The Magic Key to Changing a Harmful Behavior Pattern

Last week, on two separate occasions I spent time with some guy friends. They were very different people, but with one striking similarity: both were significantly overweight and had diabetes issues. And even though they had tried, they hadn't been able to change the eating habits that caused their health problems.

Changing a behavior pattern is hard.

The reason is that if you repeat a behavior enough times, the brain cells involved in the behavior will connect into a physical circuit. Over time, your brain will literally wire itself to make any repeated behavior - whether beneficial or harmful - an easy, unconscious automatic pattern.

How do you change a habit like that, when the brain has wired itself to produce it? Like I said, it's hard.

But even though it's hard, people do break bad habits all the time.

But you really gotta wanna.

Yes, motivation is helpful, but that's not the secret. Even though strong motivation is crucial, there's more to it than that. There's a magic key to changing a behavior pattern.

It starts with understanding how successfully changing a behavior pattern works. The process has four phases.

1. Unconscious incompetence. Your habitual way of doing something is harmful, but you aren't aware that it's causing problems or that there's a better way.

2. Conscious incompetence. Somehow you're made aware that what you're doing is causing problems. The issues that are a consequence of your behavior become obvious. Maybe they cause pain or discomfort. Maybe someone gives you feedback - holds a mirror up to your behavior. You haven't committed to change yet, but you're not blissfully unaware anymore.

3. Conscious competence. You've learned what you should be doing and you're making an effort to change. This effort has to be a conscious decision, because the new way isn't a habit yet. This is challenging because the old way is still an ingrained habit. And because the old way is physically wired in your brain, it won't just unconnect itself and go away, no matter how much you wish it would. The trick is to repeat the new behavior so many times that your brain wires itself for a new, more rewarding habit.

But you're not there yet. So when you're not consciously paying attention to what you're doing, the old habit kicks in automatically. Frustration, regret and discouragement usually follow. I call this the "crunch point," because when it happens most people give up and relax back into their old ways.

4. Unconscious competence. If instead of giving up, you push past your lapses and consciously try again, after a while your success rate will improve. You'll still have occasional lapses, but if you don't give up, if you keep trying, eventually your brain will wire itself for the new habit. This means that doing the right thing will begin to kick in automatically without a conscious effort on your part.

The "secret" is actually quite simple, but it works like magic. It's this: even though your failures are disheartening, don't give up. Keep trying to make that conscious choice to do what you've committed to do. Understand that lapses are an inevitable part of the process and that each time you repeat the behavior, it will make that conscious decision easier, and your success rate will improve.

It will probably take time, but if you don't give up, if you persist past your failures and keep trying, eventually the new pattern will start happening automatically. And you'll become one of the millions of people who've changed a bad habit.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2014. Building Personal Strength .

Use It Or Lose It - An Old Guy's Basketball Story

Our community has a small workout facility, which I sometimes use when I'm too lazy to drive to the downtown gym. Recently I climbed onto the treadmill there and noticed something I hadn't seen before: a fully inflated orange basketball.

Remembering that the tennis court nearby has basketball backboards on both ends, I decided to do something I haven't done in nearly 20 years - shoot hoops for exercise.

It was a cool morning, and I was excited as I dribbled on the sidewalk leading to the tennis court. And I was excited as I took my first shot. I had been away too long! But the ball missed wide to the left, short of the basket. I missed everything. Something was wrong. My excitement evaporated in the morning sun.

I tried again and again, with the same result. I tried some free throws and it was all I could do to bounce it off the rim. I was shocked at my inability to throw the ball into the basket. My skill was gone!

Over 50 years ago, in middle school, I had developed some reasonable shooting skills. I was too small to play on the high school team, so I became an enthusiastic fan, showing up only occasionally for recreational shooting. By the time I was 50, I took up shooting at a nearby court, and much of my skill came back to me. I remember hitting 12 for 12 free throws on one occasion.

But on this morning, almost 20 years later, I couldn't do it. There was no muscle memory to reawaken. All my basketball skills were gone.

I knew what had happened. Most of the brain cell connections involved in shooting, after all those years of no use, had finally died away.

I hadn't used them. So I had lost them.

In my writing I have often said that learning a skill is physical. With enough repetition, the brain cells physically connect, making the skill a comfortable, automatic habit. "There is no delete switch in the brain. The circuits are physical and permanent," as I'm fond of saying. Once the circuit is in place, it doesn't disappear. It remains. Like swimming or riding a bicycle, after not doing it for years, you don't have to learn it all over again. It "comes back to you."

This wonderful survival benefit is true...up to a point. As we age, the brain cells that you don't use can eventually "die" and be absorbed by your body. After decades of disuse, you can end up like I did, with most of the connections gone, and a skill you once had lost forever.

Well not exactly forever. To be exact, I can start over, do the reps, haul myself down to the court and shoot hundreds of baskets until I wire my brain all over again. At the age of 69, realistically I could hit 12 for 12 free throws again. If I do the work, it's possible.

But I would have to pay my dues. Like anyone who wanted to build a skill or change a habit, I'd have to "do the reps." That would take commitment.

And well, you know, I'm not sure that I care that much about regaining my shooting touch. Truth be told, even though I missed nearly all of my shots, I enjoyed myself running around in the cool air, feeling the heat from our star at my back. I was breathing hard and working up a sweat as I ran after my missed shots.

And occasionally a bonus thrill - one of my shots would actually go in the basket.

I think this satisfaction was enough. At this time of my life, I have other work to do, other skills and habits to work on!

Other, more important brain circuits to use, so I don't lose them.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2014. Building Personal Strength .

Why We Get Fat - How I'm Burning Fat Now, Not Storing It

In this space I've written a lot about habit and behavior change. A few months ago I realized my eating habits had caused me to gain so much weight I feared for my health. My best weight is about 165. One pound at a time, I had ballooned to 192. My blue jeans didn't fit anymore. I had a gut.

I tried dieting but it wasn't working the way it used to when I was younger.

My youngest son, who is 41, told me he had lost 20 pounds without dieting or exercise. He had simply changed the way he ate. He explained his approach to me, but it seemed exotic and weird. I didn't think it would work for me.

And then my friend, Meredith Bell, told me that she and her husband had lost a huge amount of weight doing the same thing my son was doing. She recommended I read Why We Get Fat, by Gary Taubes.

The book explains that we put on weight when our bodies store fat rather than burning it for fuel. When we store fat instead of burning it, our active bodies crave more food. And men tend to store fat in their gut.

So what causes our bodies to store fat instead of burning it? The answer is simple: when the insulin level in our blood rises, it signals our fat cells to store fat.

And our insulin levels rise to counter high levels of sugar in our bloodstream. What causes the sugar levels to rise?

Well, one way is by eating sugar! Sucrose from sugar in foods such as desserts and food products made with sugar. Fructose from fruits. And alcohol.

And "fast" carbohydrates. All carbohydrates turn to sugar, but "white" carbs do this as soon as you put them in your mouth! Pasta, potatoes, pizza crust, bread, and rice. Corn and beans have lots of carbohydrate grams, so avoid them, at least initially.

What my son and my friend had done was to eliminate these foods from their diet.

On the other hand, meats - even fatty meats - are fine. So beef, pork, fish, chicken, eggs - protein sources are all good. Even sausage and bacon.

And all green vegetables are fine.

So instead of my usual granola and flax flakes topped with fruit and yoghurt for breakfast, I started eating variations of bacon and eggs with green vegetables. A variety of green salads for lunch. Meat and vegetables for dinner. My wife is a creative cook, so there was no chance of getting bored with this new way of eating.

Instead of watching calories, we got a book that helped us watch our carb intake. Our goal initially: 25 grams of carbs a day.

Two amazing things happened. First, I began losing a pound a week, without any extra exercise. Second, I stopped feeling hungry at noon. I would have skipped lunch, but my wife made me eat anyway, for health reasons.

So, 22 weeks later I had lost 22 pounds. I'm down to 170. Instead of my big gut, I have a small gut. My blue jeans fit again. Now I'm burning the fat I eat, not storing it. If I lose another 5 pounds during the next four months, I figure my gut will be all but gone.

Grocery shopping was a little strange at first. I noticed there was a lot of stuff missing in my shopping cart. No wine. No beer. No bread. No crackers. No cereal. No milk. No yoghurt. No fruit, except for small berries. No potatoes. No beans. No corn. No rice. No pasta. No candy, cakes, pies or desserts of any kind.

In its place: beef, pork, chicken, and seafood. Leafy green vegetables of all kinds. Almonds and canned sardines or smoked oysters for snacks. Soda water and lemons. Tomatoes, peppers and onions. We prefer organic veggies and grass-fed meats. Olive oil and butter.

Weird.

But it works, my brothers and sisters. And Taube's guidelines are endorsed by doctors at the Duke University Medical Center. I've even noticed many of the healthy eating books, programs and websites are now describing the same approach.

This is our routine now and we like it. Of course it helps that we're over sixty and clearly understand that we aren't going to live forever and our health and time with loved ones are all we have.

Six months ago I knew nothing about this. Now I do. Now you do. If you're intrigued, read the book.

FYI - the above is NOT a paid endorsement of the book.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2013. Building Personal Strength .

SUNSHINE - What You Depend on for Life Can Also Kill You

During the summer of 2011 here in the Texas Hill Country, we experienced a record drought. At one point, the temperature reached over 100F 100 days in a row. Whew! Burn bans. Watering restrictions. And much, much worse for ranchers and farmers. They were selling livestock because their feed sources had dried up.

This summer, though, we've had good rain and the burn bans been lifted. So one weekend I went into the back yard to burn some refuse that was stacking up. Even though it was a hot day, I wore a long-sleeved shirt and a broad-billed hat. Why? To protect myself from solar radiation, which can cause melanomas, a deadly skin cancer.

If you like sporting a tan, it's the easiest thing in the world to get one in Texas. Just go outside and do some chores. Only be careful you don't overexpose yourself!

I don't care about having tanned skin, myself. I'm not sure I understand why so many white people want to have brown skin. A huge portion of the world's population already has brown skin, and it doesn't make them any more or less attractive. If there are space aliens out there studying us, I wonder what they make of all this tanning nonsense...

I've asked around, and people say it makes them look more healthy and attractive. Again, I'm not sure I understand. Do they think people will notice their brown skin and think they've been outdoors a lot getting vigorous exercise? Why not just live a healthy lifestyle and be healthy?

Getting a tan is a big deal with a lot of people. Recently my gym was disrupted with some interior construction. So for a while I was greeted with loud riveting noises, long sheets of black plastic hanging from the ceilings, and a detour to the locker room. I asked one of the employees what it was about, and she told me they were constructing two new tanning rooms. Apparently, there were so many people trying to use the four tanning rooms they already had that they decided to build two more.

There's nothing special about tanning beds that make them safer than exposure to the sun's rays. They put out exactly the same type of energy the sun does, often in more intense doses.

We love sunlight. When it's obscured by clouds for too long, we miss it. But sunlight is only another word for solar radiation. It's deadly. To understand why, consider where it comes from.

Our sun is a medium-sized star (over 100 times larger than Earth), and it's doing what all stars do, only 93 million miles away. It consists of unimaginably hot plasma - millions of degrees hot, interlaced with electromagnetic fields. All this heat comes from the thermonuclear energy released when hydrogen atoms in the sun's core are forced by its massive gravity to fuse into helium atoms. In other words, our star produces the equivalent of millions of hydrogen bombs every second. The sun's gravity keeps this energy from blowing itself apart.

But some of this deadly high-energy radiation escapes the sun's gravity and radiates into space at enormous speed, reaching Earth eight minutes later. The reason life on Earth hasn't been destroyed by this perpetual attack is because most of our star's radiation is deflected by our planet's electromagnetic field and diffused by our atmosphere. On the surface, our eyes sense the visible light portion of the residual radiation. We call what we see "daylight."

We don't see the rest of the spectrum, but it's bombarding us anyway. The energy that makes its way to the surface disturbs the atoms that make up our skin. We sense this excitation as warmth. Stand outdoors on a sunny day with one cheek facing the sun, and this cheek will feel warm while the other remains cool.

The radiation enters the skin and is powerful enough to alter its DNA. If your immune system can't get rid of all the mutations caused by this bombardment, cancers can start growing.

The energy that excites the skin triggers it to produce more melanin, a protective substance which darkens the skin. We call this effect a "suntan." And as I said, white people think this makes them more attractive.

So solar radiation - sunlight - can kill you, but it also gives you life. Radiation from our star is involved in photosynthesis, which sustains plant life, the original source of all our food. Photosynthesis also keeps our atmosphere supplied with oxygen, the vital element in air, which we need for life.

We owe our lives to the sun, but only because most of the sun's deadly radiation is deflected and filtered out before it reaches our back yards, lakes, tennis courts, golf courses and beaches. But if you deliberately expose yourself to this radiation for too long, it can kill you.

My lifelong obsession with wanting to know what's really going on has led me to facts like these. Of course ordinary folks don't think about any of this stuff as they head for the tanning room, happily engaged in this cultural nonsense, completely oblivious to the dangers. Yes, the aliens who study us must find us interesting, indeed.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2012. Building Personal Strength .

Physical Strength, Personal Strength - Some of Us Want a Better Life

I was at the grocery store recently when I decided to snap out of it and notice the people around me. After a few minutes I realized that most of the people there looked overweight.

But I already knew that. I've read the reports that say over two-thirds of Americans are overweight. We have an obesity problem in San Antonio, Texas, which is near where I live.

I work out at Planet Fitness six times a week. On occasion I snap out of it and notice the people around me. They are all working hard to become more fit and healthy. I honor them for that. Sometimes I count the number of men and women. Usually there are slightly more women than men on the machines.

There are lots of empty machines. I never have to wait. That's because I've never counted more than 100 people in the gym at any time. This means that only a tiny fraction of the people who need to work on becoming stronger and healthier physically are actually making the effort.

And so it goes.

My business is personal development. I know that practically everyone on the planet needs better interpersonal communication skills. Personal and work relationships are wounded because of this shortcoming, but not many people are trying to improve in this area. I find this amazing, and I think a lot about what could be done to change this situation.

In the world there are many exemplary human beings, but most of us are a mixture of strengths and weaknesses. Most of us need to become stronger as individuals in some way. A secret - doing things well requires know-how and motivation, but you won't achieve your personal or professional goals if you're not good with people and if you're not strong enough to work through adversity. People need to connect better and grow stronger as individuals - more courage, more patience, more compassion, more focus, more composure...the list of personal strengths includes over three dozen vital behavior patterns.

But not many people are consciously working on these core strengths.

Like the good-hearted people around me every morning at the gym, I know that some of us want to be stronger as individuals to live a better life. Like the folks on the treadmills and stationary bikes, they're in the minority. But they're trying. They care about who they are. They want better relationships. They want to be more successful.

My passion is to find ways to make it easier for people to make this happen.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2012. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use photo purchased from fotolia.com)

I Rewire My Brain - I Replace Another Bad Habit with a Good Habit

From Brook Farm...

I was enjoying my shower this morning, when it dawned on me. I was busy scrubbing my back with a long-handled brush, and I wasn't even thinking about it. I hadn't decided to do that. I had just done it. Out of habit.

Hoo!

Six years ago, I arrived in the Texas Hill Country. Practically the first thing I did was to go to the doctor to get a boil on my back treated. He quickly took care of it, and I asked him how these things happen. I wanted to avoid getting another one, if possible. "Hygiene," he said. "Just keep your back clean."

"But I shower every day," I said, somewhat embarrassed.

"Well the boil was in a hard-to-reach place. You may be missing a spot."

My wife suggested that I get a special back brush.

But my back quickly healed and I forgot about it. After all, I shower every day...

Then, two years ago I went to the doctor with another sore on my back. This time it was a cyst. I needed a surgical procedure to remove it. I asked him, "What's the difference between a boil and cyst?" After he explained it, I asked him if there's a way to avoid getting another one.

"Hygiene," he said.

Well, I hated being put under for the procedure, I hated wondering if the cyst would come back, and I hated the medical bills.

So I bought a long-handled back brush. And I used it. For a while, anyway. But it was kind of a hassle, and it didn't feel good on my back. So I stopped using it.

Then one day my wife noticed a zit on my back, in the hard-to-reach area. Took care of that, but it was kind of a last-straw, "scared straight" moment. This little detail of personal hygiene was for real. I had to start using that back brush.

I was motivated. I decided on an effective way to use it and a place for it in my regular shower routine. Every time I stepped into the shower, the first thing I did was reach for the back brush.

There were times I forgot. But I kept after it. I didn't want to have another nasty medical procedure. I consciously reminded myself to start my shower with a thorough scrubbing of my back.

And today I realized that I've rewired my brain. I don't have to think about it anymore. I just do it, automatically.

It feels great to consciously do the work to create an unconscious habit...and succeed.

And I've experienced another related phenomenon - each time you successfully replace a bad habit with a good one, the process gets easier. It's as if you're creating a habit of changing a habit. I've known about this for some time, but it's great to validate it with my own experience.

How cool is that?

I rewire my brain to buckle my seat belt...

I rewire my brain to lose weight...

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2012. Building Personal Strength .

How to Break a Bad Habit - My Story

There's no mystery to breaking a bad habit. What you do is replace it with a good one.

That, as you know, is much easier said than done.

During the past several months, several factors conspired to cause me to gain weight. I'm not obese. But I'm usually in fairly decent physical condition, and I had gained more weight than I've ever gained in my life. The culprit - the onset of football and basketball seasons, along with the temptation to really enjoy the games by snacking and drinking beer or wine. Then I got an ankle injury, which made it hard to exercise. And finally, the holiday season. Big holiday dinners, sweets and alcoholic drinks being shoved in my face. I got on the scales, sucked in most of the air in the bathroom, and resolved to lose weight.

That meant breaking some bad habits.

I know how this works. I know what to do. It has to do with performing the right action enough times that my brain is reprogrammed to do the right thing automatically. Habit, pattern, routine, skill. The brain doesn't care what you call it. Do it enough times, and the brain cells are stimulated to wire together.

There are two kinds of decisions.

• A-type. The kind you make automatically, without having to think about it, because your brain cells are physically connected to make you respond that way. This is called a habit.
• B-type. The kind you make by consciously thinking about what to do - the alternatives, the consequences and the payoffs.

The way you establish an A-type decision pattern is to make a B-type decision often enough to stimulate your neurons to wire together. By the way, the brain doesn't care if the pattern is a good one or a bad one. Either way, do it enough times and the brain cells involved in the pattern will physically connect. Do anything more than once and you're on your way. Keep on doing it that way, and it will become a habit.

Something else is a key part of the process. In the beginning of establishing a new habit, you'll hit a wall of discouragement. Because it's not an ingrained habit yet, you may forget to do it. Or you may not do it very well. And progress is slow. This is frustrating. But it takes time to rewire the brain cells. I call this the "crunch point," because a lot of people quit at this point. They say screw it and go back to an their old, well-established habit.

The key is to keep trying. Try again in spite of failure and frustration - try again and again - to do it right. It helps to have a powerful motivator, a strong reason to persist. And help from others - in the form of feedback, coaching, encouragement and accountability.

My motivators - I didn't like the way I looked. And Type II diabetes - brought on by obesity - killed my overweight mother.

Charles Barkley is right about Weight Watchers. Their support system includes all of the above elements. But I've licked this problem on my own before, and I know I can do it again.

A crisis point came when my wife left to visit her aging parents. My support system was gone for a spell. If I gave in to temptation, I'd be reinforcing the old pattern instead of the new one.

I was left to rely on my own personal strengths - focus, commitment, perseverance, self-awareness, and yes - integrity. Put all that together and you can call it will power.

So what happened? I'll tell you what happened. When my wife returned, I had to get on the scales. I was held accountable. You know, the numbers don't lie.

Thank goodness I weighed one pound less than the week before.

I'm still working on it. I haven't reached my goal, my ideal weight. But it's getting easier to say no to the bad things and yes to the good things. My brain really is reprogramming itself.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2012. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use image purchased from fotolia.com)

Teen Boys and Sex - How Girls Can Set Boundaries

The book, Conversations with the Wise Aunt, is now available as a Kindle ebook. In the chapter, "A Nice Way to Say No," Aunt Maria explains to her niece, Trisha, how boys are different from girls when it comes to attitudes about sex. This brief excerpt is about how a teenage girl can set boundaries.

"The desire to have sex is a physical urge caused by the presence of the hormone testosterone. The more testosterone you have in your body, the stronger the urge to have sex. It’s biology. This is true for both men and women. Testosterone production is one of the body changes you experience as a teenager. It’s why you start thinking about sex at this age.”

“So if both boys and girls are starting to think about sex, what’s the difference?”

“The difference is that boys have ten times as much testosterone as girls.”

“Wow! They must have sex on their brains a lot.”

“Honey, you have no idea. It’s true that girls think about sex from time to time; but for most boys, thinking about sex is like background music playing in their minds a lot of the time.”

“It’s hard to imagine.”

“Yes. You don’t feel about sex the same way they do. Which is why I wanted to talk with you. To manage your relationships with boys, there are some things you need to do.”

“I’m all ears.”

“Okay. First of all, you need to be the one who sets boundaries in a relationship.”

“Boundaries? What kind of boundaries?”

“I’ll explain, but first do you mind if I ask you a couple questions about Michael?”

“Sure, go ahead.”

“Do you like him in a romantic way? Is he a boyfriend?”

“No. He’s nice. I haven’t known him very long, and I don’t think he’s interested in me that way. It’s just a lot of fun learning the guitar from him.”

“Is that okay with you? You don’t want him to be your boyfriend?”

“Not really. He’s a little old for me.”

“So you’ve set some boundaries with him.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean it sounds like you’ve decided you want to do certain things with Michael, such as learn to play the guitar. But you draw the line at other things, like kissing or dating.”

Trisha went silent. She frowned as she looked at her fingernails.

“Did I say something that upset you?”

“No. It’s just that I haven’t thought about Michael like that.”

“We don’t need to talk about this now if you don’t want. Does it make you feel uncomfortable?”

“No, it’s all right.”

“I only mentioned Michael because you said he was sweet. Usually when a girl says that, she really likes the boy. Has he ever kissed you?”

Trisha glanced over at her aunt, and then began examining her fingernails again.

“He did try to kiss me once, but I didn’t know if I wanted him to, so I asked him to stop.”

“And did he?”

“Yes. We talked about it. He said I was pretty and sometimes he just felt like kissing me. I told him it scared me a little and maybe we better not. So he never tried it again. But I think he probably wants to.”

“How about you? Do you want to?”

“I’ve imagined kissing him. It might be exciting, but I keep thinking I’d better not.”

“Why not?” said Aunt Maria.

“I don’t know. Maybe I’m not ready.”

“Well, Honey, I think that’s a very honest answer. And I think your instincts are natural and good. It’s a good thing to like boys, and it’s natural to want to kiss a boy you care about.”

“But I don’t think about Michael that way.”

“I understand. I’m sure Michael is a fine young man, but from his point of view you’re a really pretty girl, and physically you’re more mature than most girls your age. So when he’s with you, I guarantee that he has thoughts about sex. As I said, it’s nothing against him. It’s the way the male body works.”

“I want it to be about the guitar, not sex.”

“It can be, Trisha. Michael’s not an animal. He has urges, but he’s an intelligent human being. He has the ability to think and make choices. He can control his behavior.”

“But will he?”

“That’s where boundaries come in. You not only need to draw the line for yourself, you need to tell him where the line is. You tell him what you want and don’t want. For example, with Michael you could say something like, ‘I want you to know you’re a terrific person, and I love coming over to learn from you. To me, you’re like the older brother I wish I had. And that’s how I’d like it to stay between us. Not boyfriend-girlfriend. No more kissing or anything. I like our friendship just the way it is, and I don’t want to change it. I hope you feel the same way.’ Something like that. You draw the line. You make sure he knows what’s okay and what’s not okay. Basically, it’s saying no, but in the nicest possible way. Do you think you can do that?”

“I think so.”

“This doesn’t mean you should go through your whole life as a teenager without getting kissed. After all, you might care about a boy sometime.”

“I hope so,” said Trisha. “When the time comes I want to go on dates and maybe even have a boyfriend.”

“That will happen someday. The thing is, when it does you want to know how to handle any situation. Sexual feelings are strong, and if you’re kissing and petting, the two of you could get carried away. It happens all the time.”

“I’ll have to draw the line.”

“Exactly. But where?”

“It seems to me that kissing is no big deal.”

“Personally, I think kissing is a big deal, in a nice way. But kissing can get pretty steamy. It can quickly lead to touching. And once you get excited, it’s hard to say no. If you don’t want him to do this, you have to draw the line at kissing.”

“But it must be awkward talking with a guy about this.”

“You wouldn’t bring it up when you’re first getting to know each other. But later, if you realize you have feelings for each other, he might want touch you where you don’t want to be touched. He might want to have sex. You need to be the one to tell him what’s okay and what’s not okay. Your boyfriend probably won’t be the one to set limits. Most boys aren’t made that way. They want to get past first base.”

“What do you mean?”

“That’s how a lot of boys talk about it with each other. First base is kissing. Second base is sexual touching. They get to third base when they get her pants off. You can guess what home plate is all about.”

“Gross.”

“When a teenage boy pushes a girl to have sex, he may be sweet and say things about love. But for most boys the real goal isn’t a long-term relationship. What he wants, deep down, is to have sex. For him, it’s like climbing a mountain. When he finally reaches the top, he’s satisfied. He’s done. In fact, it often happens that the boy loses interest in the girl after he has sex with her, because he got what he wanted. This would make any girl feel awful, because she thought the relationship meant more than that.

“And just as bad, some boys like talking about their sexual experiences with their friends. Then the story can passed along until a lot people know. This would change how people think about the girl. It could damage her reputation.”

“Oh, Aunt Maria, is it really this way?”

“I’m afraid so. Later, when boys mature into men, the good ones have learned more about women and how to treat them right. Sex is a wonderful thing. But there are risks, and you need to take charge of your relationships.”

For girls - Conversations with the Wise Aunt


For boys - Conversations with the Wise Uncle


Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use image purchased from istockphoto.com)

Eva Kor and Josef Mengele - Forgiving the Angel of Death

Dr. Josef Mengele

Dr. Josef Mengele was the evil German SS officer and physician known as the "Angel of Death" at the Auschwitz concentration camp during World War II. The purpose of the camp was to implement Hitler's "Final Solution." Jews and other people deemed undesirable were brought there by trains, and thousands were killed each day.

Mengele was a cold-blooded mass murderer. He met the trains and selected people for his grisly experiments. One of his pet projects was doing experimental medical procedures on sets of twins. He tested the effects of germ and chemical warfare agents. At the conclusion of each experiment, he killed the children and performed comparative autopsies on them. He tortured about 1,500 sets of twins. Only about 100 pairs of twins survived.

Eva Kor at Navarro H.S.

I recently met one of the survivors, 77-year-old Eva Mozes Kor. Eva, not quite five feet tall, is a highly energetic, articulate and straightforward woman with a rich sense of humor. She spoke in front of a group of middle school and high school students in the Navarro High School gymnasium about 25 miles south of Austin, Texas. She has made it her life's work to spread a message of peace and humanity to the world.

Her presentation had two parts. The second part was her story of how she came to forgive Mengele, the man who tortured and abandoned her to die, and all the other Nazis.

But first she described what happened to her at the camp, which helps people understand the magnitude of what she forgave. No doubt you've heard the stories and seen the films about the horror of the death camps. The reality was much worse than that. If you want to know about it, I encourage you to get a copy of Eva Kor's book, Surviving the Angel of Death: The Story of a Mengele Twin in Auschwitz (Tanglewood, 2009). By her account, she survived simply because she refused to die.

How she came to forgive Mengele and her other tormentors is an interesting story. About 20 years ago she was asked to speak to a group of doctors at Boston College. They asked her if she could bring one of the Nazi doctors with her. She didn't even know if any of them were still alive, but the request intrigued her. So she checked and found one living in Germany. In 1993 she visited him. To her surprise, the man treated her with humility, kindness and respect. When she asked him if he knew what was happening at Auschwitz, he said, "This is the nightmare I live with," and described how the Jews were killed. He didn't want to go with her to speak, but he agreed to sign a document.

