Listening. Not just paying attention and hearing what the teen says, but observing the nonverbal messages, too, and checking to make sure that what you think the teen is trying to communicate is actually what they intended. When you don't listen this way, you can misunderstand. A teen who is ignored or misunderstood is likely to assume that the adult is either clueless or doesn't care - thoughts which can produce additional negative emotions.
Stimulating Thinking. Most adults think they know more than the teen, and visa-versa. In my opinion, the most important thing an adult can do for teens to prepare them for adult life is to get them to learn how to think for themselves. This is not the same thing as giving advice or solving a problem for a teen. This is about asking them questions that get them thinking about their situation.
Guiding Learning. A lot happens to a young person during adolescence. A secret: just because it happens to them doesn't mean they learn anything from it. The skill involves asking five questions that guides a person to learn from an experience. Like the above skill, it stimulates critical thinking.
Giving Feedback. Because teens are young and unformed and enduring a difficult time of life, their self-esteem is vulnerable. And low self-esteem can make them susceptible to peer pressure. Criticizing teens makes self-esteem worse and they resent it. Instead, giving feedback, both constructive and positive, focuses on behavior in a way that avoids criticism.
Giving Encouragement. Teens make a lot of mistakes. They have a lot of problems. They fail a lot! They have a lot of bad days. People need encouragement during the teen years more than any other time of life. Encouragement can help young people recover from what they perceive as adversity. If you do it right.
Have I ever known a parent who had all five skills? Sorry, no. When my boys were teens, I had two of the skills. But I rarely used them. And so it goes.
Have I ever known a parent who had just one of these skills? Yes, but rarely. Very rarely.
So this is where we are today. It's a grim situation, and a big part of the problem with teens doesn't lie with the teens at all. It's the parents. They make gross communication mistakes 95% of the time, with awful consequences - problematic parent-teen relationships.
So I'm just going to throw down the gauntlet here. If you're a parent of a teenager, I challenge you to take responsibility to improve the way you interact with your child. A good start would be to click on the links above and learn more about the skills. Another would be to get the free ebook on coaching skills. Depending on how much you care about your teen, you've got work to do.
Also, consider giving one of these books to your teen...
For girls - Conversations with the Wise Aunt
For boys - Conversations with the Wise Uncle
Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength .