Self-Esteem - Give Yourself Credit!

I once coached a young man I’ll call Jeff, who told me he had a problem with low self-esteem. So I asked him to tell me about something he had accomplished, something he was proud of.

At first he said he couldn’t think of anything. I pushed him for an example, and he finally said, “Well, I recently finished nursing school. Is that what you’re talking about?”

“Yes! Congratulations! That’s quite an accomplishment.”

“Hmm. I never thought of it that way. It was actually no big deal.”

“Are you kidding? It takes a lot of work to do that, to stick with it and meet all the requirements. You’ve got my respect.”

“I don’t see it that way. It’s just something I did.”

It was easy to see why he had problems with low self-esteem. Self-esteem has to be earned.

Well, he had accomplished something really worthwhile. But he hadn’t given himself credit for it! It was as if what he had done didn’t count.

Building up self-esteem is a lot like building up a savings account. To make your balance grow, you need to make regular deposits. When you do something worthwhile and—this is the important part—you give yourself credit, it’s like making a deposit in your account of self-esteem. And like a savings account, the opposite is true: when you do things you’re not proud of, it’s like taking money out. The more your account balance builds, the more interest you earn.

This interest is high self-esteem.

Jeff‘s achievement was worth a lot. But instead of thinking of it as a big deposit, like $10,000 in a savings account, he thought of it as trivial—worth only ten cents. He discounted his achievement, so he didn’t give himself credit. No wonder his self-esteem account was practically empty!

The key is to do things that you feel good about, and give yourself credit. Even small amounts, deposited regularly, add up over time.

Your friend was recovering from a loss, so you took her a covered dish. Give yourself credit!

You started using an app that makes it simple to do something that was complicated. Give yourself credit!

You checked the Internet and made a bunch of calls and found what you were looking for at a much lower price, saving a couple hundred dollars. Give yourself credit!

You figured out how to clear the clogged drain in your bathroom sink. Give yourself credit!

You studied for months and passed a certification exam. You wrote an article. You cleaned out the garage. You reached 10 gallons in total blood donations. You set up a surprise birthday party for a friend. You quit smoking. You created your own website.

What you did has value, so don’t discount it.

Give yourself credit!

The huge downsides to low self-esteem.

Doing the wrong thing can eat away at your self-esteem...

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2013. Building Personal Strength .

Strong, Healthy Self-Esteem - Not Over-Rated

In another post, I expressed the idea that even if you never get caught, you would always know you did the wrong thing and the presence of this fact in your memory would "tear down your self-esteem."

A cynical person might say, "So what? Self-esteem is over-rated."

But a low opinion of yourself can set you up for failure, because it can cause you to:

• Feel ashamed and unsure of yourself because of past misdeeds, shortcomings, issues, and failures
• Compare yourself to others who have more character strength and success, which making you feel inadequate
• Feel anger towards stronger, more gifted or accomplished people
• Interpret advice, suggestions and input as criticisms and put-downs
• Don’t appreciate your good qualities or give yourself credit for your accomplishments
• Habitually criticize yourself and put yourself down
• Feel unattractive, unlikable, unlovable and undesirable
• Feel unworthy of relationships with people who have high self-esteem
• Tend to repel strong, capable people, who are put off by manifestations of low self-esteem
• Be more comfortable associating with other people with low self-esteem, who are more likely to contribute to your failure than to your success
• Be vulnerable to peer pressure, because being excluded is painful
• Exaggerate or lie about accomplishments to compensate for inadequacies, shortcomings, issues, mistakes, and failures
• Have a pattern of self-deception and self-loathing
• Feel unworthy of success, and so you don’t seek or welcome new challenges and opportunities
• Are likely to abuse alcohol or drugs to medicate the pain of failure, self-loathing and exclusion

You can see how insidious low self-esteem can be. No, strong, healthy self-esteem is not over-rated.











Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2013. Building Personal Strength .

Why You Should Always Do the Right Thing, Even When No One But You Will Ever Know the Difference

Have you been around the block a few times?

Then you know how hard it is to get along in the world. Life has a way of challenging you on a regular basis. You end up having to make hard decisions and do hard things. I've known people who preferred to look for an easy way out; and if they saw one, they took it, seemingly oblivious to the consequences.

As I write this, I’m in my seventh decade of life. And here’s something I've learned: if you do something you know you shouldn't do, it’s very, very hard to avoid the consequences.

It’s amazing how this works. Cause and effect rule, and the consequences roll in. Other people eventually find out. You might lose respect, trust, friendship, support, or money. You might even go to jail.

On the other hand, sometimes misdeeds go undiscovered. But the odds are heavily stacked against you.

Here’s the deal: Even if no one ever finds out what you did, in an important sense you’ll never get away with it. Because you can never hide the truth from yourself. You’ll know what you did.

Why is this a big deal?

