The 5 Top People Skills for Parents of Teenagers

There are five people/communication skills that are so important to parenting a teenager that the failure to use any one of them - even just once - can cause problems in a relationship. My research of the literature has taught me that there are actually nearly 100 different people skills. In ProStar Coach, we focus on two dozen of them. In my free coaching ebook, we focus on eight people skills. But if you're parenting or mentoring a teen, you can narrow the skill set even further. These five are crucial.

Listening. Not just paying attention and hearing what the teen says, but observing the nonverbal messages, too, and checking to make sure that what you think the teen is trying to communicate is actually what they intended. When you don't listen this way, you can misunderstand. A teen who is ignored or misunderstood is likely to assume that the adult is either clueless or doesn't care - thoughts which can produce additional negative emotions.

Stimulating Thinking. Most adults think they know more than the teen, and visa-versa. In my opinion, the most important thing an adult can do for teens to prepare them for adult life is to get them to learn how to think for themselves. This is not the same thing as giving advice or solving a problem for a teen. This is about asking them questions that get them thinking about their situation.

Guiding Learning. A lot happens to a young person during adolescence. A secret: just because it happens to them doesn't mean they learn anything from it. The skill involves asking five questions that guides a person to learn from an experience. Like the above skill, it stimulates critical thinking.

Giving Feedback. Because teens are young and unformed and enduring a difficult time of life, their self-esteem is vulnerable. And low self-esteem can make them susceptible to peer pressure. Criticizing teens makes self-esteem worse and they resent it. Instead, giving feedback, both constructive and positive, focuses on behavior in a way that avoids criticism.

Giving Encouragement. Teens make a lot of mistakes. They have a lot of problems. They fail a lot! They have a lot of bad days. People need encouragement during the teen years more than any other time of life. Encouragement can help young people recover from what they perceive as adversity. If you do it right.

Have I ever known a parent who had all five skills? Sorry, no. When my boys were teens, I had two of the skills. But I rarely used them. And so it goes.

Have I ever known a parent who had just one of these skills? Yes, but rarely. Very rarely.

So this is where we are today. It's a grim situation, and a big part of the problem with teens doesn't lie with the teens at all. It's the parents. They make gross communication mistakes 95% of the time, with awful consequences - problematic parent-teen relationships.

So I'm just going to throw down the gauntlet here. If you're a parent of a teenager, I challenge you to take responsibility to improve the way you interact with your child. A good start would be to click on the links above and learn more about the skills. Another would be to get the free ebook on coaching skills. Depending on how much you care about your teen, you've got work to do.

Also, consider giving one of these books to your teen...

For girls - Conversations with the Wise Aunt

For boys - Conversations with the Wise Uncle

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength .

I'm Responsible for My Feelings - A Neat Trick

I pulled into the bank parking lot, and suddenly it hit me - I had forgotten to bring the safe deposit key. Trip wasted! I exploded with a loud one-syllable expletive. Fortunately, I was still in my car with the windows up. I remembered to bring the list of items to retrieve, but the key was still at home in its drawer. I quickly thought, No big deal. I come downtown all the time. I'll take care of it the next time. Just as suddenly, I was calm and happy.

When I returned home, I warmed up some soup for lunch. I decided that while I ate, I would read this great book that had just come in the mail. I walked to my office to get the book, but when I returned to the kitchen I realized I had retrieved my glasses, not the book. Another monosyllabic expletive. But then I thought, No problem. I'll just go back to my office. The extra walking is good exercise. Carrying the book back to the kitchen, I was feeling happy again.

How about that? From feeling frustrated and angry to feeling satisfied and happy in less than a minute. Pretty cool.

Back in the 1970s, one of the catch-phrases of the woo-woo gurus of that generation was, "You are responsible for your own feelings." Meaning, you can decide how you want to feel. Two people can react to the same situation differently. You aren't bound to react a certain way. Own your feelings. Take responsibility for your reaction. And the corollary: You're not responsible for how other people feel. They have the same freedom to choose how they want to react.

Since then, I've learned that it's not quite that simple. For one thing, I take responsibility for how I deal with people. I want to do what's right, to avoid doing things that are likely to cause distress and pain and expect people to feel fine about it. For another, some people have neurochemical issues. They aren't in full control of how they feel or react.

But still, I like the idea of taking responsibility for my feelings, choosing to react in a way that will best serve me. The trick is simple, actually. When I feel distress, I quickly ask myself questions like, What's the larger perspective? Is this really such a big deal? What can I do to make this problem go away?

This helps me see that while what has happened isn't what I wanted, and while my initial feelings of frustration are real and natural, there's a bigger picture and ways to turn what seems like a negative into a perfectly acceptable positive. In other words, I change my thoughts, and my feelings immediately follow suit.

This trick has helped me past countless frustrations in my marriage. Don't get me wrong. I'm married to the most wonderful woman in the world. But in the real world, we sometimes do what the other person doesn't expect or want. Happens all the time. I feel surprised, disappointed or frustrated. Then I shift my thoughts to the larger perspective. She doesn't know what I want. It's easy to miscommunicate. Neither one of us is perfect. She has a good heart and always means well. What would my life be without her? Feelings of compassion and love come flooding in.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use image purchased from istockphoto.com)