than John W. Gardner (1912-2002). I learned about him through his books, Excellence (1961), Self-Renewal (1964), In Common Cause (1972), On Leadership (1990) and others. He was Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare during the Lyndon Johnson administration, and he founded the "Common Cause" organization and the "White House Fellowship" program. And these were only a few of his accomplishments.

In 1979 I was a finalist in the White House Fellowship program. I wasn't one of the lucky ones ultimately chosen, but during the selection process it was my was good fortune to sit next to John Gardner during lunch. We engaged in pleasant small talk, but realizing that my one-on-one time with him would be brief, I cut to the chase with this question:

"Mr. Gardner, in your opinion what is the most important attribute of a leader?"

He paused a couple beats, then said: "Judgment."

His answer surprised me. I expected him to say something like vision, courage or creativity.

"Why do you think judgment is so important?" I asked.

"Because a leader is at the center of decision-making. And each time a decision is made, actions and consequences follow, which become the future. If a leader's judgment is flawed, the consequences can be horrible. For everyone."

It was an authoritative answer, the kind that required no follow up and inspired no rebuttal. I was a major in the U.S. Army at the time, and I thought of myself as a leader. I studied leadership and practiced what I learned. I wondered if I had good judgment. I knew that good judgment isn't in the genes; we aren't born with it. We acquire it through experience without thinking about it. I wondered if it were possible for a mature adult to consciously develop greater powers of judgment, and if so, how. These questions caused my mind to race. In fact, I don't remember anything else about that conversation.

That was over 30 years ago. I understand a lot more about judgment today than I did then.

For example, I've learned which part of the brain performs the mental operation we call "judgment." It's the prefrontal cortex - the lobe area right behind the forehead. That's the part of the brain that "connects the dots." It associates facts and data to create comprehension and meaning. It relates cause and effect, which allows us to envision future events. It's often called the "executive" part of the brain, because it coordinates functions such as evaluation, logic, intuition, creativity, problem solving, decision making, planning, organizing and managing. Important stuff! In fact, these abilities, along with language, are what make us so much smarter than other animals.

Also, I've learned that this is the last part of the brain to develop itself, a process that begins at puberty and continues throughout adolescence. At the onset, countless dendrites blossom from every brain cell, jamming the prefrontal cortex with unconnected wiring. This is why judgment is so hard for teens; it's like pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. But as a young person makes the effort, the prefrontal cortex steadily wires itself. At the end of that twelve-year period, the developmental window closes and all the dendrites that weren't used regularly are absorbed by the body, leaving one's foundation for judgment. Whether that foundation is minimal or robust depends on how much critical thinking the adolescent exercised.

As an adult, you can continue to improve your powers of judgment by exercising them. This causes more dendrites to connect with the wiring already in place. This means there are limits to how much you can improve your judgment. You can't build a huge edifice on a tiny foundation. The bottom line - those teen years are awfully important!

I wish I could have explained all this to Mr. Gardner. I'm sure he knew that judgment was something that happened in the brain and would have loved knowing the brain science explanation.

But even brain scientists didn't know about this back in 1979.

On the other hand, you and I know about it today. It's very empowering information. Maybe you can use this understanding to help some kids you know use their teen years well to prepare for the challenges of adult life.

Some of John W. Gardner's judgment...

On CHARACTER - “Some people strengthen the society just by being the kind of people they are.”

On CREATIVITY - “The creative individual is particularly gifted in seeing the gap between what is and what could be.”

On EXCELLENCE -  "Excellence is doing ordinary things extraordinarily well." 

On OPTIMISM - “We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as unsolvable problems.”

On SELF-AWARENESS -  “Life is an endless process of self-discovery.”

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2012. Building Personal Strength . (Photo in public domain, official government publicity photo)

Anatomy of a Trailer Park Murder-Suicide

I write a lot about the window of development for the part of the brain known as the prefrontal cortex, which happens during adolescence. It's a ten- to twelve-year opportunity for a young person to become wired for the cognitive skills for critical thinking: i.e., comprehension, analysis, logic, intuition, problem solving, decision making, planning, organizing and managing. Or not. The potential also exists for neglecting the opportunity, resulting in minimal development in that area.

The question sometimes comes up, so what? So what if a young person doesn't work that area much during the so-called critical period of development?

The answer is that at the end of adolescence, the areas of the prefrontal cortex that weren't reinforced and wired will lose the connections that weren't used. So if very little critical thinking was exercised in youth, very little foundation for logical judgment will remain.

The consequence is an adult who may have other good qualities, but who doesn't think things through very well.

I was thinking about this as I read a report in the paper about a local murder case. Elizabeth Trevino, 37, was with her family celebrating Easter when she got a call from her estranged common-law husband, Augustine, 39. The couple was having "relationship issues," and Augustine opted not to join the family gathering. He called to ask her to meet him at their home at the Windgate Mobile Home Park. When a female relative who lived with them returned to the trailer, she found the two of them dead. Apparently, Augustine had shot Elizabeth in the head, and then committed suicide.

Why this tragic result? Why this emotionally extreme way of resolving relationship problems? Yes, they were probably breaking up and it was painful for both of them. But why take another person's life? And then terminate your own existence? Were there no other options?

To pursue the answer to that question, you have to imagine what was going on in the mind of Augustine. Confusion? Humiliation? Loneliness? Resentment? Frustration? Anger? That's easy to imagine.

But why didn't Augustine try to think through what was happening in the relationship? What about taking his partner's feelings into account? What about considering the alternatives? What about foreseeing consequences? I can only imagine that he wasn't engaged in much of this kind of reflection. Apparently he was a man who reacted emotionally, with little capacity for logical judgment.

Had I been in his situation I, too, would have been deeply troubled. But I wouldn't have considered murder and suicide to be an option. Would you?

No one will ever know for sure why Augustine handled his issues this way. But apparently, thinking things through may not have been his strong suit. Maybe that was not his way of dealing with conflict.

So yes, people have the opportunity to wire their brains for critical thinking during adolescence. After that time of life is over, a person must live with the foundation that was constructed for the rest of adult life, whether it be a robust, expansive intellect or a minimal one.

Life is a perilous journey, especially if you don't appreciate how things work, the dangers and the consequences. Elizabeth's story is a tragic one, though it's not all that uncommon. Falling in love with Augustine turned out to be the biggest mistake of her life.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2012. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use photo purchased from fotolia.com)

Habit, Emotion, and Decision-making - 3 Paths to Action

I am biased towards action.