Take a telling a lie. Lies are hard to cover up. It takes more effort than you might think to cover your tracks and keep a lie from being discovered. But even if no one ever finds out, you know that instead of being strong and facing up to the truth, you were weak and hid behind the lie. Somewhere in your brain is this truth: I’m someone who lied. I wasn't strong enough to tell the truth. I’m a dishonest person.

You may not like these thoughts, and you may try to dismiss them. But you can't delete them. They'll always be stored somewhere in the database of your memory.

And they will tear down your self-esteem.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2013. Building Personal Strength .

Teenage Low Self-Esteem - It Comes with the Territory

It's unfortunate that so many teenagers feel miserable... 

• Maybe they can't afford the clothes the cool kids wear - I WON'T BE POPULAR.
• Maybe they lag behind in reading and basic learning skills - I'M NOT SMART.
• Maybe they were born into a poor family - I'M NOT WORTHY
• Maybe they're small in stature - I WON'T BE PICKED FOR THE TEAM
• Maybe they weren't taught good social skills - I WON'T FIT IN
• Maybe they're slow to develop physically - I'M NOT ATTRACTIVE
• Maybe they're susceptible to acne - I'M UGLY
• Maybe they've made mistakes - I'M INADEQUATE

When you were a teen, did you ever experience any of these negative thoughts? I know I did.

It's a tough time of life, even a perilous time. I wouldn't be a teenager again for anything in the world. All the above thoughts lead to low self-esteem. The consequences of considering yourself inferior are almost never good.

Teenagers know they're growing up; they don't want to be thought of as children anymore. They want to feel grown up because they know they're not. They may act like they know everything, but deep down they wish they could close the experience and knowledge gap between them and adults. This makes them feel lacking, unhappy and insecure, Which leads them to desperately want to be liked, which leads them to be vulnerable to peer pressure, which leads them down the wrong paths.

Some things an adult can do to help...

• Talk to them on an adult level. Don't call them names or judge them as if there was something wrong with them.
• Treat them with respect. Don't abuse them or infringe on their basic rights as human beings.
• When they deserve it, tell them what you liked about what they did.
• Affirm their good qualities, based on actions you've observed.
• Affirm their potential.
• Pass on wisdom and life skills.
• Ask them questions that help them think through their own problems.
• Rather than criticizing them or making them feel bad for their mistakes, help them learn from them.

When you were a teenager, was there an adult in your life who made you feel valued and helped you grow stronger as a person?

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2012. Building Personal Strength .

Self-Confidence - A Personal Achievement Remembered

I think of myself as a self-confident person, probably because every now and then I try something audacious, work hard, and actually make it happen. I sometimes wonder where this strength comes from - what helped form it.

Meredith Bell once posted a video on her blog, Your Voice of Encouragement, in which she suggests that writing down your Top 50 personal achievements in a "Victory Log" can help boost your self-esteem. Not that I feel I need more work in this area. But I've been interested in the exercise, because my previous attempts to list my personal achievements had never exceeded 20 items. So, curious about what the other 30 might be, I've been letting my brain wander in search of so-called "lesser" achievements.

This morning, a memory popped into my head.

When I was nine years old my family made a road trip to McGill, Nevada to visit my grandparents on my mother's side. My grandfather was a powerful authority figure. Head of a family of 16 children, he was a leader in that Mormon community. One day he and I were walking down the main street of town, and I asked him, "Grandpa, who made this town?"

"God made this town."

It wasn't the answer I was looking for. "What do you mean?"

"God created all that is. Everything in the universe."

"Everything?"

"Everything."

I pointed to the sky. "Did he create that cloud?"

"Everything, son. He created everything."

"The sun and the moon?"

"Yes."

"That saloon?"

"Yes."

My little nine-year-old brain questioned that. That didn't seem right. Why would God create a saloon? He may have created the sun and the moon, but surely, I thought, people created some of the things in the world. "Did he create our car?"

"Yes, God created the car. All the cars in the world. He created everything."

I decided not to pursue the matter with more questions. I sensed that my grandfather meant well and wanted to reinforce my faith, but I knew he would just continue to insist that God made everything that ever was, is, or every would be, and that was that.

But in my heart, I didn't believe that was the way things were. And from that moment on, I saw my grandfather as a fallible person. I concluded that I had to trust my own judgment on my emerging journey towards figuring things out.

That incident may seem trivial to you, but it was, in retrospect, momentous to me. And I haven't thought about it until today, nearly 60 years later. And I have to say, it's definitely on my Top 50 list of personal achievements.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2012. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use photo purchased from fotolia.com)

Cinnamon, Peer Pressure and Low Self-Esteem - Nasty Brew for Teens

"The Cinnamon Challenge." Young teens dare each other to swallow a tablespoon of cinnamon in less than a minute without water. Many teens see it as a popular way to have a lot of fun. Part of the excitement is to make a video of yourself doing it and post it on YouTube. I checked and found this video, viewed over 6 million times. Pay close attention and you'll see the camera recorded two really cute animals. One of them clearly has more common sense than the other....



It's not only hard to do, but apparently dangerous. One teen, Dejah Reed, of Ypsilanti, Michigan, reported that she almost died from the experience. The powder got into her lungs and her right lung collapsed. She couldn't breathe and her father rushed her to the hospital, where she stayed for four days. It caused a lung infection and she had trouble breathing normally after she left the hospital.

My wife: "Why would anyone do anything so stupid?"

I had a ready answer: "Honey, these are teenagers. It's not so easy for them to analyze the consequences before they act because their prefrontal cortex is under construction. So they do silly things for no good reason. Plus, many of them are being dared to do it. They're vulnerable to peer pressure."

I once knew an adolescent who wanted to demonstrate how cool and smart he was. So he yanked his pants down, pulled out a cigarette lighter and ignited the jet stream as he passed gas. No, we didn't have to take him to the hospital. The trick worked. But even though some of his friends were awed by this act of daring, I remained unconvinced that he was either cool or smart.

And so it goes.

Why are teenagers so desperate to be considered cool by other kids? Why are they so vulnerable to peer pressure that they tattoo and pierce their bodies, have sex with people they don't like, and spend hours every day texting each other?

When I was in high school I remember a couple of really smart, confident guys. Even though I made straight A's, I knew these guys were a lot smarter than I was. One of them achieved a maximum score of 1600 on the SAT. He was a good-looking, low-key, confident and considerate fellow. But he was definitely not a member of the cool crowd, and I knew he absolutely didn't care. I admired that.

He would have felt sorry for anyone who wanted to make a video record of himself trying to eat a spoonful of cinnamon.

Why are some kids so self-assured, and others so desperate for the approval of others?

The answer is that some kids don't have strong self-esteem. This is one of the perils of being young. They haven't had much time or opportunity to do things that prove they are capable and worthy individuals. Also, the young lack knowledge and experience, so they make a lot of mistakes. So they may crave respect and friendship, but deep down they doubt that they are worthy of it.

So in hopes of being accepted by kids they think are cool, they desperately conform to whatever is expected of them.

If you want to prepare a child for the gauntlet of adolescence, help build his or her self-esteem. I'm not talking about praising every little thing the child does. This misguided tactic doesn't work because the child isn't stupid. He quickly figures out that the praise has no credibility or value because it's awarded regardless of whether the child put forth a strong effort.

Self-esteem can only be earned. First, the child accomplishes something at his or her own level. Next, the child acknowledges the value of the achievement. Adults can help by noticing and by confirming the achievement with feedback.

Imagine a scenario in which an adult family member describes a situation to a child, maybe something that's been in the news. He then asks the child what he thinks about it. The adult listens and encourages the child to continue, asking open-ended questions. He shares his own thoughts without trying to contradict what the child has said. He asks the child what he thinks of that. He then concludes by saying something like, "You know, I really like talking to you. You have some very interesting ideas."

I know this kind of conversation between adult and child is relatively rare in our culture. But if adults consciously tried to affirm kids' capabilities and worth, maybe by the time puberty arrived they would feel a strong sense of self, a liking for who they are.

And when their teenage peers encouraged them to do stupid things, they would feel comfortable not going along with it.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2012. Building Personal Strength .

An Outsider Remembers a Road Less Traveled

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

- Robert Frost

In my life I've often opted for the less traveled road. Sometimes it got me in trouble. Other times it led to insight or innovation. When did this become a pattern for me? I'm not sure. But I have this memory...

Remote Alaskan mountains

It was 1966 and I had just completed my third year at West Point - more a journey of compliance than a "road less traveled by," for sure. Unless you count the times I walked punishment tours on weekends for violating one of the thousands of rules and regulations of that institution. I was a pretty good student, but I had "done time."

That summer I was visiting Alaska for a month while serving as an interim infantry platoon leader. One weekend I drove a car into the mountains. On an impulse, I turned off on an unpaved road, which after several miles ran out at the foot of a treeless mountainside. So I parked the car and went for a walk. But not on a path. And I didn't head for the peak, which is what most people do. Instead, I walked around the circumference. After about an hour, I found myself in a remote region. I looked around and saw nothing but snow-covered mountains and wilderness. It seemed to me extremely unlikely that anyone else would have come this way. In fact, it dawned on me that in this remote part of the planet I was probably the first person ever to stand on this particular piece of ground. The first human ever in 4.5 billion years. It was an exciting feeling.

I often have that feeling as I write a blog post. I have that feeling right now. I have that feeling a lot - the sense that I'm not "with it," that I'm an outsider, looking at my world as if I'm a stranger in a strange land.

Did my hike into the remote Alaskan wilderness inspire me to pursue more less traveled roads? It could have. It makes an interesting story anyway.

But maybe not. After all, something inside me on that day was already urging me to go where others hadn't gone before...

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use photo purchased from fotolia.com)

A Sexy Way of Walking - What Does It Mean?