Eva wanted to thank the doctor, but she didn't know how. Ultimately, she decided that she would give him a letter of forgiveness. It took her four months to write it, and in it she forgave everyone who ever hurt her. She even forgave herself for her hard feelings toward her parents. She even forgave Hitler.

It wasn't easy to do this. For one thing, the other surviving twins were angry with her. They misunderstood, thinking that Eva's gesture put a favorable light on the Nazis. But Eva experienced a surprising personal benefit. This is what she says on her website:

I believe with every fiber of my being that every person has the human right to live with or without the pain of the past, and that it is a personal choice. My question is, "How many people would choose to live with pain, when they could heal from it?"

I do believe that this healing is possible through the act of FORGIVENESS, and I believe in FORGIVENESS as the ultimate act of self healing, and self-empowerment. once a person decides to forgive, there is a tremendous feeling of wholeness in thought, spirit and action all moving in the same direction creating a powerful force for healing and freedom.

My forgiving the Nazis is a gift of freedom I gave myself, a gift of peace for myself. It is also a gift of peace for everybody who wants it. Both peace and war begin in the heart and mind of one person. Pain and anger are the SEEDS for WAR. FORGIVENESS is the SEED for PEACE!

When one human being harms another, the perpetrator lives with the burden of guilt. To atone, he or she can admit responsibility, resolve never to do it again, make restitution, apologize and ask for forgiveness. When the victim expresses forgiveness, some of that burden may be lifted.

Whether the guilty one does any of these things, however, the victim experiences a burden as well. It's the burden of pain and anger. The only thing that can lift this burden is forgiveness. "Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. It's an act of self-healing, self liberation, and self-empowerment," Eva explained to the students. "What was done no longer defines who I am. I let go of anger and bitterness."

It takes strength to forgive. You decide to stop nurturing hate, resentment, bitterness and other bad feelings about what happened. When you do, the burden is lifted from your heart and mind. What happened in the past stops being a part of your present and your future. You walk away from the incident, leaving it in the past.

Eva Kor - "I have no more nightmares. I can talk about it and I can joke about it, and it doesn't bother me."

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength . (Photo of Mengele in public domain. 2011 photo of Eva Kor by Kathleen Scott, used with permission.)

Chronic Depression - Two Wonderful Movies

I know someone who once struggled with chronic depression. It was caused by chemical imbalances in her brain, not by problems in her life. She was very self-aware and referred to her condition as "sadness-for-no-reason." Ultimately, she learned how to manage it and is now quite a cheerful person. And one of my personal heroes.

Millions of people suffer from this debilitating condition, and dealing with it requires enormous strength and support from people who care. Not everyone deals with it the same way. Not everyone prevails.

Recently I saw two extraordinary movies, both quite different, which were about people who were afflicted with chronic depression. One of them was "The Beaver" (2011), starring Mel Gibson and Jodie Foster (directed by Jodie Foster). Walter Black, the CEO of a toy company, suffers from chronic depression. His teen son is disturbed by his father's behavior and worries that he will end up being like his dad. His wife decides she can't live with it anymore. On the brink of committing suicide, Walter creates an optimistic alter ego in the form of a beaver hand puppet, who speaks for him and gives him pep talks. This weird solution creates its own problems. A very different story!

The other movie is "Off the Map" (2003) one of the best movies I've seen in years. I'll go out on a limb and call it a perfect movie in every way. Each of the characters in the film are so real that the movie seems to be about each of them. The story is about a family that subsists off the grid in the spectacular country outside Taos, New Mexico. Sam Elliot is the father, Charley, who says in one of his rare spoken lines, "I'm a damn crying machine." His pre-teen daughter Bo is creative, energetic and persistently hopeful. Joan Allen is the mother, whose unrelenting patience and love holds the family together. One day they are visited by a young I.R.S. agent whose mission is to settle unpaid taxes. But he is enthralled by the beauty of the place and is absorbed into the family. So it's a story about the real nature of spirituality, coming of age, parenting, love, freidnship, overcoming depression, and civilization vs. nature. It has a slow pace, no sex, no chases, no good vs. evil. But wondering what would happen to these fascinating people kept me on the edge of my seat until the conclusion.

For all of you Netflix addicts, enjoy.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength .

Get Past the 'Crunch Point' - The Key to Changing Behavior

What's the "crunch point"?

Say you're trying to change the way you eat. Or maybe you're trying to quit smoking. Or maybe you'd like to cut back on alcohol. Or you're just trying to change the way you do something.

The problem is, you already do it a certain way and have been doing it that way for a long time. By now, it's an ingrained habit, which means that brain cells are physically wired in a circuit that enables the old habit. So during the ordinary course of events, you'll do things the old way automatically, without thinking.

To change the habit, you have to catch yourself when you're about to do it the old way, and then decide to do something different, something better. Not just once, but time after time. Because it takes dozens of repetitions of the new behavior to rewire your brain. And if you don't rewire your brain, the old habit will remain and govern your behavior.

But there's a problem. Because the old habit is already ingrained, and the new one isn't, you'll forget a lot. Or you won't carry out the new way effectively. You'll fail most of the time, and you'll get discouraged. You may think it's too hard and not working, so why not just relax and fall back on what seems to come natural - the old way.

THIS IS THE CRUNCH POINT. You could give up. Stop trying. Which means that you'll fall off the wagon, you won't lose the weight, you'll start smoking regularly again, you'll have another drink, or you'll continue with the bothersome way of doing things. Every year, the crunch point causes millions of people to give up on their efforts to create healthier, more effective habits.

The key is to keep trying, even though you're failing most of the time. Push past the crunch point. Because the more you do something, the easier it gets. The repetitions will eventually cause your brain to rewire itself.

This will help...

1. Remember the crunch point. It helps to realize that early difficulty and frustration are natural, and that you just have to push past it.

2. Just keep trying. Every time you do the right thing, your brain is stimulated to rewire itself. Remember that you need to repeat the action dozens of times before it becomes an ingrained habit.

3. Acknowledge incremental progress. At the crunch point, you're probably doing it right only 10% of the time. Keep trying and take note when your success rate climbs to 20%, then 30%. After a while, you'll be doing it right 90% of the time, and higher.

4. Get friends to coach you and encourage you.

Don't let discouragement defeat you. Remember that failure is a natural part of the process of changing behavior.

Video about this...


Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use image purchased from fotolia.net)

Teen Smoking - Jason Gets an Earful from His Uncle

Jason and Uncle Earl were sitting on folding chairs in front of his uncle’s open garage door. They were cleaning and oiling tools.

“You don’t smoke, do you, Uncle Earl?”

“No, I don’t. I’ve never had one puff of a cigarette. Not once. I did smoke a pipe once, though. For a while. And I’ve puffed a few cigars. But I didn’t inhale. And I got high on marijuana once.”

“What was that like?”

“I didn’t like what it did to my brain. It screwed up my perception and made it hard to think straight. It took two days for the effects to wear off. Also, I later found out that using it regularly can damage your brain. Permanently. So I never tried it again, and I don’t plan to. Why do you ask?”