I have a PhD and 95% of what I know today I learned on my own after earning that degree. So seemingly my head is full of knowledge. Some people have used the word "wisdom," and that's probably true, too. But none of this wonderful knowledge ingrained in my prefrontal cortex is worth anything unless it leads to action. In the end, what matters is not what I think about something, but what I do about it. Reflect while there's still time, but what gets results is action.

There are three ways to get to action...

One is habit, AKA routines, skills, and behavior patterns. Habits are formed when an action is repeated so many times that brain cell dendrites involved in the action have grown together to form physical wiring in the brain. You repeat an action - any action - and the dendrites start growing. After many repetitions, your brain literally wires itself to execute the action. The physical network of brain cells causes the action to happen quickly and automatically, without the need for conscious thought.

Habit-formation is a survival mechanism. After the brain cells that fired together are wired together, the connections are permanent. No delete key. Of course there are good habits and bad habits, but the brain doesn't know the difference. For good, useful habits, this is a good thing. How far would you get if you had to wake up every morning and have to figure out what to do all over again? Only a habit-forming species can survive.

A second way of getting to action is to react emotionally. It may not be what you usually do, and you don't take the time to think it through. You just let your emotions trigger your actions. Emotions like anger, pain, fear, worry, panic, excitement, and lust.

A habit typically engages many areas of the brain. In a given situation, your perceptions may excite certain memories, thoughts or feelings, which automatically trigger certain actions. But an emotional reaction involves mostly the amygdala, which is located in the inner "mammalian" part of the brain. When you find yourself in an unexpected situation, if you react emotionally and act impulsively, conscious thought will play little or no part in the action.

The third way of getting to action is conscious decision-making. Faced with the need to take action, you ask yourself, "What's the best way to handle this?" The process is called "critical thinking." Instead of doing what you always do, you consider whether you should do something else. You think of the alternatives and imagine what's possible. You visualize cause and effect. You compare costs, risks and benefits. You weigh advantages and disadvantages. You consider the opinions of others. And you check your gut - whether a course of action feels like the right thing to do. And then you take action.

Conscious decision-making involves the prefrontal cortex, which is the large area behind the forehead that facilitates comprehension, imagination, analysis, evaluation, problem solving, decision-making, planning and organization. This kind of decision can override habit, and it can override an emotional reaction. In other words, it can save you from the effects of a bad habit and the disastrous results of an impulsive action.

But for the conscious decision to be a robust thought process, a person needs strong critical thinking skills. In other words, the prefrontal cortex needs to be well-wired.

What most people don't know is that this wiring happens mostly during the development of the prefrontal cortex in adolescence, roughly from age 12 to 24. At puberty this area of the thinking brain "blossoms" with many times more dendrites than will ever be needed. If the young person uses the prefrontal cortex a lot during that period, the brain cells that fire together will wire together. After this period, all the unused dendrites will be absorbed by the body. Only the often-used, now wired -up connections remain - an individual's foundation for critical thinking. Use it or lose it - permanently. Later in life, an adult can't build a large intellect on a small foundation.

It's a huge challenge for a teenager, but it's a momentous opportunity. Will the teen overcome habit and emotions to think things through often enough to wire the prefrontal cortex? Many do. These are the people who become adults with "good minds" and "great minds," who create happy lives and successful careers.

At the other end of the spectrum are people whose lives are driven by emotion and habit - folks who have a hard time connecting the dots and thinking things through. They may be good people, but they make a lot of poor choices. They may not have the brain power to get a better job, and they may have a hard time dealing with life's challenges. At the extreme are cruel and abusive people. Criminals. Fools. Maybe you've noticed some of these people along your life journey.

Diversity is important; it takes all kinds of minds to do all the jobs that make the world work. But there's too much hatred and ignorance in the world. We need to grow more adults who think before they act. Yes, if we could do that, the world would be a better place.

I think of the project as "creating better adults." But such an effort has to start with teenagers. More adults need to do a good job of getting teens to use their prefrontal cortex - so that young people wire their prefrontal cortex while the window of development is still open. Parents, teachers, coaches and mentors - help these kids make better decisions during the wild ride of adolescence, while building a robust foundation for learning and critical thinking as an adult.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2012. Building Personal Strength .

Mike Krzyzewski's Weakness Exposed - Stall Ball

I almost never post about basketball. But I'm an over-the-top Duke fan, and I rearrange my calendar around Duke hoops. I monitor recruiting. I track what the players are doing in the summer. I read every article about Duke basketball on the Internet. I watch every single game on TV, if it is televised. Even with the windows closed, the neighbors can hear me shouting during games. I've been doing this the whole time that Mike Krzyzewski has been at Duke.

Plus, Mike Krzyzewski and I were cadets at West Point at the same time. I'm a HUGE fan.

Duke's legendary coach has more victories than any Division I men's basketball coach in history. He knows how to attract talented and develop them. He knows how to win. He's the ultimate class act in basketball, whether college or pros. He deserves all the adulation he has received.

But he has an Achilles heel. As I write, he has 910 victories and 4 NCAA championships; but if it weren't for this flaw, he'd no doubt have 950 victories and 6 championships. Most of the TV sports announcers know what this flaw is, and all the veteran coaches know, too. And when Coach K implements this ill-advised strategy, as he often does, the coaches have learned how to counter it.

The flaw is "clock management" or "slowing the game down." Many people call it "stall ball." It was invented by legendary UNC coach Dean Smith. He called it "four corners." The idea was to build up a lead and towards the end of the game, just pass the ball around, running the clock down. It drove opposing coaches crazy, because it didn't leave them with enough time to come back and win. It probably drove Coach K crazy, too.

Maybe that's why Coach K loves to use the strategy.

Actually, I do, too.

The problem is, Coach K implements it too soon.

I believe there's a fairly low-risk way to hold the ball and let the clock run down. It's simple mathematics. If the team that's ahead just holds the ball for 30 seconds, misses the shot, and the other team scores right away, that's no problem if the lead is more than 2 points. If you do that twice and stall for 60 seconds, you'd need a lead of more than 4 points. So the rule of thumb is to multiply the number of minutes remaining by 4 to determine the size of lead you need to play no-risk clock management. Hopefully, the leading team will force a turnover or score, which is all to the good. But if a team waits to stall the ball, using this guideline, it's almost impossible to lose.

But Krzyzewski consistently starts managing the clock much too soon, creating unnecessary risks. For example, in the game with Washington on December 10, 2011, he started managing the clock with 4:46 to go. By my calculation, he would need a 19-point lead to work the clock down to a safe victory. But the lead was only 14. With a 14-point lead, to play it safe, you should wait until 3:30 left. Seemingly, he trusts his team to score or create defensive stops or turnovers. And sometimes they do, and Duke wins. But sometimes they don't.