Today I was thinking about an incident that occurred some time ago. I was in a crowd of people. I can't remember the venue. Maybe it was an outdoor wine tasting or an arts and crafts show. Sometimes my wife's curiosity is attracted to things I'm not interested in and she sometimes lingers longer. So occasionally we drift apart at these events.

Anyway, I overheard a woman behind me make this comment: "Look at her, the way she swings her hips, putting on a show for the men!"

I looked up to see what the fuss was about. To my surprise, I saw my wife walking away from me. I took an admiring look at her legs and yes, there was a unique animation to the way she walked.

I turned to face the woman who made the remark. When she made eye contact with me I said, "She's not trying to be sexy. She has scoliosis, a curvature of the spine. It causes her to walk that way."

The woman drew in a quick breath. She frowned at me and said, "How do you know?"

"She's my wife," I said with a friendly smile.

I think I remember the incident because it's an example of how some people automatically interpret the world around them in the most negative way.

I sometimes put a dark gloss on things myself. But why be mean-spirited? Why put people down? Does it somehow make them feel better about themselves? I don't think so. In the end, at some level they know deep inside that they're the kind of people who think mean thoughts and say mean things.

Why not a little compassion? A little tolerance? A little open-mindedness?

I guess that's why these behavior patterns are considered personal strengths. It's easier to release a little anger with a nasty remark than it is to withhold judgment and give others the benefit of the doubt.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use image purchased from fotolia.com)

Rodney Dangerfield Style Humor in Whole Foods Grocery

My wife, Kathleen, overheard this comment while shopping in the Whole Foods grocery store: "If I didn't know me, I'd hang out with me." Sounds like a classic crack from Rodney Dangerfield.

Which is a humorous, glass-half-empty way of saying, "I'm not perfect. I've got my warts, my quirks and my weaknesses."

But don't we all? A glass-half-full self-perception might also have added: "...but I have my unique strengths and some endearing qualities, too."

1. Nobody's perfect. And nobody's 100% imperfect, either. Humility and strong self-esteem can meet in the middle. And...

2. You can get smarter and stronger. The wisdom is out there. You can persist to make changes in your behavior - new skills, new habits, new behavior patterns. With enough repetition, you can grow new connections and rewire your brain.

Learning is a life-long journey. You can become an even better version of the terrific person you already are.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use photo purchased from fotolia.net)

Words Matter - Speak with a Kind Heart

An article in the paper caused me to remember Leo Ragsdale (not his real name), one of my buddies on the high school golf team a long time ago. The article was "Words Shape Your World," by Mike Fitsko. The author explains the anxiety he felt when told he had to update his photo for the newspaper column. He relates an incident that happened to him while being photographed for his high school senior portrait. After much fussing with the lights and camera, the photographer said, "I'm afraid you have a problem, Mr. Fitsko. You don't have a natural smile."

For the rest of his life, he recalled this criticism - with some pain - every time someone wanted to take his picture.

When I was in high school, Leo and I would play golf together a couple times a week. I no longer play golf. It's a difficult game, and years ago my military career made it impossible to maintain my skills. When golf stopped being fun for me, I gave it up. But as a teenager, it was a huge passion.

One of my most vivid memories of Leo involved his older brother. Leo and I were walking back from the golf course one day when a loud, mocking voice shouted from across the street, "Hey Loser! Where do you think you're going?" At first, I thought the put-down was aimed at me, and I felt a sting in my gut. Then Leo explained that "Loser" was a nickname given to him by his older brother.

I don't think Leo ever considered it a term of endearment. As often happens with high school friends, I lost touch with him. But a few years ago, I heard from another friend that Leo had suffered a series of setbacks. He had become an alcoholic, which led to his being fired. Soon afterward, his wife divorced him. A few years later, he died of a drug overdose.

I'm sure Leo craved the love and approval of his older brother, but the contempt he received instead must have caused unbearable, lasting pain.

In the early 1970s I made friends with novelist John Cheever while researching my dissertation about him. During one of my visits to his home in Ossining, New York, he told me about his relationship with his mother, who is depicted in the award-winning novel, The Wapshot Chronicle. "One day when I was a small boy, my mother felt it necessary to tell me that I was 'an accident.' The message that settled in my heart was that I was unwanted."

The more I got to know Cheever, the more I realized that the feeling that he was unloved and perhaps unworthy of love shaped his fiction. Many of the main characters in his stories are men who suffer from loveless relationships. Even though his fame slowly grew, Cheever's personal life was like a downward spiral. His unfulfilled need for love kept him from maintaining healthy relationships. It also drove him to abuse alcohol all his life. All of this made it harder for people to love him.

I think Mike Fitsko is right. Words do matter. Thoughtless remarks can have a profound emotional impact, especially on young people who haven't yet formed a strong sense of identity and self-worth. Criticism, even if spoken without malice, can wound a person's self-esteem. The feeling that "I'm not worthy" can lead someone to pass on opportunities and healthy relationships, which in turn can cause problems that lead to aggravated low self-esteem. It's the most damaging kind of self-reinforcing cycle I can think of.