“Some of the guys at school offered me a cigarette.”

“Did you try it?”

“I said no thanks.”

“Good for you. Cigarettes are addictive. It’s amazingly easy to get hooked, and it’s amazingly hard to quit. I know people who’ve tried to quit several times and couldn’t do it. Smoking affects your lungs. It makes it harder to breathe. That’s why most athletes don’t smoke. It causes lung cancer and increases your chance for heart disease. Plus it’s nasty. Cigarette smoke clings to your clothes, your house, your car. People can smell you several feet away. It’s a crazy, disgusting habit.”

“Then why do people smoke?”

“I told you, they’re addicted.”

“But if it’s so bad for you, why did they start doing it?”

“Why do you think, Jason?”

“I guess they thought it’s cool to smoke.”

“That’s probably why your friends do it. Kids don’t think about the getting addicted part when they start smoking. Maybe they see adults smoking and figure it’s an adult thing to do. What do you think, Jason? Do you think smoking cigarettes makes your friends seem more like adults?”

“Most of the kids I know don’t smoke. But one of my friends asked if I wanted to try it.”

“Were you tempted?”

“I was curious. But I knew my parents would go ballistic if they caught me smoking. I knew you wouldn’t like it.”

“That’s right, Jason. I’d be pretty disappointed. It’s such a stupid thing to do. It’s like committing slow suicide. I knew a woman who died of lung cancer. She was fifteen years younger than I am. And expensive! Do you know how much it costs to support a cigarette habit?”

“No.”

“If you smoke a pack a day, it adds up to over a thousand dollars a year. It’s not uncommon for a smoker to go through two packs a day. That would run you about three thousand dollars a year. You got that kind of money, Jason?”

"I wonder where my friend gets the money.”

“Who knows? Maybe he has a job. Maybe his parents give him the money. It’s crazy.”

“I’m never going to smoke.”

“That would be a good idea. If you’re going to get addicted to something, get addicted to exercise. Get addicted to travel. Get addicted to learning. A lot of people do. Get addicted to something that builds you up, not tears you down.”

This excerpt is taken from my book for teen boys, Conversations with the Wise Uncle.

A similar book for girls - Conversations with the Wise Aunt.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use photo purchased from fololia.net)

What on Earth is ProStar Coach? - The Gym Analogy

ProStar Coach is an online virtual coaching system to help you work on people skills and personal strengths. Because it's a brand new, really different learning technology, at first some people don't get what it is. So I find it helpful to use an analogy. It's a lot like working on physical strengths in a gym.

Let me explain...

First of all, for the sake of their health, everyone needs to be physically fit. But not everyone thinks physical fitness is important. Not everyone wants to improve themselves in this way. But many people understand the benefits to their health, and they're willing to do something about it - even if they've never worked on becoming physically stronger before.

Because it is possible to improve your physical strength. It is possible to improve your health.

Now it may be enlightening to read about it, to watch a training video or to listen to the advice of an expert. But these things, by themselves, will not make you stronger.

It's not about knowledge and understanding. It's about working specific muscles. If you want to get physically stronger, you have to do the work. You have to do the repetitions.

You'll see real results, but they won't happen overnight. But if you keep coming back to the gym and if you stick to your routine for several weeks, you'll start to feel and see differences in your body.

This means the key is to make going to the gym and doing the exercises a habit. If you don't, it will be all too easy to sometimes forget, make excuses or blow it off. And if you do that, you won't get a payoff for your membership.

Sound about right? 

Well, working on the core strengths of who you are as a person works the same way...

First of all, for the sake of their success in relationships and work, everyone needs to be strong as a person. But not everyone thinks personal strengths and people skills are important. Not everyone wants to improve themselves in this way. But many people understand the benefits to their success in relationships and work, and they're willing to do something about it. Even if they've never worked on becoming stronger as a person before.

Because it is possible to improve your people skills and personal strengths. It is possible to be more successful.
Now it may be enlightening to read about it, to watch a training video or to listen to the advice of an expert. But these things, by themselves, will not make you stronger.

It's not about knowledge and understanding. It's about working specific areas of personal strength and people skills. If you want to get stronger as a person, you have to do the work. You have to do the repetitions.

You'll see real results, but they won't happen overnight. But if you keep coming back to the ProStar Coach virtual gym and if you stick to your routine for several weeks, you'll start to feel and see differences in your behavior.

This means the key is to make going to ProStar Coach and doing the exercises a habit. If you don't, it will be all too easy to sometimes forget, make excuses or blow it off. And if you do that, you won't get a payoff for your membership.

I hope this was helpful. There's more info online if you want it.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength .

If You Don't Find the Balance, the Stress Will Kill You

When a deer is startled by a predator, it will bolt and run at high speed until it feels it's safe. Then guess what it does next. It finds a protected area and takes a long nap. It will sleep until it gets its energy back.

This is because when the fight-or-flight response is triggered, the deer's body is shocked by adrenaline and its system is under stress while it copes with danger. This expends a huge amount of energy.

In the human body, this coping mechanism is supported by the sympathetic nervous system. Another system, called the parasympathetic nervous system, takes over when the body is at rest. Under the stress of daily life, the body uses itself up. During rest, the body repairs, regenerates and builds itself back up.

Stress is good because it makes us focus energy to deal with the challenges of life. But unrelieved stress is bad. Without some rest and relaxation, the body's immune system can't do its work. This is why working too hard and too long without relief can make you sick. The immune system gets weak, damage doesn't get repaired and disease has an opportunity to grow in your body.

When Andrew Weil, M.D., said "The human body will heal itself if you give it half a chance," this is what he was talking about. By the way, if you've never read his book, Spontaneous Healing, you should. He's a traditional physician who opened his mind to study alternative medicine, and this is his report.

Years ago, a good friend had a stressful sales job in a big city. There weren't many women in her career field at the time, and she was under constant pressure to produce. She told me that she would sometimes come home late from work so exhausted that she'd get our of the car, go to her back yard and lie on the ground to "decompress."

Even though she lived a healthy lifestyle - she swam, lifted weights and jogged regularly, plus she was a health-food nut - eventually she got breast cancer. There may have been other factors, but she believes the unrelieved stress of her job may have allowed the cancer to get a foothold in her body. She has since recovered and has changed careers.

In 1998 my wife, Kathleen, and I moved from Miami Beach to Vero Beach, Florida. We bought the home from a couple in their 60s who were moving to a residential retirement community.

The house was perfect for us. It was on the market for only a few days when we offered the owners full price. We hired a home inspector and arranged a visit with the owners. As we walked from room to room with the inspector, we learned more about the house. After only 15 minutes, the man came into the bedroom and said, "You've got to leave."

"We'll be gone shortly," I said. "Another 15 minutes ought to do it."

"No, I want you out right now. You've been here long enough, and I want you out. If you're still here five minutes from now, I'll call the police."

This was a surprising turn of events. We needed time to finish our inspection, so we picked up the pace. But sure enough, as we walked out the front door, a patrol car pulled up in front of the house.