That's because of three things. First, Duke got the comfortable lead by implementing their offense. Shifting to stall ball means the players have to stop doing that. This is a jarring change of pace. It upsets every aspect of the offensive chemistry.

Second, after holding the ball and with only 10 seconds left in the possession, there's only time for one shot; and it's a pressured, well-defended shot because the other team can see it coming. Most of the time, the shot misses because the only available shot is a low-percentage shot. The other team gets the rebound, attacks, scores and closes the gap. If this pattern continues, Duke loses. So this seemingly conservative strategy is actually a very risky one if implemented too soon. And Krzyzewski all too often makes this mistake.

The third and scariest thing is that once Coach K shifts to stall ball, he almost never shifts back to his regular offense, regardless of how much the lead disappears. Why this is so, I don't know. I can only speculate. But it's great news for opposing coaches.

I remember watching a game several years ago when Duke squandered a 30-point lead against Virginia. They began stalling halfway through the second half. Duke kept missing time-pressured low-percentage shots, and Virginia kept slashing and scoring. In the end, Duke's lead was gone and Virginia won. I've never forgotten that game, because the pattern repeated itself in future games.

Ironically, the most conservative way to win is to stay with the aggressive basketball that got you the lead in the first place. Most teams do that. But Mike loves stall ball. I think he truly believes it's one of the reasons he wins so often.

At the 4:46 mark in the Washington game, Duke led 74-60; and they began slowing the game down. But then Washington stole the ball and scored on a fast break. This pattern repeated itself. Duke lost the ball again and Washington scored. At 3:00 the score was 74-64. Stall ball wasn't working. Duke was losing its lead. According to my formula, at 3:00 they would need a 12-point lead to stall safely, but they led by only 10.

But Duke continued to stall. At 2:17 the score was 75-66. They needed a 9-point lead, and they had a 9-point lead. Luckily for Duke, they were fouled repeatedly and they made some free throws. With 0:50 left, the score was 81-72. Mathematically, Duke's victory was all but assured. Washington had to foul deliberately for any chance to win, and Duke made more free throws. Washington made a buzzer-beater 3-point shot, and the game endded 86-80. Coach K made it happen. His gamble paid off in another victory.

But why gamble? Does Coach K enjoy the thrill of the risk? Duke went from a 14-point lead to winning by only 6. "Duke held off Washington," said the reports after the game. Actually, during that final 5-minute stretch Duke did not make a single basket. By contrast, Washington scored 20 points in those five minutes. Scary. But Duke was fouled several times and made about half of some free throws.

If I were to presume to advise the legendary coach, I'd tell him this - "When you get a nice lead, continue with what got you there. Keep playing aggressive basketball until the lead is 4 times the number of minutes remaining. Then - if you must - start slowing the game down. Train your players to protect the ball, because your desperate opponent will try to steal it and break for an easy score. My preference, though, would be to keep on working your offense and try to increase the lead. That's what the players would like to do and it's less risky. But if you absolutely must shift to managing the clock, don't do it too soon."

Coach K - "Thanks for your analysis, Denny. Good food for thought."

Denny - "You're welcome, Coach."

NOTE TO MY REGULAR READERS. Thanks for letting me depart from my usual focus on personal strength, people skills, personal strength and teen development. In a way, this article is about some of that. I know the chance that Coach K will see this article is pretty small, and even smaller that he would give it any credibility if he did read it.

But maybe...

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength .

The Wise Aunt Talks to Her Niece about Death

Maria visited Trisha, her teenaged niece, whose friend had died in a tragic car accident. She found her sleeping on a towel in her backyard. Here is a segment of that conversation...

“I’m terribly sorry about your friend. I’m afraid I don’t remember his name.”

Tears formed in Trisha’s eyes. “Mac. His name was Mac.” She wiped her eyes and then said, “Actually, his name was Coker McCoy. But he hated the name Coker, so everybody called him Mac.”

“How long did you know him?”

“A couple years. He was the bass player in Michael’s band. He was a friend.”

“So you liked him?”

“I knew him. I hung out sometimes when they were practicing. Actually, he was kind of a jerk.”

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, he was joking around all the time. He was so full of himself. He wasn’t very nice to me. He didn’t care much for people who couldn’t play. He wasn’t considerate, like Michael. I think he considered me some kind of groupie or something. The nicest thing he ever did was to offer me a drag on a marijuana cigarette.”

“Oh my,” said Maria. “Did you try it?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“You know I don’t smoke, Aunt Maria. It seemed unsanitary, and I didn’t like the idea of getting high. Of losing control. Besides, I’m an athlete. I know some of my friends are trying things. But it’s just peer pressure, kids trying to be cool. I don’t need any of that. Besides, I’m afraid I’d get addicted to alcohol or drugs or something. It’s all craziness, Aunt Maria.”

“Those are good instincts.”

“Anyway, it gave him another reason to poke fun at me.”

“But his death has affected you. You miss him, don’t you?”

“I don’t know. Sort of. It’s hard to think of him as dead. One day he’s jamming with the guys, having fun. He was supposed to graduate from high school in a few days. And now he’s gone. He doesn’t exist anymore.”

The two of them sat in silence. It was springtime, and gusts of wind rolled in to shake the trees.

“He was a senior,” said Trisha. “I don’t know what he was planning to do. I just assumed he would stay with the band. Get gigs around Austin.”

“You never know how things will work out. One thing leads to another, and you can walk down a new path. Who knows where he would have ended up. I once knew a guy in college who was a football player on special teams at U.T. I always thought of him as kind of an over-sexed brute. But you know what happened to him? He started making straight A’s during his junior and senior years, and he went to med school. Now he’s a big deal plastic surgeon out in L.A.”

“Wow.”

“So you never know. Mainly, people do what they care about and actions have consequences. Speaking of which, do you know anything about the accident?”

Trisha sighed. “According to some of the kids at school, he was out whooping it up with friends. He was kind of a rebel and into all the bad stuff—tobacco, alcohol, drugs, you name it. Anyway, he got drunk, and I guess he was speeding on the way home. He was going too fast for a turn and the car left the road. He flipped over a couple times. No seat belt. That’s pretty much it.”

“That reminds me of the toothpicks.”

“What? Toothpicks?”

“Do you remember when I put the toothpicks end to end on the table to represent a human life span?”

“Oh yeah.”

“There were only ten. No one knows when their end will come or how long they’ll live. Mac’s life ended on the second toothpick. He was careless and made some bad choices and suffered the terrible consequences. He threw the rest of his life away.”