Who do you care about? Eventually they'll do something to make you angry. Do you love them enough to watch what you say?

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2011. Building Personal Strength .

I Earn Huge Self-Esteem Points When My Toyota Dies

On Tuesday my beloved 2000 Toyota Camry died. One of the pistons threw a rod and it penetrated the oil pan. The good news is, this happened on the way to getting an oil change. So I was standing next to a mechanic when I learned about the problem. I towed the car to the dealership, where they told me it would cost $5,000 to replace the engine. The car is 10 years old and not worth the repair. End of a long, affectionate relationship.

This event falls into the category of what I call THE SURPRISE OF THE WEEK. Sometimes the surprise is huge good news. But most of the time it's the other kind of news. The bottom line: no time time for getting wrapped around the axle over it, only time for fixing the problem.

And my problem was, I needed a car. So it was time for research. By the end of the day, I located just the right car on the Internet, and I called the Universal Toyota dealership just east of San Antonio.

The next day, we went down to test-drive the car and haggle over price. The cool thing was, there was no haggling. Mike quickly gave us a great price with lots of perks, and now we're happy owners of the car. We picked it up the next day.

It sounds like a no-brainer, doesn't it? Not exactly. There was getting the rental car for the interim, disposing of my old, dead Toyota, which included getting all the "stuff" out of the old car, arranging for payment for the new car, transferring insurance to the new car, and the buying process, which involved lots of paperwork. And oh yeah, I almost forgot. The stress. And the work I didn't get done during that time.

But I just handled it. I just plowed through all that and got it all done in less than 48 hours. And I turned it into a positive. I didn't get stranded or injured on the highway. I won't have to pay for the expensive repairs the old car would have required during the futures years I wanted to keep driving it. And the replacement car is a much better car. I'll enjoy it.

Here's the deal: I feel good about myself for handling it the way I did. That means the experience will feed my positive self-esteem. This is really important to me, because - and I can't emphasize this enough - I need strong self-esteem to do what I want to do with my life.

There are two powerful learnings which I want to share with you, based on my experience:

1. You gotta give yourself credit. Strengthening your self-esteem is like making deposits in a savings account. If you don't give yourself full credit, the success won't be added to the balance of your accomplishments, and you won't accrue interest over time. And the interest is...SELF-ESTEEM.

2. The "small" successes count. Even everyday accomplishments like my car adventure count. Most people don't consciously give themselves credit for the way they deal with life situations like this. They just wipe their brows, say a few choice unprintable words, and go home and have a beer. But if you don't give yourself credit, it won't feed your positive self-esteem.

So if you discount the good things you do every day, it's like throwing the money away instead of depositing it in the savings account. It's like saying, "It's only twenty bucks, screw it." PUT THE MONEY IN THE BANK.

I once coached a man who told me he had low self-esteem. But when he told me about his life, I learned he had recently done two extraordinary things. First, he had conquered his alcohol addiction. How about that! Second, he subsequently went to nursing school and graduated! Cool!

But guess what. He thought both these achievements were no big deal. He didn't count them as things he was proud of. He failed to deposit them into his self-esteem account and wasn't drawing interest. Both his accomplishments were hugely significant and valuable, but he didn't feel that way about it. He had discounted them. He felt they weren't worth much. No wonder he had low self-esteem.

I encourage you to give full value to every good thing you do. Give yourself credit. Start drawing interest. You deserve it!

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Self--Esteem: Be Like the Scarf

Sometimes I filter my perceptions of people by noticing whether they're being genuine, relaxed and comfortable with who they are. It's easy to tell when they're not, when they're trying to make an impression. Sadly, they feel their beauty isn't beautiful enough, their strength isn't strong enough. If only they could be like the scarf...

Fall into the light, unafraid of the random unfolding, and it will sing through your colors.

More on self-esteem... 

A tragic story... 

Another tragic story...

World's foremost authority on self-esteem...

Burt Harding's surprising opinion...

Dr. David Viscott handles a caller...

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength . (Image from free download at wallpaper-s.org)

Zachary Lipson - Self-esteem, Effort, Passion and Perseverance

Zachary Lipson. You've probably never heard of him. He's 19 years old, a little guy - about four feet tall - with a BIG heart.

And now he's student-manager of the men's basketball team at the University of Kentucky.

His journey to that destination is an inspiring story. Born prematurely, he weighed less than two pounds. He had numerous medical problems, requiring 25 surgeries while growing up in Nashville, Tennessee. His schoolmates teased him relentlessly, but he fiercely maintained his self-esteem. At Christ Presbyterian Academy he volunteered to serve as manager of the football team, so impressing the coaches with his energy and passion that he was asked to manage football, basketball and soccer all four years. 

