Refine Your Dialogue Skills - Some Tips and an Illustration

When people share opinions, they can discover either common ground or points of conflict. If opinions are strongly held, emotions can rise, rational discourse can break down, and the process of dialogue can degenerate into an argument. If people don’t do something to get the dialogue back on track, they can miss an opportunity to learn from each other.

In a previous post, I explained the basics of engaging in dialogue. If you didn't read that post, it's a great place to start. Below are some tips that will help you refine your dialogue skills.

Share your “left-hand column.” This term refers to what you were thinking but did not say. Verbalizing unspoken thoughts puts more information in front of everyone for consideration. If you keep your thoughts to yourself, you can end up talking around the subject and undermining opportunities to learn new ways of thinking.

Talk about what may be blocking. You may need to identify the specific areas of disagreement that are preventing you from considering each other’s thoughts. The need to be right and the need to save face can cause in impasse. Identify the real cause of the stalemate.

Discuss ways to overcome barriers. You may decide to agree to disagree. You may decide to keep trying to explore the issues and reach the most useful point of view. Or you may decide you need someone to facilitate the process.

Ask which facts, assumptions or reasoning might change an opinion. It may be necessary to go beyond what has been shared so far. You may need to explore which opinions need to be modified to achieve resolution. Ask what kind of information is needed.

Find ways to get the information. Once you realize that more information is needed, someone should take responsibility for getting it. You may also invite other knowledgeable individuals to participate in the dialogue, someone with new information or opinions unlike those expressed in the group.

EFFECTIVE DIALOGUE IN ACTION…

Jack: “I hear that the Johnson kid has been given the Go Green project.”

Dolly: “Yes, I heard that, too.”

Jack: “Well, that’s outrageous. I told the boss I wanted that project. I’ve been here six years. I’ve got tons more experience than he does. It’s like I was passed over! It’s not fair to give a plum project like that to a new guy.”

Dolly: “So you’re saying that project leadership should go to whomever has been here the longest?”

Jack: “Well, yeah, if he’s got the experience. I thought I was being groomed for a project like this. I’m better qualified.”

Dolly: “Are sure about that?”

Jack: “Sure, I’m sure! He’s only been here two weeks!”

Dolly: “Maybe he’s got experience you don’t know about. Do you know what he was doing before he came here?”

Jack: “No, but he looks young enough to be my son! What kind of experience could he have?”

Dolly: “So, you’re saying young people can’t have relevant experience.”

Jack: “No, it’s not impossible. But what could it possibly be?”

Dolly: “Well, I heard he was an intern at EnerTek for nearly two years, and he was working on some kind of amazing new battery. A huge chunk of Go Green depends on energy storage. Maybe he can help us grow the contract by adapting that new technology.”

Jack: “Are you sure about that?”

Dolly: “That’s what I heard. Maybe young people can have experience, too. “

Jack: “Well, I’m going to check it out. If it’s true, that changes things. I could get up to speed on the energy storage issue, but it would take time. And I don’t know about this new stuff. Maybe I reacted too quickly.”

Dolly: “Maybe. But I think it's good you're willing to check the facts before making a final judgment.”

Jack: “Hmmm.”

Listen, keep an open mind, inquire, advocate, check the facts, learn...a lot more fruitful than trying to win an argument.

Watch Meredith Bell's encouraging video on this topic!

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use photo purchased from istockphoto.com)

Dialogue - Have You Mastered This People Skill?

One of the core people skills is the ability to engage in dialog.

And it's in your interests to do so! To do your best, you need to have the best information. And yet, no one can be expected to know everything or have all the answers — not even the boss. No one person’s reasoning can be flawless all the time. While people may not always agree, you need the best thinking and the best answers you can get. So it helps if people are willing to share what they know and say what’s on their minds. In the best case, people are genuinely curious about each other’s views. If they keep an open mind, they can learn from each other and abandon less useful opinions for better ones.

This kind of learning from each other is called “dialog.” But the process can be difficult, because you may have held certain ideas for a long time. Questioning one notion could mean questioning a whole set of related notions. These opinions could be wrapped up in your concept of who you are. You may find yourself feeling defensive when you find out that others have opinions that oppose your own.

Dialogue is the free and creative examination of issues from several points of view. It’s a structured way of sharing each other’s thinking in order to make the best decisions and get the best results. Instead of defending your point of view, you openly consider whether there may be a more realistic, useful perspective.

What's the best way to engage in dialog?

For best results, everyone participating in dialogue should agree to keep an open mind—to temporarily set their assumptions and opinions aside. Everyone should be considered a colleague, so that people are heard with courtesy and respect. At least one person in the group should observe the process, so that members can be encouraged if necessary. The process consists of two aspects: advocating and inquiring.

ADVOCATING – Stating your own opinion.

Acknowledge that your opinion is simply an opinion. The all-important first step is to set aside the thought, “I know I’m right.” Your opinions are important, because they are the mental models upon which you base most of your decisions. But opinions aren’t final truths. Instead, they’re always tentative conclusions based on available facts and assumptions. Since everyone doesn’t share the same opinions, some of them may be founded on better facts and assumptions than others. Therefore, you stand to gain by considering the facts, assumptions and conclusions of others.

State the assumptions upon which your opinion is based. Often an opinion is based on one or more conclusions. If you don’t have final proof of these conclusions, you’ll need to assume that they are true. Most people don’t realize that they’ve made these assumptions. To examine the strength of your opinion, state the assumptions you’ve made to establish your opinion.

Describe the facts upon which your opinion is based. Opinions are also based on facts. However, a single fact doesn’t prove the general rule. Forming an opinion without considering enough factual evidence is called “jumping to conclusions.”

Explain your reasoning. While personal feelings, instinct and intuition can guide your decision-making, it’s important to ask whether your opinion makes sense. Is your opinion well supported by facts? Is your reasoning sound?

Encourage others to examine your assumptions, facts and reasoning. To promote dialogue, invite others to inquire into your opinions. Ask them what they think about the opinions, assumptions, facts and reasoning you’ve shared. Give their evaluation serious consideration.

INQUIRING—Asking about other people’s opinion.

Ask about someone’s opinion only if you’re genuinely interested. Ask only if you’re truly curious and are open to the possibility of learning. It won’t be dialogue if you ask just to be polite or because it’s expected.

Ask others about their opinions. Try to discover the opinions and attitudes that guide their thinking. Keep your mind open to the possibility that you may discover useful new ideas, concepts or answers. If you hear something you didn’t expect or something that conflicts with your own opinions, be on guard against your own defensiveness.

Ask others about their assumptions. As you listen, check what you hear to make sure you understand. If you hear a basic concept that’s related to their line of thinking, ask them what this assumption is based on. You may be surprised how well-founded it is. Or you may discover that the assumption has serious flaws.

Ask others about the facts upon which their opinion is based. When you hear an opinion, ask how the person came to that opinion. If they offer evidence, ask if they have more. Consider whether this is sufficient data from which to draw a conclusion.

Ask others to explain their reasoning. As you listen to others make their points, you’ll pick up on the reasoning behind their arguments. Outline this reasoning to be sure you understood it correctly. Point out any strengths or weaknesses in the reasoning.

Dialog is an acquired skill, one that can help you expand your mind while becoming a masterful conversationalist. Stay tuned for more tips on this topic in a future post!

Watch Meredith Bell's encouraging video on this topic!

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use photo purchased from istockphoto.com)