There's more to this conversation, and more to the story, which is told in Conversations with the Wise Aunt, a book my wife and I wrote for teen girls.

For teen boys - Conversations with the Wise Uncle

Another excerpt from a conversation between Maria and her niece, Trisha...

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength .

Her Failure to Use Critical Judgment - The Enormous Consequences

On a recent trip into downtown New Braunfels, Texas, I noticed that there was a big motorcycle rally going on at the fairgrounds. I've never seen so many bikes all in one place. Not that motorcycles are rare around here. The town has a big, fancy Harley-Davidson dealership, and the riders have lots of favorite Texas Hill Country back roads that lead to interesting destinations.

Photo by Kathleen Scott

The site of all these bikes brought back a memory of an incident that happened about 30 years ago. Back then I was a lieutenant colonel, in charge of personnel management at the Armed Forces Staff College in Norfolk, Virginia. Rick, an Air Force major who was a student there, lived in York County not far from my house. The drive to the college took more than 45 minutes one-way, so we agreed to carpool.

One evening he called to tell me not to pick him up the next morning, because he had to deal with a family emergency and wouldn't be coming in.

The next time I saw him he explained what happened. He and his wife owned a Harley-Davidson motorcycle, and while he was in class his wife, Jill, decided to go for a ride. They had a seven-month-old baby girl, and his wife had secured the car-seat to the back of the bike. Unfortunately, the strapping came loose and on a turn the car-seat went flying. The baby wasn't killed, but she suffered a serious head injury, and she was in a coma.

Rick was in bad shape. He told me Jill was torn up with guilt. I had met Jill once. She was a beautiful young woman with long, flowing brown hair. The word "vivacious" comes to mind - spontaneous, creative, and fun-loving. I knew this was a big part of what Rick loved about her. But in retrospect I now understand that these endearing qualities may have been her undoing. It would take a monumental lack of critical judgment to tie a baby to the back of a Harley so she could have some fun. Why didn't she foresee the possibility that this could happen? Why didn't she conclude that it wasn't worth risking the life of her baby daughter?

Rick couldn't get past these questions. He told me that Jill was like that. On a lark she would sometimes do wild and crazy things, and Rick would confront her with her irresponsibility. But nothing bad had ever happened, so she always brushed it off.

Until now.

At the time, I was as perplexed about her actions as he was. She wasn't simple-minded. She was a sophisticated, mature 32-year-old woman. It didn't make sense.

But that was 30 years ago, before I had begun my decades-long learning journey focused on how the brain works. Revisiting the memory from my current perspective, I understand the incident differently. I now know why a perfectly normal adult might not foresee the consequences of their actions, fail to exercise critical judgment, and take enormous risks for little or no gain.

It's because with many people, that's how their brains work. They may have other wonderful qualities, but they often act irrationally and sometimes suffer unfortunate consequences.

But why do their brains work that way? The answer is that they learned to think that way. I've explained in other posts that irrational decisions are a common characteristic of adolescent behavior. The pre-frontal cortex - the part of the brain that understands how things relate to each other, including cause and effect - is the so-called "executive" part of the brain that handles logic and planning. This is the last area of the brain to develop, and during adolescence it is "under construction." Since critical judgment is so difficult for a teenager, they will often default to an emotional response. They will do irrational things regardless of the consequences because they are angry, worried, insecure, depressed, wanting excitement, etc. In short, they don't know why they do what they do.

With experience, coaching, parenting, instruction and adult guidance, teens can learn to think critically. These learned patterns become the foundation for their intellect in adult life. But the window for this development closes when young people are in their early 20s. And if they failed to ingrain these logical analysis and decision-making skills during adolescence, they won't have a substantial foundation for critical thinking as adults.

And that's what I think happened to Jill. She wasn't a bad person. She wasn't stupid. Her problem was that she made it all the way through her teen journey without being helped to think things through logically. Why? There could have been lots of reasons. But the learning window opens at puberty and the learning window closes a dozen years later, after which the foundation for critical thinking is set for life. A person can continue to learn thinking skills, but if the foundation is limited, the learning can be difficult, like pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps.

A few months later the class graduated, the couple moved on to another assignment, and I never knew what happened to them. I can only imagine....

The folks at the rally are proud of their bright, shiny road machines, and I can appreciate how much fun they must be. But at this time of my life I've simplified my possibilities. I'll never learn to ride a Harley, I don't care how much fun it is. And I'll never learn to snow-ski, sky-dive, wind-surf and a few other things other people my age have encouraged me to try.

I SCUBA dive in the ocean, and I tell the truth. That's plenty enough risk-taking for me.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength .

Man Loses Temper, Stabs Wife, Throws Life Away

On almost any given day, you can sip your coffee and read in the newspaper about people who have done irrational things and have ruined or lost their lives. 

In the 02/10/2011 issue of the San Antonio Express-News is an article about a "brutal stabbing." According to the story by reporter Craig Kapitan, one morning Jesus Cruz (34) got angry over thoughts of unjustified jealousy. So he left his job as a ranch hand, returned home and attacked his wife Rosa Hernandez (60) with a steak knife. He stabbed her 15 times until the knife broke, and then he tried to suffocate her with a pillow. She escaped when he returned to the kitchen to get another knife. She collapsed outside and witnesses called 911. She survived to testify and now Jesus faces a possible life sentence.

Whenever I read one of these reports, I always ask, What was going on in this person's mind? Why did he let his anger escalate out of control? Why didn't reason kick in at some point? Why didn't he ponder the consequences? Why didn't he consider other courses of action instead of throwing his life away for no good reason? 

The truth is, I can't imagine this mindset. His mental processes are too different from mine. I would not have reacted this way. I would have wanted to confront my wife, discuss it, and discover the truth. Then reconcile or consider my options. 

The answer - for me - is that Jesus, when he was a young man between the ages of 12 and 22, when the critical thinking part of his brain was developing, had a miserable "teen journey," in which he never received the kind of helpful parenting and coaching when confused and disturbed by his experience as a teenager. He made a lot of wrong choices and by the time he was a man, he had failed to construct even a minimal foundation of neurons in his pre-frontal lobes. Instead of critical thinking skills, the patterns he ingrained had to do with reacting emotionally, much the same way a child would.

Only he's not a child. He's a fully grown man with a knife and a child's brain.

This is why I consider the teen journey - the most important period of brain development in a person's life - a perilous experience and a turning point in a person's life. And why I believe parents, teachers, coaches, counselors and other youth mentors need to know more about it.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use photo purchased from istockphoto.com)

The Consequence Paradox - Don't Go There

Have you ever looked back on your life and regretted a bad decision? "If only I had ...." I know I have.