But he had a more ambitious goal. He wanted to sit on the same bench with John Calipari and the Kentucky Wildcats. When his coaches heard of his dream, they put in enthusiastic calls to Kentucky. He got his big chance - a job managing at a Kentucky summer basketball camp. They were impressed, but Zachary had another hurdle. His ACT scores were too low. So he added 40 hours of tutoring to his busy schedule. 

But it all paid off, and this fall Zachary will be a freshman at U.K., student-manager for the basketball team. 

Actions have power, because their consequences cascade into the future. Zachary's story is one of strong self-esteem, effort, passion, and perseverance. Now he's being asked to tell that story in front of audiences. 

See Bryan Mullen's June 5th article in The Tennessean. See Zachary's Facebook page.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength . (Photo from Zachary's Facebook page)

Self-Esteem, Part II - Psychologist Nathaniel Branden's Expert Opinion

In a previous post I told the tragic story of Jason, a guy who entered into a downward spiral of low self-esteem that eventually cost him his life. But what is self-esteem, exactly?

According to psychotherapist and author Nathaniel Branden, the world’s foremost authority on this subject, self-esteem is “the experience that we are appropriate to life and the requirements of life.” In other words, it’s your belief that you’re capable and worthy of achieving fulfillment and happiness. Branden says self-esteem is “the single most important psychological subject in the world.”

It’s important because if you don’t believe in yourself, terrible consequences can follow. Feeling inadequate can make you vulnerable to conformity and social pressure. It can make you so sensitive to feedback or criticism that relationships and intimacy become difficult. Feelings of guilt and shame can lead to depression, neuroses, mental illness and suicide. In other words, because you don’t feel you deserve success and happiness, you may do things to sabotage it.

Branden has written many books on the subject: The Psychology of Self-Esteem (1969), Breaking Free (1970), The Disowned Self (1972), Honoring the Self (1983), How to Raise Your Self-Esteem (1986), and his final word on the subject, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem (1994). I highly recommend this last book to anyone who wants to learn more about it.

Branden makes an important point: self-esteem isn’t a gift; it’s not something that other people give to you. You create your own self-esteem. You earn it. Only you can decide how to react and how to think about yourself when life is unkind.

When I see my wife’s two-year old niece, who has such a beaming spirit, I see the perfect preparation for high-self-esteem. But will her positive self-regard survive the next 15 years?

The perils of a life journey begin in youth. So much can go wrong. There are no “professional” parents. They’re all amateurs, or worse. I wanted to be a good father, but I made lots of mistakes. My sons grew up with strong self-esteem anyway, and I credit them for that achievement.

On the other hand, we all know that some parents neglect or abuse their kids—for all kinds of reasons. The danger is that children in such families will conclude that they—not their parents—are to blame for the harsh treatment they receive. And when they become adults they may mistreat their own children.

Also, children already know they’re inferior in many ways. They’re smaller, weaker and lacking in knowledge of important things. They’re vulnerable to social pressures, but often receive criticism or rejection from groups they’d like to join. Children fail more often than they succeed. They make mistakes all the time. When blame and criticism follow, it’s easy for them to think they’re inadequate, unworthy, or incapable of dealing with life. Self-acceptance, self-trust, and self-love become difficult.

All of us had to endure childhood with its joys and difficulties, and now it’s up to us to continue growing stronger. If Branden is right, much depends on whether we make the effort.

Most of us have some work to do on our self-esteem, and there are many rewards for doing so. But sometimes it can seem like pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. This exercise is a good place to start:

1. In a text file, enter a list of everything you’ve achieved in your life, whether small or grand. Important: devalue nothing, dismiss nothing, leave nothing out. Include the fact that you taught yourself to play chess. This project could take some time. That’s fine. It’ll be worth the effort.

2. When you finally feel you haven’t left anything out, arrange the list in chronological order.

3. Then read achievement No. 1. Affirm to yourself why this was a worthy thing to have done. Feel good about it.

4. Then do the same thing for the next item. And the next, and all the way through the entire list.

5. Then say this to yourself: I’ve done many worthwhile things in my life. I feel good about myself. I’m capable of doing more, and I deserve the happiness that comes into my life.

6. Save the list and remember your thoughts as you relate to others and go about your daily business.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Self-Esteem, Part I - It's More Important Than You Think

Whenever I think about positive self-esteem and its importance to personal achievement, mental health and happiness, I think of how perilous a life journey can be. And I always think of Jason.

Jason was the second child in a large Catholic family. His parents were good people. His dad was a petty officer in the Navy, which meant he had to deploy on a regular basis and was absent from the family for months at a time. Jason’s mom loved nurturing small children, which is probably why she had so many of them. By necessity, she had to give most of her attention to the smaller ones. Still, it was the kind of family environment in which a child could grow up to live a productive life. And most of them did.

But not Jason. I knew him in high school. He and I were on the golf team together, and walking around the course we had ample time to get to know each other. I was intrigued by him because he was a better golfer than I was, but he cheated constantly. He surreptitiously replaced lost balls, improved the lie of his ball on the fairway, and entered inaccurate scores on his card.