Later that week, the owner agreed to let us finish the inspection, and eventually we closed and moved in. When we met our new neighbors across the street, they told us that the couple wasn't well liked. They seemed to have it in for everybody, and they were hard to get along with.

Two weeks later, we learned that the woman had died unexpectedly. A month after that, her husband died.

Anger produces a stress response. If you're angry all the time and never let it go, it can prevent the parasympathetic nervous system from kicking in so the immune system can regenerate and do its work. I believe the two of them were essentially killed by their own anger. Eventually their bodies got so weak they couldn't self-repair and they failed.

Most of the people I talk to are passionate, obsessive, success-oriented high achievers. The smart ones also achieve a balance between work and their personal lives. They take time off. They know how to relax and feel joy. They rest, recuperate and then return to striving fully energized.

If you're like the deer, you'll feel that shock of adrenaline, turn on the energy and take care of business. But I hope you have the wisdom to rest when you're tired. Find a protected area, curl up and let go of all the striving.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength .

Instant Bliss on a Kauai Beach - Recharge with This HD Video

One of the most famous kisses of all time - Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr in the movie, "From Here to Eternity" (1953).

Locals say the kiss took place on a beach on the east coast of Kauai. I've seen the beach and we're talking maximum serenity. That's a long way to go for bliss. You can get it right now with this 6-minute HD video of Kauai's beaches.

Actually, the scene was filmed at Halona Cove Beach in Oahu, HI. But I like this beach better!



Recharge those batteries...

More - The Beaches of Maui...

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength .

In Praise of Friendship - Live Long and Prosper

Greeting me one morning on Yahoo's home page was a self-help article with an alluring title: "5 Ways to Cheat Death."

Who wouldn't like to do that?

One of the five ways is to "Make Relationships Last." BYU professor Julianne Holt-Lunstad, Ph.D., gives two reasons. The first, "Social support is linked to better immune function." That makes sense, because knowing there are people who care enough about you to help you through tough times can relieve stress; and stress makes it hard for your immune system to regenerate.

Her second theory is that having friends may mean that "you're likely to take fewer risks that endanger those worthwhile relationships."

Can you imagine a life with no friends? The mere thought is stressful! So does social networking help us live longer?

For thousands of years, wise people have affirmed the primal importance of friendship...

"Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together." - Woodrow Wilson, American president (1856-1924)

“The best time to make friends is before you need them.” - Ethel Barrymore, American actress (1879-1959)

"Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship." - Dalai Lama, Tibetan religious leader (1935- )

"Friends are the sunshine of life." - John Hay, American diplomat (1838-1905)

“Of all the things which wisdom provides to make life entirely happy, much the greatest is the possession of friendship.” - Epicurus, Greek philosopher (341-270 B.C.)

"Music I heard with you was more than music, and bread I broke with you was more than bread." - Conrad Aiken, American poet (1889-1973)

"There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship." - Thomas Aquinis, Italian theologian (1225-1274)

“Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods.” - Aristotle, Greek philosopher (B.C. 384-322)

“Tell me what company you keep, and I'll tell you what you are.” - Miguel de Cervantes, Spanish novelist (1547-1616)

"Love is flowerlike, friendship is a sheltering tree." - Samuel Taylor Coleridge, British poet (1772-1834)

"There is no hope of joy except in human relations." - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, French author (1900-1944)

“A friend might well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson, American philosopher (1803-1882)

"My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me." - Henry Ford, American business leader (1863-1947)

"Your friend is your needs answered." - Kahlil Gibran, Lebanese poet (1883-1931)

“When you die, if you've got five real friends, you've had a great life.” - Lee Iacocca, American business leader (1924- )

"A man, sir, should keep his friendship in a constant repair." - Samuel Johnson, British essayist (1709-1784)

"I get by with a little help from my friends." - John Lennon, British songwriter (1940-1980)

"The better part of one's life consists of his friendships." - Abraham Lincoln, American president (1809-1865)

"Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart." - Eleanor Roosevelt, American diplomat (1884-1962)

“No man is useless while he has a friend.” - Robert Lewis Stevenson, Scottish novelist (1850-1894)

"Fine friendship requires duration rather than fitful intensity." - Aristotle, Greek philosopher (B.C. 384-322)

“Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything.” - Muhammad Ali, American boxer (1942- )

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use photo purchased from us.fotolia.com)

Peggy Cloar's Quest to Make the Best Chocolate in the World

I was sitting in High's Cafe in Comfort, Texas, enjoying two of my favorite things in life. One was a really good chicken salad sandwich. It wasn't the absolute best I've ever tasted. But it was way up there. Unlike any chicken salad sandwich I've ever eaten, it was made with big chunks of free-range chicken in a tangy sour cream and mayo sauce. 

This made it hard to concentrate on the other favorite thing, which was a passionate woman I've come to call "The Chocolate Lady," who was talking nonstop about the special artisan dark chocolate she's created. Her name is Peggy Cloar, the founder of High Street Chocolate (see http://www.highstreetchocolate.com).

"Studies have shown that dark chocolate is one of the healthiest foods on the planet," she said. "It's because it has such a high level of antioxidants, which prevent cell damage that leads to age-related diseases like diabetes and heart disease. In fact, chocolate has the highest ORAC (Oxygen Radical Absorbance Capacity) value known to man. Twice the antioxidants of red wine and three times the antioxidants in green tea. And the fats found in cocoa are actually healthy fats, the same oleic acid found in olive oil."

She mentioned other health benefits, but I kind of blanked out for a minute there when I took another bite of my chicken salad sandwich.

"It all depends on how it's made," she said. "Dark chocolate should be about 70% cocoa solids. The rest is sugar with some soy lecithin. But most makers use cocoa butter for half the chocolate content. Cocoa butter is derived from chocolate liquor, which is the fermented, pressed chocolate nibs. Many chocolate makers saturate their chocolate with processed sugars to make it sweeter, which reduces manufacturing costs."

She was intense and animated as she talked a mile a minute about how she came to care about chocolate so much. She was working on a brownie recipe. An exacting cook, she couldn't find a commercial chocolate she liked, so she began experimenting with making her own. This led her to discover how chocolate is made. 

Eventually she hit upon a blend of 60% cocoa, 10% cocoa butter and 30% of her own proprietary sugar compound. Plus a dash of Tahitian vanilla. She's secretive about what she does to the sugar, but she claims she made it more potent, so she doesn't need to use as much of it. 

I tried some samples. The regular dark chocolate lingered on my tongue in a succession of flavors - first a deep richness that reminded me of velvet, then a hint of floral-citrus and a finish of the best caramel-vanilla. The espresso, made with beans she ground herself, lived up to its name. She also had orange- and mint-flavored dark chocolate bars. This was some really good chocolate. And it was different. 

At more than $20 per 8-ounce box, you don't pass this stuff out to kids on Halloween night. You enjoy it with fine wine.

But what impressed me most was Peggy. Here was this woman who, after the world had been making chocolate for centuries, had embarked on a quest to make a better chocolate bar. Better for you, and delicious. She was a chocolate techie, going up against Hershey, Nestles, Godiva and the other big boys. But what she had accomplished was so highly technical that the ordinary chocolate-eater would need some education to appreciate what they were paying for.

It reminded me of my own business. In my life, I've created MindFrames, a breakthrough personality assessment, better because it's based on recent neuroscience. I created 20/20 Insight, a breakthrough feedback technology, better because it's easier to use, more versatile and more affordable than any other. And now I've created ProStar Coach, a breakthrough online self-directed learning and development system, better because it facilitates long-term reinforcement of skills and also focuses on building personal strength. It also features a unique coaching network, and a breakthrough feedback technology. But all these innovations defied the status quo, so Ihad some explaining to do.

There I go, about to get techie on you, just like The Chocolate Lady. My heart went out to her. She's really onto something, but she not only has the challenge of making superb chocolate, she has to figure out how to explain her achievement to people who just want that chocolate high and who are reluctant to try something different. 

In my heart, I said a blessing for Peggy and for all the people who are trying to make something better in the world. We benefit from their passionate pioneering, but it isn't easy to go against the grain.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength . (Photos by Kathleen Scott, used with permission)

Spinal Stabilization - An Easy Way to End to Lower Back Pain

This post is a little bit of a departure. Instead of writing about personal strength, I'm writing about physical strength.

About five years ago, I had chronic low back pain. It made my life miserable for more than ten years. Any sudden movement would cause the pain to return and last for days while I took pain killers and tried various remedies.

I tried everything. My doctor said the cartilage in my spine had deteriorated with age, which is normal. Also, I had arthritis in my lower back, which is common. I went to a chiropractor, who administered a series of "adjustments," with no improvement. Occasional sessions in a hot tub provided only temporary relief. I bought an expensive new mattress, but my condition persisted. One day, I got the brilliant idea that a professional back massage might help. That almost crippled me. The one thing that actually helped was yoga, because some of the poses tended to strengthen my core muscles.

A friend of mine recommended that I see an osteopath. After examining me, he told me to do two things. First, I needed to correct my posture. This put me on the defensive, because I  learned perfect posture at West Point. I had consciously practiced it during my military career. But it turned out that he was right. I had regressed since my retirement in 1987.

What I learned from the osteopath was that correct posture was linked to strengthening my "core" muscles. He gave me a few pages from a book called Spinal Stabilization: The New Science of Back Pain, 2nd Edition, by Rick Jemmett. Instead of studying the sheets, I ordered my own copy of the book and read it.

The first five chapters - about 50 pages - explain the dynamics of low back pain and prescribe basic exercises. Because it isn't written in technical language, it's easy read and understand. I followed the instructions carefully. The exercises are so simple I did them on my own without going to physical therapy. The book suggests using an inflated ball, and I bought one at Walmart.

But I discovered that a five-minute session of isometrics sitting at my desk does the job, so I never used it. All I do is sit on the front edge of my chair, posture perfectly erect; then I lift my feet about six inches off the ground. This engages the inner abdominal and inner back muscles. I concentrate on tightening these muscles for a few minutes - twice a day. In one month, my back pain was gone, and it has never returned. For me, strengthening the core muscles is the answer! It's not the answer for some sufferers, but it's probably the answer for most.

The book explains why. Most people have very weak core muscles. The abdomen and the back have two layers of muscle. The outer layers of muscle are massive and strong. The inner muscles are smaller and grip the spinal column. When the inner back and inner abdomen muscles (the "core" muscles) are strong, they keep the vertebrae from moving and rubbing against each other, which is what causes the pain and inflammation known as low back pain.

Most "crunches" and resistance machines exercise the outer muscles, not the core muscles. These can be strong even if the inner muscles are weak. The outer muscles will try to compensate for weak core muscles, but they aren't designed to do that. They're too strong, and when they grab suddenly, they can make bones in the spine move against each other, causing pain.

Compared to the author's explanation, my brief summary here doesn't do the subject justice. You should read the book for yourself.

The question is, are you in enough pain to read 50 pages and try some simple exercises? If so, for the price of a paperback book you can see if this works for you. Most people will be helped, as I was. Even if you're in the minority whose condition is more complicated, strengthening core muscles will not aggravate your condition.

I wholeheartedly recommend that you read the book. If you do click on the link and buy the book from Amazon, please understand that I have no material connection with the author or Amazon and will receive no affiliate commission. The book helped me, and if it can help you and others, that's why I'm sharing this information.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

The Personal Strength of Optimism - Sea Hearts Full of Hope

One of the items in Kathleen’s karma bowl is her favorite sea bean. About an inch-and-a-half in diameter, it's smooth, hard, dark brown and shaped like a heart. Next to her karma bowl is another bowl, full of these heart-shaped sea beans.

When we lived in Miami Beach and the Atlantic Ocean was only four blocks away, we would walk on the beach several times a week. Usually we’d walk briskly, for the exercise. Sometimes we would stroll, enjoying the air, the ocean, the people and whatever we discovered in the sand.

On occasion we'd find another of these heart-shaped sea beans. Kathleen would exclaim with pleasure, examine it and put it in her pocket. She saved every one, cleaning and polishing each before putting it with the others in her collection. Once, when her latest treasure kept rolling off the top, I asked, “Do you have enough sea beans now?”

Her answer was simply, “No.”

The bean’s familiar name is “sea heart.” The seed of the liana vine, it ripens along the banks of rivers in Central and South America. Some of the seeds fall into the river, where they are carried to the sea. The beans are hard and buoyant, so they float on the surface. Ocean currents carry the beans for as long as two years, eventually depositing them on distant shores.

Before Kathleen was sedated for her cancer surgery, she had a sea-bean taped to her palm. It took a special dispensation from the surgeon but once she explained, it was impossible to say no. Later when Kathleen went for radiation treatments and then chemotherapy, she held her favorite sea bean in her hand. To her, the bean symbolized nature’s buoyancy, the power of endurance and hope. This little form of life had survived a long sea journey, and so would she.

The body’s immune system, which works to repair damage and fight disease, is intricately connected to the brain. Thoughts signal the release of neurotransmitters, which stimulate the discharge of various hormones and other chemicals. The hormones trigger emotions and other visceral experiences. All of these activities are monitored by the brain, which regulates chemical levels in the body. Scientists know that the immune system regularly requires a peaceful, relaxed mental state to regenerate. Thus, prolonged, unrelieved stress can weaken a person’s ability to fight disease and heal injury.

People who lose hope lose the desire to fight. Their thoughts, feelings, hormonal activity and immune response are not the same as those of people who believe that success is possible. Hope has a physical dimension. Hope can be a vital element in a person’s recovery.

You don’t have to close your eyes to the harsh realities of life to have hope. When bad things happen, the good in your life hasn't vanished. Even though you may be challenged, you haven’t lost all your strength. Tough problems may arise, but there are usually solutions. You can look for what's real, true and possible. You can take charge of your situation. You can get information and find out what’s possible. You can set realistic goals. You can do the work.

To Kathleen, the sea bean is a more than a symbol. It’s a tangible thing that speaks to the heart. Today, when she learns that one of her friends is overwhelmed by adversity, she’s likely to bring this individual several heart-shaped beans and ask her to choose one. She explains that if a little bean can survive a perilous oceanic journey to live another day, we survive our troubles, too. Hope is a real thing.

ost by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength . (2004 photo by Kathleen Scott, used with permission.)