My first marriage ended in divorce after eight years. Looking back, I realize that I rushed into it too quickly. I married her only a week after graduation from West Point. I was only 22 years old, and I didn't know much about myself, relationships or women at that age. I probably should have spent more time getting to know her. If I had, I may have discovered the differences between us, which became all too obvious later. I had a lot to learn, but I was impatient to make my life happen.

Five years after the divorce, I made another decision that had momentous consequences. I was a finalist for a White House Fellowship. About a dozen candidates are chosen each year to be special assistants at the White House or to cabinet members - for a year. The selection is usually a stepping-stone for greater success. As a finalist, I thought my interviews were going well and I had an excellent chance of being selected. But my final interview held a surprise. The man was famous, an influential member of the selection committee. He asked me a direct question about an issue that mattered a lot to him. I had done my homework, and I knew where he stood. But I opposed his point of view. Should I tell him what he wanted to hear? If I did, I thought I had a great chance to be selected. Or should I be honest and express my disagreement. I decided to be honest; and sure enough, I was not selected.

It was a traumatic introduction to the world of politics.

In the past, I have sometimes revisited these decisions - and others - and thought, "What if...?"

I've since learned to appreciate how pointless and counterproductive it is to do this. One obvious reason, of course, is that you don't get a redo. It's impossible to go back and relive these situations.

But the more important reason has to do with what I call the "Consequence Paradox." It goes like this. You may have made a weighty decision, and later you may understand that it wasn't a good call. And unfortunate consequences may have happened as a result. Very likely your life would have been different, perhaps better in many ways, if you had done something else.

But what you fail to acknowledge is that some good things flowed from your "bad choice" as well.

For example, my first marriage didn't turn out well, but we had two sons. These two guys, now about 40 years old, are very important to me. I count them among my best friends. I can't bear the thought of losing them, or life without them. But that's the way things would be if I hadn't married their mother all those years ago, if I had chosen differently.

As for the White House Fellowship, yes, my life would have been quite a bit different. I can't even imagine all the good things that would have happened and what would have become of me if I had had that opportunity.

But surely some bad things would have happened, too. Also, the things that matter most to me now - my wife, my friends, my business, my partners, my work, my home - none of these things would have happened. I'd be a much different person doing much different things somewhere else. I never would have met my wife, the most important person in my life. Unthinkable.

That's the Consequence Paradox. No matter what you choose to do, there will be consequences, and these consequences will lead to others, and so on in a cascade of consequences into the future. And very likely many of these consequences will end up being a huge, wonderful part of your life.

And that's why it's foolhardy to play the "If only..." game. Regret is a natural reaction, but you need to walk away from it as soon as possible. Move on and make the most of your life. Rekindling regret is one of the stupidest things a human being can do, because it can lead to depression and wrong thinking - unnecessarily.

Affirm it all. Yes, learn from the past, but don't second-guess yourself. Let it go. Affirm those old choices as part of what happened way back then. Affirm the good things that have happened since. And continue to make the most of what you have each day.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use photo purchased from istockphoto.com)

The One in Power Needs to Listen and Learn - A Dream Interpreted

One night recently I had a strange dream. Like most people, I usually don’t remember my dreams. But the imagery intruded on my consciousness the next morning, and I was able to recall most of it. It went like this…

I was visiting one of my brothers in his home when there was a knock at the front door. It was the county sheriff. My brother invited him in, and immediately the sheriff began pointing out defects in the construction and maintenance of the house. He was all business and spoke with authority.

But then he decided to mete out punishment on the spot. He tied up my brother and suspended him from the rafters with a rope. Then he continued to point out flaws with the house.

At some point he turned to me. Giving me a threatening stare, he said, “Maybe you need to hang up there with your brother.” He clearly had the authority to do this.

But I took a step forward. When we were eye to eye, I said, “You might want to reconsider that.”

He looked at me silently. I may have taken him by surprise. I don’t think he was used to being challenged.

“You’re the sheriff. You know about due process. You know about civil liberties. If I were you, I’d give more thought to what you’re doing here. You have the power to do what you want, but you don’t want people in the community to think of you as a loose cannon. There could be consequences.”

Still, he said nothing. But I looked into his eyes, and I could see that his logical mind and his emotions were in conflict.

He looked up at my brother and said, “Cut him down.”

And that was that. Without a word, he turned and walked out the house.

The only injuries my brother sustained were to his dignity. For that, I resented the sheriff. But I also felt respect. He was doing his job the way he thought he was supposed to do it. He had exercised his authority in the usual way. But when someone called him on it and asked him to listen to reason, he did. He was a potential danger to the very community he had sworn to protect. But he was realistic. In the end, he conquered his ego and did the right thing.

What does the dream mean? The people who know me personally think I have an uncanny ability to interpret their dreams. But I’m not nearly as adept at analyzing my own.

The day leading up to the dream, I was writing about executives who waste a ton of money because they don't understand how people learn and what it really takes to ingrain a skill. Maybe the dream was connected to that. So here goes with my interpretation...

Even with the best of intentions, the person in charge can make a wrong decision. But once cautioned about the error, the wise individual will listen, accept the truth, move on in a new direction, and avoid the adverse consequences.

Do you have another interpretation?

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

"On Second Thought" - Outsmarting Our Hard-Wired Habits

I've been reading On Second Thought, a fascinating book by Wray Herbert that reveals 20 heuristics. A heuristic is a rule of thumb that you use unconsciously and automatically in decision making.

According to Herbert's research, the human brain evolved to approach situations a certain way. Through use, these mental habits become hard-wired and can cause us to make irrational decisions. The goal of the book is to expose these ways of thinking, so we can outsmart our own cognitive tendencies.

One such mental habit is the "Decoy Heuristic." For example, imagine that you're house-hunting and the two best choices in your price range are (A) one that is 1600 square feet (a little small) and only two miles from where you work. Another choice is (B) 2400 square feet (more than adequate) but it means a 22-mile commute in heavy traffic.

You are torn between these choices until you spot another priced-right option. This one (C) is 1400 square feet and four miles from work.

If you're like most people, you quickly rule out C. But choice C makes choice B seem even better. By making C the obvious loser, you quickly and easily make B the winner, even though A might be more beneficial for you in the long run.

This isn't a logical way to decide, but according to research, rather than agonize over risky choices, the tendency of many people is to stop analyzing the options and quickly adopt an easier, less-stressful choice that does no harm. We are attracted to the better of one option and its "decoy," a similar, less beneficial option.

Fascinating.