He lied about a lot of other things, too, but I was able to piece together much of his life history. His older brother, Mark, who went to the same high school, was a straight-A student. He was the student body president and the valedictorian at graduation. He went to UCLA on a National Merit scholarship. I always thought Mark was a great guy, but Jason expressed a kind of petty bitterness towards him. My assessment was that Jason had grown up in the shadow of his high-achieving older brother and so never felt adequate. Mark was smarter, more athletic, better-looking, and more popular—seemingly superior in every way.

In my opinion, Jason brought a lot of his problems on himself. While Mark was an Eagle Scout, Jason started a forest fire playing with matches. He was caught shoplifting. He wrecked the family car. And the day before graduation, he slammed a hammer into one wall locker after another as he walked down the hall for the last time. It seemed to me that he was angry because he received a lot of criticism and censure, not the approval he craved. And of course his actions damaged his low self-esteem even more, creating a vicious cycle.

The year I entered West Point, Jason enlisted in the Navy. When I was a cadet, the plebes (freshmen) weren’t allowed to go home for Christmas—a silly tradition that’s since been corrected. But I remember how cheered I was to have a phone call from Jason during the holidays. When I asked him what he was doing, he said he was on leave from duty in Vietnam. He said he had  been in combat and had been awarded a Bronze Star. I subsequently found out that he was stationed in Korea - not Vietnam - and he had received no such decoration. I also found out that he received a Dishonorable Discharge from the Navy because of alcoholism problems.

Years later I happened to see him during a visit to my home town. He seemed hyperactive and overly talkative, bragging about things I no longer remember. It occurred to me that Jason would lie about anything, even the weather. Ordinary life just wasn’t good enough; he had to embellish everything. Then he asked me if I’d sponsor him on the PGA Tour. I kept my thoughts to myself, but when I told him that I wasn’t financially able to help him out, he accused me of being a disloyal friend.

I never saw him again after that. I heard through my mother that he had seduced the wife of his younger brother and was now an outcast in his own family. The last I heard he was gunned down in front of a convenience store in Miami, presumably a drive-by revenge shooting. The case was never solved, and there was no funeral.

It’s a tragic story, and at bottom it’s about the importance of strong self-esteem. The mistakes we make can cause us to think poorly of ourselves, which makes it hard to give ourselves credit for the good and worthy things we do. But a life can hang in the balance.

Here's another Fortune Cookie for you...

Make peace with yourself, and you'll be able to fight the other battles.

More Fortune Cookies...

The story behind the Fortune Cookies...

Tomorrow, what the world's foremost authority on self-esteem has to say.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

The Personal Strength of Self-Esteem - The Year of the Damages

In 1998 Kathleen and I moved to Vero Beach, Florida. Vero Beach is located on the Atlantic coast midway between Miami and Jacksonville, quite a ways from the out-of-control urban-suburban grid. In the summer it was so quiet you could have a picnic lunch on the street in front of our house. A city ordinance prohibits any structures taller than six stories. The flora and fauna from both the subtropical and temperate zones thrive there. We lived on a barrier island next to a park that sprawled adjacent to the Intra-coastal Waterway. The Atlantic Ocean was four blocks to the east. A great egret shopped for lizards in our bushes every day. Over sixty other species of birds visited our yard regularly. During the eight years we lived there, the temperature never rose above 94 F nor did it fall below 32 F. Not once at any time of day. In other words, we had no winter. It was, as I regularly proclaimed, paradise.

Until the hurricanes of 2004 came. Frances, a slow-moving Category 2 storm hit us dead on. It pushed ocean water up to within one inch of our front door and knocked down a 100-year old oak tree, changing the landscape of our front yard. We were without power for almost two weeks. Four days after we got power back, we were hit again by Jeanne, a fast-moving Category 3 that pushed the water up to our front door again. After that one we needed a new roof. Once again, we were without power for almost two weeks. The hotels on the beach were destroyed, as were several homes of our friends. 

One of the clean-up tasks we faced was to get rid of the three-foot diameter oak stump in our front yard. How do you do that? You have to grind it down to sawdust. That is, the two rough-looking guys we hired had to do it. They brought in this massive grinding machine and went to work.

Fascinated by this strange equipment, I watched them as they worked the project. But what stays in my memory was how the boss treated his assistant, who happened to be his younger brother. 

"What the hell is wrong with you, Bubba? Do I have to tell you three times what you should already know by heart? I need every one of them adapters laid out so I can use 'em when I need 'em. Where are they? Christ, never mind, I'll go get 'em myself."

It was like that the whole two hours they were there. The big brother never let up. He verbally abused his little brother every time he opened his mouth. Bubba was about 35 years old, and you could see 35 years of hurt on his face. You could tell he craved his brother's approval, but he had no idea how to get it. I imagined the permanent damage to his self-esteem.