Another is the "Future Heuristic." This involves the ability to know that the future is coming but the failure to project ourselves into it and analyze future events. We tend to view the present without appreciating a potential future context.

This means that if your family, your home, your job, or your health are satisfactory, you tend to not think about what could happen in the future. You know that things change, but you automatically assume that good things will stay that way. You don't imagine these important things in jeopardy or lost to you. It's hard to sustain the feeling of joy and gratitude you experience when something good comes into your life. As a result you tend to take them for granted rather than appreciate them or do things to nurture and preserve them.

Researchers have concluded that thinking about the absence of something can refresh our appreciation of it. Imagining your life without the blessings helps you see your happy condition as new and wonderful again.

I do this from time to time. I don't like the idea of taking my wife for granted. I want to appreciate her. But like everyone, from time to time I habituate to my situation and lose the sense that what I have around me is precious.

So on occasion I'll pause a few moments and imagine my life without her. I'm in the house, but she is gone forever. I'm alone. I miss the wonderful meals she used to prepare. I think about doing it myself and realize I'm not up to the task. There's no one here who will listen to me talk about life. No one here to share fun experiences with. No comforting presence. I realize that this really could happen. I let the scenario sink in, and I feel a stabbing feeling in my chest.

Then I go into the next room and see that she is still here. I feel blessed and happy. I feel joy and appreciation.

And that's what I want to feel. So this exercise of imagining the loss works for me. It brings the present into the context of a reasonably possible future. It jolts me out of my complacency. For a while, anyway.

So gratitude can sometimes take work. Maybe this exercise will work for you, too.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

The Truth about Intuition - Your "Sixth Sense"

I'm sure you're familiar with the term "intuition." But to most people it remains a mysterious concept.

I’ve heard people refer to intuitive ability as if it were a special “sixth sense” or psychic ability. Actually, intuition is a normal function of the healthy human brain. At one time or another, you may have been aware of a gut-feeling that spoke to the rightness or wrongness of an impending decision. It’s a feeling that you know something for sure, but you can’t explain why you know it.

Years ago I was walking down one of the many concourses in the sprawling Dallas airport. As I looked ahead at the dozens of fellow travelers in front of me, my gaze was suddenly drawn to a fellow who was about ten steps ahead of me. I saw only his back, but his head, posture and way of walking seemed profoundly familiar. As I closed the space between us, I had a feeling that it was an old acquaintance, someone I hadn’t seen in 25 years. My reasoning told me that it couldn’t possibly be him. But I caught up with him anyway, so I could get a closer look.

It was him. He appeared older, but I knew it was him. I introduced myself and we had an interesting, although brief conversation. Afterwards, I was amazed at my ability to immediately recognize someone I hadn’t had contact with in a quarter-century—without even seeing his face. I thought: What an amazing instrument the human brain is.

I also remember a conversation I once had with one of my business partners. We were discussing a decision we were about to make. I asked her if she agreed with my approach. She said yes and summarized the reasons why it made sense.

In spite of what she was saying, something didn’t feel right. So I said, “You don’t really feel good about it, do you?”

“No, I guess I don’t. I’ve been bothered by a particular issue.” She explained her reservations, which led to more dialogue and ultimately a different decision.

Once again, it was as if a voice in my head was telling me something. And I knew it wasn’t the voice of reason. The important thing is that I didn’t dismiss it. I listened to it and acted on it.

Should I request another assignment? Should I change careers? Should I get married now or wait a year or two? Should we lay off some of our staff? Should we stop developing this new product? After having to make a number of decisions like these in my life, I’ve learned to check for that “Yes!-feeling” or that “No!-feeling.”

Logic is a powerful tool. Without it, we'd still be in the dark ages. But logic has to be processed slowly and methodically as conscious thought. Meanwhile the rest of your brain continues to multi-task at an astounding pace on an untold number of other important issues. When it derives a conclusion outside your attention, that's the voice of intuition speaking to you. Amazing, yes, but there's nothing mysterious about it.

My intuition isn't always right. Not all my decisions have had good results. And I haven’t always done what my gut-feelings told me to do. But I’ve never regretted consulting them.

My review of How We Decide, the best book I've seen about intuition.

A Fortune Cookie...

Listen to the still small voice, and it will reveal its secrets.

More Fortune Cookies...

The story behind the Fortune Cookies...

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Sobering Thoughts about Time Travel and Life Decisions

I have a Ph.D. in English from Duke University. Studying there some 35 years ago was a peak experience. The learning was intense, and it changed my life. Today, I use the research, reasoning, writing and editing skills I refined there to great advantage in my work. Also, thanks to that education, I have an acutely sensitive appreciation for the arts and literature, which greatly adds to my enjoyment of life.

Still, I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like had I chosen to study psychology instead of English. In my late 20s, I was equally fascinated with both areas. I sometimes wonder if a psychology degree would have served my current work at least as well, if not better.

I have no regrets, however. I don't indulge in time-machine fantasies such as, "If only I could go back in time and change what I did in graduate school..."

I've been watching the History Channel "The Universe" series on DVD, and of course they have a segment on time travel. I trust they decided to deal with this topic because of the public's fascination for it. The segment addresses the question, "Is time travel possible?" The producers did an excellent job of maintaining the suspense of this question while laying out the theoretical possibilities along with the technical impracticalities. The unstated conclusion: Time travel as we know it will never happen. No human being will ever travel back in time to change something about the past.

For those of you who indulge in regret or "if only" fantasies, let me tell you something. Say you could go back in time and correct an event that you considered a horrible mistake. The consequences in the future would not be as subtle and benevolent as you imagine. The changes would be radical and shocking. Everything that happens has consequences. And those consequences have consequences, involving countless other people as the consequences expand into the future.

If I could go back in time and get a Ph.D. in psychology instead of English, I wouldn't be sitting here in my office in the Texas Hill Country with my wife and cats. No, everything about my life would be different. I can't even imagine where I would be or what I would be doing or even if my different life would be a happy one. I might even be dead right now. And much about the world around me would be different, too. The number of new consequences that would cascade from that one small change in the past is staggering. It's a scary thought.

Well, not really scary, because it's impossible.

So consider this:

1. Be aware that your present moment is the result of untold influences that are the product of uncountable chains of consequences triggered by actions in the distant past. There never was any such thing as "destiny." You've always lived in a world of where you and other people do things that affect your life.

2. Be mindful and appreciate your present moment. It's what you have. Don't wish that it were different. Relish it.

3. Rather than indulge in regret, learn from what happens to you.

4. Give thought to your decisions going forward. Respect the fact that your actions will have consequences in the real world. More than you'll ever know.

I hope you can use these thoughts to make your journey a little more productive and satisfying, though I suppose they're a little "heavy." I guess I never would have written a blog post like this if I hadn't gotten that Ph.D. in English so many years ago....

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use this photo purchased from istockphoto.com)

The Personal Strength of Decisiveness: Consider the Consequences

“You’re about to make a career-changing decision.” Have you ever heard that warning?

Not every decision has enormous consequences. And with some decisions, the consequences aren't clear.

I earned my Ph.D. in English midway through my career as an Army officer. I was a captain about to be promoted to major. But I considered walking away from that career to start a new one as an English professor. It was a momentous decision. A whole new career teaching literature seemed exciting. I loved poetry and fiction and had established myself as an authority on the contemporary American novel. There were job openings. I could pay my dues, and my work ethic would help me move up. The prospect of working in this area sounded like a good way to make money while having fun.

On the other hand, I knew about university politics. If anything, they were nastier than politics in the military. Also, in the beginning I’d have to teach a lot of mandatory basic writing courses to kids who didn’t want to be there. In order to advance, I’d have to publish—or perish. And I knew what kind of esoteric nonsense got published.

Also, I’d have to give up my pension. Of course, that would be replaced by another pension. But I knew that this was the time to decide, because each year going forward I’d have more time invested and it would be harder to give it up. The two paths led to radically different futures.

In the end I chose to remain in the Army.

Why? Because along the way I had discovered a fascination for the topic of leadership. Working in this area was a way to make a difference. I imagined my future as an expert in leadership, teaching managers how to get the best effort from their people. Teaching an appreciation of poetry and fiction didn’t have the same kind of impact, not by a long shot.

Also, I had to admit that so far every assignment I had in the Army had enriched me. I felt sure I could keep this going for ten more years. Surely I could get assignments that would continue to build on my experience and knowledge of leadership. I had to admit that my love of literature was satisfied by reading it, not by writing about it or teaching it.

I never regretted the decision. My assignments during the second half of my career included director of human resources for an organization with 20,000 employees, program manager for developing doctrine for Army training, director of personnel management for the Armed Forces Staff College, and teaching leadership as head of the ROTC program at the College of William Mary. These jobs were a fantastic preparation for the consulting business I started after I retired 

Here's another Fortune Cookie for you...

Consider the consequences, for they will surely fall like dominoes.

More Fortune Cookies...

The story behind the Fortune Cookies...

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

New Evidence for Intuition - May Not Be What You Think

The best book I’ve read about intuition is How We Decide, by Jonah Lehrer (2009). I appreciate the way he treats intuition for what it is—an ordinary function of the human brain. He explains that the brain stores an amazing amount of input in long-term memory: sights, sounds, experiences, associations, emotions, facts, principles, plans, dreams, and more. To solve a problem, it connects all the relevant information at lightning speed. Then it checks how we feel about it—whether it’s related to pleasure and fulfillment or pain and frustration. All of this happens in the background, outside conscious attention. This result is intuition. It’s a feeling, but it’s based on an astounding amount of mental processing.

According to Lehrer, when we try to be logical, we consciously engage a powerful area of the brain, the pre-frontal cortex. This is the area that associates perceptions and relates cause-and-effect information to create meaning. Conscious attention is limited, however. We can only pay attention to a handful of variables at the same time. Also, being consciously logical is a slow process.

My favorite intuition story is about how NFL quarterbacks know which receiver to throw the ball to. After the snap, a lot of things begin to happen all at once, many of them violent and unforeseen. Five receivers could be running different patterns simultaneously as the defense reacts. What happens in each case is unpredictable. The quarterback can’t sort through all this information logically in the few seconds it takes for the defensive linemen to reach him. So the best quarterbacks don’t try. They just throw to the receiver that “feels right.”

*     *     *

The above is an excerpt from an article I wrote for the weekly Golden Eggs ezine. Lehrer's book is quite entertaining, and I loved his brain-based treatment of decision-making. It's the best explanation of intuition I've ever read. The article summarizes the best stories from the book. You probably should use your own intuition with more confidence, and with more care. To read the full article, check this week's issue of Golden Eggs. If you haven't subscribed yet, you can do so in the box at the top of this page.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Are You Strong Enough to Accept the Facts?

A tough decision looming in your future? Ultimately, what you do will have consequences. Would you want to move forward based on bad information? On faulty analysis? On self-deception?

Of course not. You want to deal with your situation based on the facts. But sometimes reality isn't what you expected or wanted. Sometimes it’s hard to accept the truth of things.

When circumstances deal you unexpected blows, it’s easy to get upset and say, “Why me? What did I do to deserve this?” You might be tempted to deny the reality of your challenge because it seems too hard to face. Or you could get angry at the unfairness of it and lash out at others in frustration.

But that’s the way life is. Bad things can happen that are beyond your control. In those moments, you have a choice. You can accept the situation for what it is and figure out how to deal with it.

Or you can refuse to believe it.

When this kind of thing happens to you, move to a place of acceptance as quickly as you can. That doesn’t mean you have to like it. It means that you acknowledge what’s really happening.

Taking this approach will help you calm down. Instead of fighting the problem, you’ll think more clearly about solutions. You’ll come up with ways to get through it successfully. And what initially seemed terrible can actually lead you to a better place than you imagined.

What wise people have had to say about acceptance...

• "The successful people of this world take life as it comes. They just go out and deal with the world as it is." - Ben Stein, American author (1947- )
• "I accept reality and dare not question it." - Walt Whitman, American poet (1819-1892)
• “It is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.” - Carl Sagan, American astronomer (1934-1996)
• “Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened.” - Winston Churchill, British prime minister (1874-1965)
• "People who shut their eyes to reality simply invite their own destruction." - James Baldwin, American novelist (1924-1987)
• "Realists do not fear the results of their study." - Feodor Dostoyevsky, Russian novelist (1821-1881)
• "Take things as they are." - Bruce Lee, Chinese actor (1940-1973)
• "Peace of mind is that mental condition in which you have accepted the worst." - Lin Yutang, Chinese author (1895-1976)
• "Accepting does not necessarily mean 'liking,' 'enjoying,' or 'condoning.' I can accept what is—and be determined to evolve from there. It is not acceptance but denial that leaves me stuck." - Nathaniel Branden, American psychologist (1930- )
• “Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end.” - Henry Miller, American novelist (1891-1980)

Take reality by the hand, and she will guide you.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength . (License to use photo purchased from istockphoto.com)

The Personal Strength of Rationality - Think Before You Act

I read in the newspaper about a San Antonio man who shot his friend to death outside a bar. Apparently the friend owed him money and refused to pay. When their argument got physical, they were asked to leave. Out in the parking lot, one of the men pulled out a gun and fired twice at the other. His friend died at the scene.