I'm sure that at this point Bubba was so psychologically weakened that he couldn't imagine succeeding at anything except being the hapless but always present assistant to his brother. It was an extreme example of the damage people can do to each other in a close relationship. A mother to a daughter. A husband to a wife. A boss to an employee. It's an old story.

Years later the victim might struggle to recover. Most can't do it. Which is a tragedy, because strong self-esteem is essential if a person wants to tackle the challenges of a career or an intimate relationship.

I'm just going to say this. A lot of this kind of verbal abuse goes on in a very low-key way. People don't realize the harm they're doing, but all of it is damaging. Think real hard about how you treat the people close to you. If you love them, then express that love in looks and touches and words and acts of tenderness. Knock off the oneupmanship, put-downs and criticism. In a moment of frustration you might imply something mildly sarcastic and do more damage than you'll ever know. No one is immune. Not even big burly guys like Bubba.
  
Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength . (Permission to use photo purchased from istockphoto.com)

The Personal Strength of Self-Esteem: Being Vulnerable

How sensitive are you to what people think about you?

Burt Harding says invulnerability comes from allowing yourself to be vulnerable. New Age woo-woo double-talk? Listen with an open mind and decide for yourself...



For me, the video inspires these thoughts... What other people think about you is their issue to deal with... Put yourself out there... Be who you really are... Take action... Do what it is your passion to do... Walk the earth...

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Low Self-Esteem Can Destroy a Relationship

Back in the early 1980s, I was in charge of personnel management at the Armed Forces Staff College in Norfolk, Virginia. I had a one-hour commute to work from my home in Seaford, and I often listened to talk radio to pass the time. My favorite host was a psychologist named Dr. David Viscott. 

This video clip of Dr. Viscott from YouTube is a fascinating look at how a skilled counselor talks with a troubled listener. Watch him as he coaches "Brad," who explains why he behaves in a controlling way in his relationship with a talented woman. 



Brad's situation illustrates how low self-esteem can damage a relationship. Dr. Viscott's advice is on target, and to Brad's credit, he seems to muster the grit to give it a try.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

Honoring Your Emotions - Nathaniel Branden and the Psychology of High Self-Esteem

Have you ever read any of Nathaniel Branden's books? He's one of my top five favorite nonfiction authors, but for some reason he never achieved what we think of as "guru" status. Nevertheless, in my opinion no one has ever written with more wisdom about self-esteem. 

Self-esteem is a supremely important but controversial topic. Some writers on self-esteem are criticized for going too far - for discouraging negative feedback as potentially damaging to self-esteem. I believe that while you should appreciate you who you are, recognize your strengths and acknowledge your accomplishments, authentic self-esteem is always earned. Saying "that's wonderful" to recognize a trivial act has the opposite effect. It creates cognitive dissonance and causes a person to distrust praise.

But Nathaniel Branden nails it in his book The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. If you read "self-help" books, do yourself a favor and put this one at the top of your list.  

You have a right to your feelings. Feelings are always there to tell you something. But they're not infallible guides to your behavior. 


Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., , Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .

A Rule for Relationships: Forgive the Small Things

As we prepared to go the gym for our morning workout, my wife discovered that she had misplaced her car keys. We searched for ten minutes and finally found them in the car, still in the ignition. Unfortunately, the battery was dead because she was listening to the radio when she left the car the day before.

We called Triple-A, and the tow-truck came to start the car. Problem solved. We went to the gym later that morning. 

But somewhere in the process, maybe when I realized she had left the car with the radio on, there was a perilous moment. My disappointment could have escalated to frustration or even anger. I could have thought, "How could you leave the car keys in the car - with the radio on?" 

Or maybe I could have actually said the words. Or worse. How about: "Why don't you pay attention to what you're doing?" Or "What's the matter with you?"

Do married couples actually say such things to each other? Do friends? Coworkers?

Of course they do. It wouldn't surprise me if some version of this scenario happened a million times a day across the planet.

But it's a costly mistake, for two reasons.

For one thing, it's hurtful. If you react in anger, it's verbally punishing. My wife was probably already feeling bad about it, but to have her husband pile on and put her down would attack her self-esteem. And that's the last thing I want. She's got challenging things to do in her life, and she needs to be strong and confident. 

Besides, I love her.

The other reason it's a mistake is that I'm not in a position to criticize. I've done the same thing myself - more than once. Who hasn't? People aren't perfect. And getting distracted and leaving your keys in the car is a good example of what imperfect people do. In fact, at this point in my life, I realize that almost everything that people can do to annoy me are things that I've done myself at one time or another. 

And besides, it's a small thing. Trivial. Petty. The correct thing for me to do is forgive her instantly. And reassure her that it's no big deal.

Do you want your relationships to endure? Do you want your marriage to grow stronger over time? It's all too easy to give in to anger and lash out. It does take a certain amount of strength to keep your composure and deal with your frustration without hurting the person you care about. But if you care about your relationship, you'll make the effort.

Forgive the small things.

Post by Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., , Copyright 2010. Building Personal Strength .