Although violent and shocking, the story sounded familiar—the kind of thing that happens in a big city. On the other hand, I found it difficult to imagine the mindset of someone who would do that. One moment the young man was angry, the next moment his friend was dead, and he was in a police car headed towards a trial and a possible death sentence—or life in prison, if he’s lucky.  His life was ruined.

What was he thinking? The answer is that he probably wasn’t thinking much at all. He was reacting emotionally without letting the rational part of his mind help him decide what to do. And I thought: maybe thinking rationally isn’t one of his strengths.

When I was a young man I wasn’t as rational as I am now. People who know me might be surprised at that statement. I was never like the young man with the gun. Far from it. I was the top student in my class from the first grade all the way through high school. Even as a youth I had good reasoning abilities.

But I also had the mind and heart of a poet. I wrote poetry in high school and was the editor of the literary magazine. I had a romantic, idealistic frame of mind. Later, at West Point, I published a few poems. My English professors were so impressed that after graduation they arranged for me to get a degree in English at Duke University and return to West Point to teach. At Duke, my poems were published regularly in the literary journal and one of them won the annual Academy of American Poets poetry prize. While teaching English at West Point, I co-authored a book of poems. It’s who I was back then.

I recall an earlier incident as a cadet that made me realize I needed to work harder on my ability to think before I act. During my second year I had a Sunday date with a charming young woman. As we walked along the Hudson River, I was so enthralled with her that I lost track of time and missed the required formation for supper. I had plenty of time to think about that during the coming month, when I reported for inspection and two-hour marching sessions during the weekends, instead of spending more time with my lady friend.

West Point and my subsequent 20-year career in the Army were good for me that way. My duties required me to exercise logic so often that the pattern became a true strength. I feel that today my right brain and my left brain sing a two-part harmony from the same sheet of music. I’m as reasonable, analytical and strategic as I ever hope to be. And while I’m even more passionate and creative than ever, I exercise these strengths mostly to help others.

In almost everything we do, life engages our emotions. So it’s not always easy to be rational. But exercising that strength can help you get what you want. It can even save your life.

I’m reminded of the story of a friend of mine. She’s passionate and spontaneous, but she’s trained her mind to be logical as well. When I knew her, she had a Ph.D. in nutrition and made a good living consulting as an expert witness in trials where evidence related to nutrition was needed.

When she was about forty, she and her husband adopted a little girl. Knowing that several women in her family had died from breast cancer, she feared that she carried a gene that could cause her to develop breast cancer herself. She wanted to be sure that she was there for her child’s growing up years, so she decided to have a double mastectomy to eliminate the possibility altogether. 

While her decision was rational, a lot of women might consider it unthinkable. But my friend’s judgment proved correct. After the operation, the doctors found cancer in both breasts. While it was in the very early stage, if she had kept her breasts her worst fears would have come to pass.

How does one become more rational? According to Aristotle, one becomes more rational by thinking rational thoughts. Yes, it helps to learn to play chess, read more and work crossword and Sudoku puzzles. But I think the best learning opportunities have to do with decisions. Think about the consequences of various courses of actions. What are the risks? What are the rewards? What are the costs? What are the benefits? Spontaneity is fine, but if you can make yourself think things through before you take action, your ability to think and act rationally will get stronger.

Here's another Fortune Cookie for you...

Pay attention to what reason teaches, or she'll rap you on the knuckles.

More Fortune Cookies...

The story behind the Fortune Cookies...

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength . (License to use photo purchased from Istockphoto.com)

Conscious Personal Strengths for Dead Batteries and Floods

Torrential rains and street flooding kept us from the Nashville airport Sunday, so we returned to San Antonio a day late. And our plane was a half-hour behind schedule. Otherwise, the flight was pleasant and uneventful, and our luggage was waiting for us at the baggage claim carousel.

On the way to our car, we stopped at a validation machine to prepay our parking fee with a credit card. We tried several times, but the machine appeared to be broken. We tried the machine next to it, with the same result. The sun was about to set, and I was tired and eager to get home. I could feel my patience wearing thin.

After we found our car, we were surprised to find that the battery was dead. The battery had been checked a couple weeks ago, and it tested out fine. My first thought was to call AAA. Kathleen suggested that airport security might be able to give us a jump. That sounded like a good idea; they probably have to deal with this problem several times a day.

As we walked back to the terminal, I felt distressed and unhappy. We should have been on our way home by now. It was frustrating to have to deal with this. Why was the battery dead? Would we be able to find a security officer? Would he be able to help us?

I think about personal strength several hours a day. It's my passionate interest. So naturally I began to wonder which strengths I should be exercising to deal with this situation. Composure, to keep my emotions under control and remain calm. It was a small problem after all, and it would be a mistake to make a big deal out of it. Decisiveness, to do the right thing at the right time. Patience, to allow the problem solving process to take its course. And forgiveness, to avoid blaming myself or Kathleen for the dead battery. I consciously made an effort to engage these strengths. 

When we arrived curbside in front of the terminal, an officer on a bicycle greeted us. "You folks look lost. Do you need help?" I explained our situation, and he said, "I'll call a service vehicle. He'll be there in a few minutes. Do you need a lift back to the car?" 

We opted to walk back, and a minute after we returned a small truck with a flashing yellow light approached us. He had our car started in a few minutes, and we were on our way.

It was an interesting way to end our vacation. In retrospect, the incident reinforced two lessons:

1. In a challenging situation, it helps to engage specific personal strengths in a conscious way. 

2. Sometimes not one, but a cluster of strengths are needed to deal with a situation.

Life happens, and we deal with it. Back in Nashville, the home of a cousin flooded the day before when 18 inches of rain caused a nearby creek to overflow its banks. They suffered heavy losses. They would need to be strong, too. A lot stronger than I needed to be in my relatively trivial situation. They'll be dealing with their challenge for a long time.

 Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength . (Photo by Kathleen Scott, used with permission.)

Stephen Covey - Success Is a Matter of Choice

According to Stephen Covey, genetics (nature) and environment (nurture) aren't the only two determinants of a person's behavior. Unlike other animals, in the human brain there's something special going on between the "stimulus" and the "response" that has nothing to do with nature or nurture. That something is choice - the uniquely human ability to analyze options, decide what to do, and follow through with action.

But is that "something special" a small something or a large something? In this three-minute video, you'll hear a fascinating analysis by one of the great personal development teachers of all time.



Have you enlarged your ability to make choices in that space between stimulus and response?

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., , Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .